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Danigirl #2556332 04/11/15 05:03 PM
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I think because this type of situation (trying to work on staying, rather than working on have someone stay) makes it hard for me to determine exactly what I should be doing. Should I be detaching? When you want someone to stay, you let them go, be themselves, and don't talk relationship, however is that also the case in this sitch? Do I sit quiet instead of reminding him he promised to do hypnotherapy? I feel if I detach, and don't talk relationship, and keep going to counselling, that really, I will pull away more. I was never a 'absence makes the heart grow fonder' kind of person.

I had already separated my life somewhat, already made my own plans, do things on my own, am I supposed to do it more?


When you say, "trying to work on staying", do you mean you are trying to work toward having the desire to stay in your M, or are you saying you have made that decision and now need to piece the M back together?

It is difficult to know what to do until you know if you want the M to work.....or if you plan to just settle for things as they are and focus on making yourself as happy as possible.

For me, my first decision was to "stay". I felt more like I was trying to just survive the addiction withdrawals from the A, and really couldn't handle much else. And as I have described in past posts, the depression was so bad b/c I felt my M was so hopeless from ever being what I wanted. This went on for quite a spell, but eventually, I had to decide if I wanted to accept a roommate/friends type of M, or if I wanted more. Sounds simple enough to our LBS friends here on the board, but for the WAS it is not that simple.

Not wanting to get your H's hopes up? I recognize those feelings very well. In fact, I acted more withdrawn just so he wouldn't think everything was back to normal. That was how messed up I felt.

I believe the WAS is the one who really sets the pace, and tone, in the R. Especially with a H turned such as our H's. If you don't have a need for more space, then don't worry about it. If you think detaching is not applicable in your stitch, then don't do it.

NOTE: For anyone else who may reading this post, I only advise this to the WAS, not the LBS, b/c the dynamics are different.

You are staying busy, which is good. You initiated a hug, which was good. You had positive interaction with him, and it made you feel good about it.......and that was very good. So, stay the course. If something doesn't work well, then make note to not do it again.

This is hard, slow work. Just stay with us, b/c it will be therapy for you to talk about it here.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
sandi2 #2557481 04/15/15 04:25 PM
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Hello everyone, I apologize for my absence, I started a new shift schedule at work, but also was trying to have discussions with H and try and answer questions I have within myself.

I had a talk with H - I really felt I wanted him to know, for sure, that this time was different. That this time, my unhappiness isn't just going to go away now that I've vented, until the next time. I do believe he understands now. He expressed he wants to change, for him. He realizes that he isn't happy with himself, and doesn't live a happy life, and really wants that for himself, and it's time he did something about it. That he loves me, wants a life with me, and knows that for a chance at that, he has to make himself better.

I thought I had decided I was going to stay, however I'm still not sure I've made that full commitment in my heart. I've 'stayed' for so long already.

I saw my counsellor yesterday, which, as always, was eye opening. The term I've often used is "I've made my bed, now I have to lie in it", seems to have been something throughout my life that I've taken on.

I actually said, out loud, that if things hadn't happened the way they did (I became pregnant) I wouldn't have married him. I hardly knew him, his wife had just died, and there were already little signs of things that I thought were odd, or different about him. However I DID get pregnant, and I DID marry him, so felt "I've made my bed...".

So from the get go, I've pushed things down that I didn't like or agree with. As I talked about things, more and more little things kept coming into my mind, things that on their own, seemed of little significance, however when you pile them all up, and are already struggling with the relationship, they equal one big tipping point.

At the end of the discussion with H, I said that we both needed to do some work on ourselves, for ourselves, and that I wasn't looking at just getting up one day and leaving (which is true).

The counsellor talked about how long I was willing to 'wait', to which I responded that I don't feel I have alot of patience, as I have already waited so long. Have put all his needs ahead of mine. Everyone's needs ahead of mine, feeling that I had to just suck it up.

I learned that for the most part, I don't care what people think - except for those I love the most. My parents, my sister, and my kids. I will bend over backwards to NOT be part of conflict with them, if possible. I have a deep fear the kids will end up hating me (not sure why) or that my family will think I'm just one disaster after another (depression as a teen, double depression after kids, failed first marriage, unexpected pregnancy, 2nd marriage, and now all this)

I know I'm afraid to say that I want out of this relationship, because then I would have to act on it, and I'm not sure of my strength level. What IF the kids hate me?

My brain is so overloaded right now. So is H's. He's been very tired lately, plus changes at work.

Starting tomorrow I'm working nights for four days, so I won't see much of the family. Thankfully I have studying to do over the weekend, so my mind won't be realing from all the thoughts about my relationship - I could really use a break from it (I'm sure you all know how that is).

Thank you all for staying present, with me.

I'm heading out to see my mom, have coffee, talk. So thankful for my family.

Dani


Me: 44 H: 47
T: 16 M: 14
Kids: S24,S21,S20,D18,D14
2008-2015 - Almost WAW

-The best thing about love is, you don't have to take it from one person, to give it to another.- Author Unknown
Danigirl #2557482 04/15/15 04:34 PM
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Dani, again, no advice, but support and encouragement. I wish I could be more helpful, but you're doing all the hard work already. I just want you to know someone hears you, and cares.

Hugs.


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
Maybell #2557488 04/15/15 04:54 PM
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Dani

Give yourself a break. A little space and time to think.

I would recommend to you that you do not make any decisions whilst you feel tired or emotional.

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


Vanilla #2558616 04/18/15 10:22 AM
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How are you Dani?

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


#2560274 04/23/15 04:58 PM
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Hi everyone,

Things have been difficult. Dealing with a new shift/job. H is dealing with a new boss at work. I haven't been able to see my counselor this week as she is away.

Last night I was watching a movie with D14 and H. I was agitated. I had had one drink - normally I am silly and fun, however I felt annoyed and angry (and told H that I was feeling that way after having a drink). I was fidgeting the whole time, big sighs. I had been thinking the last couple days I had a huge ball of stress in my stomach. I could feel it growing, and yesterday I think it started to leak.

After the movie I left to go to the drug store, I needed a prescription filled (had been meaning to go, but kept forgetting, and now I was out of the anti-depressant that helps me sleep). They told me they couldn't fill last night, as too many people ahead of me. I asked if I could just get one - tears in my eyes, and the stress coming up. She said No. I went to the car and cried. Started driving home, and called my mom (who lives close) said I needed to come over NOW.

So I went and broke down. I was feeling so hugely stressed about everything. My dad has a hard time seeing me upset. Commends my strength throughout the life I've had with H (they know how much I've given up and sacrificed to keep the family functioning). He has a hard time seeing H not help me with things that need to be done. I really just needed to cry and talk - to let that bit of air out, so I could breathe again.

I don't know how I can keep staying in the same house. How can I work on things, it feels so crowded here.

He is quiet. We don't talk about anything important. Barely functioning. He could see I'd been crying last night - told him I broke after not getting meds. He knows it's so much more than that.

I couldn't sleep. Tossed and turned all night. He reached out to me a few times - his leg touching mine, or his hand on my arm. We haven't touched in bed for quite awhile. All I could think is "he knows he may not get to feel this again".

All this time I've felt stressed, upset, tired. Last night I felt angry, agitated. I wanted to lash out, to hit something. If we had a treadmill I'd have run on it - and I don't run.

I feel I have no where to release all this built up stuff.

Thinking of writing him a letter to tell where I'm at. So hard as I don't want to hurt him, however feel that right now, I'm doing so much hurting.

I start a four day work block tomorrow - noon to 11:15pm. I won't really see him. That will be some relief for me. Work helps me take my mind off things.

I'm sorry I've been absent - not much time on the computer. I've been withdrawn from life I guess.

I promise to try and write more often as it is therapeutic.

Dani


Edit - Post merged with previous thread

Last edited by Cadet; 04/23/15 05:04 PM. Reason: message

Me: 44 H: 47
T: 16 M: 14
Kids: S24,S21,S20,D18,D14
2008-2015 - Almost WAW

-The best thing about love is, you don't have to take it from one person, to give it to another.- Author Unknown
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Huge, huge hug for you. More later.


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
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Dani

You sound very down indeed. Physiologically drained by the struggle.

I would love for you to take extraordinary care of yourself even though H is not taking care of himself. To have some Dani time, to go GAL, a short holiday even a couple of days with a fun girlfriend.

I understand the need to escape and thankfully I do not have to go to bed with my H. His hygiene lacks at the moment but at least he is showering most days and I am washing his clothes. The cigarettes are bad and the unkempt look goes a long way. So I understand the reluctant contact. I used to be attracted to H but an unkempt man with bad breath and a beer belly isn't my idea of lovely any more.

I threw away his pillows and bought new ones in the sales. Bedding is unchanged sometimes for long periods. I do steal his towels to wash at high heat.

Truly this is hard work for you, with H not iniating change then even harder. This may take some time to resolve and Dani I would love to see you detach from H and your sitch. It appears pressure cooked.

Keep on posting Dani, you can off load here with the DB board members who will give you all the support that we can.

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


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