hold on! - 9

[u-turn]

Oh and JB
getting my sexy back - I have no idea.
This part scares me a little too - when starting over.
I have not dated a different person since high school - I have not concerned myself with really even looking at other women - I think it will be a very long time before I am comfortable with even thinking about this.

PMA has been pretty good when I am not dealing with this crap.
and
volunteered at school - putting my craftsmanship to work
and
had a student win a state architecture competition this weekend (this helps me validate myself as an architect and teacher (to myself))

[Vanilla]

U

I would keep the letter under wraps and then reread from time to time. rewrite, rewrite and then reconsider. See how your views change as you move through the process.

If you ever consider rewriting it or sending, post first as you will get some sharp and insightful responses.

Wonka is the master at this stuff, rewriting so that the DB message shows through.

v

[Bob723]

Wonka is the master at this stuff, rewriting so that the DB message shows through.

v

Hello U,

I second what Vanilla wrote...the entire post...especially what I quoted above.

I wish you well, as always!

Bob

[u-turn]

Thanks everyone
Yes - I have been writing that one for about a month now. probably has many things that are unnecessary.

I have a fine collection of unsent letters - perhaps I will look back at them all one day and laugh.

[JellyB]

U-turn, big weekend! it sounds like you are ready to do what is right for you and your children. Feeling like you are acting with ingegrity and staying true to yourself will be important for next steps. I wonder if you step back and let w take whatever steps she needs to and you just work on formulating your own plan and boundaries. And see what comes.

I'm sure there are others here who will offer you the right advice and guidance! Me I'm just here to Maori (indigenous people of nz) " Awhi"you (have you back in a friendly way/support you through, prounced A-fee) and give you lots of here is another one Aroha (love)! (Pronounced A-ro-ha).

Btw I wasn't talking about getting your sexy back for another woman... Just thinking about for me when I'm feeling good about myself and feeling like I'm making decisions and in control of myself in my own life, I start to carry myself differently, I get my sexy back, I guess it's the personification of detachment. I'd like to imgaine you with your wife, showing her your sexy, you being completely in your own skin and loving yourself, completely confident in the place you stand. These are challenging times but your sexy is in there somewhere!

Congrats on your student.... That is a credit to your teaching and coaching. I hope you are super proud of yourself. Standing ovation and my applause hope you can hear them up there!

[CaliGuy]

U-turn ... as typical I follow your sitch but do not always post.

Things I see is your W wants it her way, I can relate .. mine was the same... still tries here and there. Call it cake-eating, control, whatever you will .... Seems the WAS has this stuff all plotted out and when the LBS does not play the role we were 'cast' to play. I would continue to hold your ground, refuse to live an open marriage.

As far as the letter, I get it comes from that area inside you where there is alot of hurt and pain... I relate so well to that. And like you wrote ... its one thing to forgive and a complete other to forget. However it does read a bit judgmental ... alot of "You did this, you did thats" ... now if its just to vent and purge I get it, but I would never send something like that. You did own your part which I think is big but I would try to get away from that pointing finger routine, its not healthy.

Truth is there are many reasons when a M runs into trouble, we all play our part, all we can do is own our share. I think you are wise not to allow the elephant more room to grow, set your boundaries and state what your needs are, what you can and can not accept, then express to your W she has a choice that she is free to make. Its not controlling, its her choice at this point, and even if it were a new relationship that other person would have the same choice, that is how I am currently approaching things, the old M is dead, the old me died aswell ... I learned my needs and wants are important, and I would not want to spend my time with anyone who was not considerate of that.

[u-turn]

Thanks Jelly & Cali for the support.

It has been a while since I have been here - it has been a busy time. (this is likely going to be a rambly mess - had some birthday drinks, but wanted to start journaling here again (IC says this is good for me too)).

Things have been getting worse by the day around here. I have little hope - and don't feel that I even want to be married to her any more. Aside from that - I actually feel pretty good about myself.

some highlights:

While I was in the bank the other day, setting up another checking account to move money from the business, W happens to walk in and starts making a scene right in the CSR's office. She was very angry and wanted me to take my name off the other accounts right there and then. I told her that we would have to discuss this. I stopped her from continuing the embarrassing scene and told her to leave. She emptied one of the checking accounts on the way out.

I feel really good about separating our business finances. This will help me stand on my feet and take care of the kids better.

Then the next morning, major spew. She said that this was the worst underhanded move (worse than anything she has done) (my read on that statement was - I may be f'ing someone else, but at least I am not hiding money - yeash). I am a terrible person and I should have just killed myself when I was contemplating it (while poking my chest).

Well - that was a hard thing to hear. This really does make me believe that this will not work with us. I know they were just words, but really?

I told her to stop, that that was the worst thing that anyone has ever said to me. I also explained to her that the money is not gone, I am just controlling it now. I walked away. (D15 may have heard all of this - parent of the year awards should be on their way for both of us).

the next day she did apologize for "going there". I just looked at her without responding. I don't even know how to respond to her. She was crying.

I am going to tell her that I want her to leave - I will not keep doing this.

Short and simple, I am not going to finger point, but am trying to find the right words.

It is very clear to me that we are not going to be able to continue together. Dealing with your animosity toward me and continued lies and secrets is not how I want my life to be. It is not what I want for myself and it is not what I want to teach the kids a marriage and relationship is.

You said that you want me to have peace. I cannot get this with this current arrangement.

I think it will be best if you find another place to live - you don't have to lie and hide any more. This does not protect my feelings - my feelings do not need protecting.

I would like you to find another place as soon as possible.

I think she will try to dig her heals in and stay here - which makes me wonder again if I should leave. I know it is not advised - but if she won't go, what can I do?

[Vanilla]

U turn very wordy!

How about:

I want you to move out as soon as possible.


KISS.

V

[u-turn]

I like that (KISS actually works better for me, I almost never get the rehearsed speech right anyway - I tend to want to write letters/e-mails when I have a lot to say)

I need a plan for if/when she says no though.

[u-turn]

Link to new thread #10
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2568528&#Post2568528