WAS asked for divorce today.

[aNewGuy]

Indeed, if you do too much of this "no response", you might be enabling her to avoid actual costs that she'll probably face later on anyhow. Make sense?

Could you elaborate on this a bit? What sorts of actual costs are you describing here?

So you can GAL and Detach and move forward while treating her the way you wish you had before (without pursuing and yes that is possible)

^^THIS is something I am working on doing. I think my ego is public enemy number one here. Not sure yet how to keep THAT guy in check!

and without mixing it up with the painful ugly parts of this. Let the lawyers do their jobs. Refer her to your lawyer if she begins to seek more than you believe is reasonable and or if she gets upset.

Makes me see the value in spending money there rather than spending mental energy on all the stuff THEY could be talking about instead.

Referring her to your lawyer (or having hers call yours, etc) will also reduce the chance of a blow out with her.

When my h realized that a divorce would cost what it would cost, he got angry and he seemed to think that telling me he was "going to see a lawyer" would upset me.

It was just the opposite. I wanted him to hear a lawyer tell him some reality. (I told him to "Please see a lawyer asap so you don't have to take my word for it")

For me, seeing a lawyer was incredibly calming as I confirmed my hopes, not my fears, about how I would not be "on the streets with the kids"...

DO see a lawyer as soon as possible. You need not "do" anything but pay a lawyer for some time, but do get information. Truly knowledge is power.

Thank you for this advice. Along with other advice I have gotten recently, I understand now why I need to lawyer up.

How is your GAL? I don't think you can detach without GAL and truly it makes you obsess less and you will become a happier person

and that is attracting, as is a man with interests and hobbies and passions, it helps you bring a lot to the table.

^^ Working on this!
Keep posting and keep on keeping on!

[aNewGuy]

So this morning I received a text from my wife, she has received the paperwork I would need to sign for a divorce to be settled after our state's waiting period passes. She is asking for me to go sign it with her next week. Basically the paperwork states we have no children, and that each of us has all of our possessions in our possession. In other words, she is not asking for anything from me.

Here is the deal.... I want reconciliation, not divorce. If I go and sign the papers, then basically we both walk away scott free as far as possessions and future liabilities are concerned. If I do NOT go and sign the papers, then basically a judge WILL still grant the divorce, but can and will decide for us whatgoes where.

So financially it would be in my best interest to go sign, assuming that she will be doing this no matter what.

I am so tired, y'all! Seriously wish I could just put this nightmare to bed and wake up tomorrow with a new beginning to our marriage.

Not sure how to respond to her request for us to both go together next week to sign the papers. Basically, it does NOT MATTER leagally whether I sign them today or I sign them in July, the divorce cannot be final until mid July no matter what.

So not sure if I should just say, "Yes, I will go sign with you next week", or "No, you can go sign whenever you want and I will sign whenever I want". Or something along those lines.

For that matter, my attorney points out, I could actually go and file a motion to waive the waiting period in our state and we could be divorced tomorrow. She could do the same.

I am not sure how to respond to her on this. She is asking for my signature on divorce papers and to make her wait is "More of the same" behavior on my part, but to go sign immediately will look as though I actually want this, which I don't. But if I don't want to spend a fortune fighting this then signing is the financially correct thing to do. Here's the thing.... even if I fight it, she will still eventually get the divorce, but we will both just be much poorer and no idea if fighting it would make "the road home" a lot more bumpy.

So no idea how I will respond to this request for me to go sign next week. Again, financially dumb for me not to sign this...

[Winhamn]

Well, I don't have any answers for you.

I am in the same boat though. Wife wants a divorce, like yesterday, I don't want one at all.

It's really hell.

Hopefully someone more useful comes along to respond

[pilot]

Just remember, a divorce is just a piece of paper. 20% of all who D end up remarried to each other. If signing it protects you financially, vs not signing it and potentially exposing yourself, then sign it. If you do not have to sign it until mid July, then acknowledge that she wants to sign it next week and you you will go on our own when you have some time.

I know it seems like the end. Maybe it is, maybe it isnt. Just remember to keep the focus on being the best you possible. If your W is to want to reconcile, you need to be a person she wants to be with. Whether or not your signature is on a piece of paper is irrelevant.

Best of luck to you.

[bravo61]

sorry, divorce is not just a piece of paper. otherwise it wouldn't be such a big deal when people that divorce reconcile.

hold on as long as you can. there is still hope after divorce too. just not as much. not trying to be a negative nancy but i don't want to cause you to have those "expectations".

[aNewGuy]

Hey Pilot, Thanks for that. I find myself coming here to write about this situation and it's a great outlet for me to blog about this situation here.

It's been a tough couple of months, but I am felling some better every day. I agree - being the best person I can is the right response to all of this. I'm doing pretty well at it. I am slowly but surely building up strength physically and emotionally.

It continues to be a roller coaster... I can't believe how much I love this woman and how quickly a song can come on the radio and make a grown man cry - or laugh - in remembrance of some special moment or event we associated with it.

My second job is far more physically demanding than any other job I have had in the past seven years. I am starting to see the results of this new found physical regimen from my second job in the mirror, and starting to feel it in my head too. The confidence is slowly building and I look forward to more of the same in the future.

One day, I hope my wife will decide to call me up. We still have all of the holidays this year, and all of the family events we used to go to together, and many more reasons why I will be missed by her in the future. I would say that if ever there was a case where a divorce might not actually be the end, mine is it.

What a learning experience this all is... I think perhaps it is time for me to pick back up Divorce Remedy and re-read it through eyes that are a couple months further down the road and see how differently it reads today compared to in February.

Thank you for your feedback, as always it is an answered prayer.

ANd Winhamn - hang in there man, I will be saying a prayer for you - and your wife - tonight. I know the hell you speak of on a first name basis!

[aNewGuy]

So, I hired an attorney to review the case. My wife is not asking for anything more, asset wise, from me.

What she is doing, however, is continuing to pester me about the papers. Every time she writes me a text message about something else, anything... it is followed up with questions about when I will sign the papers, have I read the papers, did I get the papers to my attorney (since I just hired one, her lawyer did not know he needs to communicate with my lawyer), can we go together to sign the papers (Yes, she asked me that!), etc. about the papers!

I cannot begin to describe what a knot it puts in my chest to see these messages coming from my wife! Yesterday I was doing quite well at work and having a very good day when she again asked me something about the papers!

I responded by saying, "Look, there is nothing I can do in our state from getting what you want, and there is nothing that either one of us can do to make it go any faster, geez! What's the rush?"

Obviously, she responded angrily. She said she felt slighted that I had an attorney because she was still the same person and wouldn't cheat me and that it's already hard enough that she has to see me every day while trying to work through this.

A little while later she wrote again and said she was sorry she got angry.

I responded to that saying "How come, it was honest. I am sorry you are hurting".

She wrote back to that saying she is not necessarily hurting but that the failure of our marriage does hurt and looking at me and knowing that this is not what I want makes her feel guilty. She goes on to say that she made the right choice but that doesn't mean it was an easy one.

It really is hard to focus on GAL when all this is occurring, but I am liking the fact that while she is talking on facebook about her gym membership, I am quietly walking several miles and doing a ton of rigorous exercise (moved about 5000 pounds of block and soil by hand the other day) at my second job. I can't believe the difference I am already starting to see in the mirror, at first I was tired and literally in pain but now I am actually seeking out those tasks that require strength. It's a far cry from the office jobs I have held over the past seven years!

So here is what's next: I can either sit back and not go sign these papers until they absolutely must be signed (sometime in July). Or I can go in and sign them right away. The only thing she is asking for that I don't agree with is the divorce itself. In fact, with her being in such a hurry, I think I might protect my interests financially ...by asking the judge to waive the waiting period. She really expects me to make this difficult on her - that's not my goal, my goal is to reconcile. But if she is going to continue stinking up all of our more pleasant interactions by talking about these papers every time, why should I not just go ahead and give her what she wants while the only thing she wants is nothing? I guess I just fear that waiting this thing out till the end of July with her repeatedly asking me about these papers is risky for me - 1st because something might change and cause her to ask for things that aren't hers, and 2nd because I might literally have a heart attack and die because of all the stress related to even thinking about signing these papers!

I guess basically I am saying there is nothing to fight in this besides the divorce itself, and in this state there is no stopping it. Slowing it down will only serve to tick her off, right? I can't make her stay, she does not want to do counseling so asking the court to require it would likely only make her resent me, and right now the agreement she is proposing would be approved by the court and would properly cover both of our behinds.

Ugh.

Writing that out makes me feel like perhaps my best option here is still to just delay signing the papers and tell her she will just have to trust me that if July gets here and she still wants them signed, I will do so.

Along with a note asking her to not ask me about them again until that time comes.

[aNewGuy]

I'm thinking along the lines of if you love someone, set them free.

And if I ever have another chance with her, then never ever forget what a tough time it was without her!

I'm going outside to read a few chapters by the fire. Good night everyone, I will be saying a prayer for God to work in your lives tonight!