So again I have waves of feelings of regret and remorse that it has come to this. I have read and reread the posts by Starsky and other vets that "tough love" is the best chance I have.
So far, I am getting deeper into the adverserial process and interact on a very limited basis.
My fear is that the more I pursue legal action, the less chance I will ever have of reconcilliation.
OK - deep breath - follow the plan - trust the process
I like your lists...nice way to keep it in the forefront as you walk this part of the journey.
I wanted to comment about the "tough love" approach a bit more. This is taken in the early stages when the WAS is at the home with the OW/OM. In your case, your W had already moved out so the need for pulling out the "no OW/OM boundary" script is not necessary.
Since your W is already out of the house, you don't need to make this process adversarial at all. The choice is up to you. For your specific case, you really need to be consistent with being cordial, polite, and respectful in your interactions with W.
For instance, the phone convos with your kids, you can be polite and say: "Hi W...thank you for calling. Please hold on here while I corral the kids so you can talk to them."
After they are finished with the calls, you can say "I am so glad that the kids get the chance to talk with you on the phone. Have a good evening. Bye"
See...it shows her that you're not recoiling or acting like a wounded animal. Be the BIGGER person and show her that you're FINE...thank you!
Let me clarify - adveserial in the legal aspects. It feels like she is getting hit over the head with a club with the legal process. I am following my legal advice but jeez - it still feels harsh.
On one hand, I am protecting myself and kids but on the other hand she has frankly goofy attitudes about what she will and won't pay.
I have to remember though, she is the one who filed for D.
Thanks for the script for the telephone interactions. I can do that. What does showing her that I am the "bigger person" gain? What does that communicate to her? Thinking on your words makes me guess that it shows detachment and that I am not still hurt or wounded and am moving on. As you and I both know, this is not the case but I can fake it.
OK - I think I got it.
However, when we do meet to review documents or kid related stuff, she makes it a point to be rude, say something hurtful, remember the "Run away, that's all you can ever do, that's why I have to threaten you to respond" comment. I have learned to ignore it and just walk away but it's hard, I gotta tell you.
Wanted to put in a response here before you begin a new thread.
Originally Posted By: HeavyD
On one hand, I am protecting myself and kids but on the other hand it's like she is flailing with goofy attitudes about what she will and won't pay. My L looked at her items and said I have the advantage legally.
Listen to L...he/she is your biggest ally right now (other than moi and other DBers..eh).
Originally Posted By: HeavyD
Thanks for the script for the telephone interactions. I can do that. What does showing her that I am the "bigger person" gain? What does that communicate to her?
Do you want to be Eyeore or Tigger? It communicates to W that you are fine and dandy. Thank you very much. You're so busy enjoying your oyster that W doesn't register a blip on your radar. Life is one big buffet table and you're out there being busy partaking it.
However, when we do meet to review documents or kid related stuff, she makes it a point to be rude, say something hurtful, remember the "Run away, that's all you can ever do, that's why I have to threaten you to respond" comment. I have learned to ignore it and just walk away but it's hard, I gotta tell you.
How I handle digs or snarky comments from people is that I look up, look at them squarely right in their eyes, and arch my eyebrow. That usually stops people cold in their tracks. And they never dare to do it again with me. I don't have to say a single thing at all.
