D report | I went to an information session about the mediation process in my jurisdiction tonight. It had taken me weeks to register. I don't know if WW went, but we got the same info. As expected, it wasn't easy. I welled up several times, when something seemed to touch on my own situation. I didn't see anyone who seem to get quite as emotional, although I didn't quite stare at people and I might have been hiding it well too. I got some useful information, some of which about how I might want to communicate more with WW about the kids, if only to reassure them that we do. Other than that, I don't feel ready to get started, but I will if I have to. This all feels like cutting my own legs. I'm full of admiration for all of you who take the lead or just go along with it.
PMA report | As I wrote on another thread, it seems like my feelings about the sitch are not really changing, they simply decrease. As the challenges of getting a D and then raising the kids in a co-parenting arrangement become more apparent, I feel more and more that this is all so unnecessary. From my perspective, all it required was a couple of minor adjustments on our parts, not pushing the self-destroy button. But then I realize that it doesn't matter what I think. I've thought the same thing from the start, I told her and yet she decided we were through and all this was better than staying together. It just is and I have to deal with it.
Sometimes I wonder if I would cry as much if my WW didn't tell me at BD that I didn't love her enough or that I was a robot without emotion. Could it be that I ache so much out of anger, to prove her wrong on some of the basic reasons she gave me for leaving? Is this why I so often feel this urge to show her my pain, even though I never do? "Look, you were wrong to leave: I am emotional and in pain that you left!" If she left and said that I'm too emotional and smothering, would I have cried as much, or feel any desire to show her my pain? Some idle thoughts to try to get a hold of my feelings and reactions.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
Mozza, don't miss my posts tonight. I was talking to you in Nole's, and may as well have been on Pyrite's.
I have really admired the way you conduct yourself by your convictions, even when we've quibbled on whether you should date again this lifetime or not
You are a leader Mozza. I can tell that. I am grateful for your children you are able to be strong for them, and pray that you too will get the support and strength to continue on this road.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Mozza - Don't feel bad about getting emotional about the actual divorce process. There's no getting around it - it just stinks. I'm almost done - but every time I get a legal document with our names on it, it upsets me. This week I got one that was no big deal at all - where I signed off that it was ok for STBX to pay me child support directly instead of having the state collect it. Yet I still felt like throwing up. It's one of the issues I have being sympathetic to STBX - because I literally cannot understand why anyone, barring abuse, would voluntarily instigate this.
And about this....
Originally Posted By: Mozza
Sometimes I wonder if I would cry as much if my WW didn't tell me at BD that I didn't love her enough or that I was a robot without emotion. Could it be that I ache so much out of anger, to prove her wrong on some of the basic reasons she gave me for leaving? Is this why I so often feel this urge to show her my pain, even though I never do? "Look, you were wrong to leave: I am emotional and in pain that you left!" If she left and said that I'm too emotional and smothering, would I have cried as much, or feel any desire to show her my pain? Some idle thoughts to try to get a hold of my feelings and reactions.
My gut instinct is a pretty simplistic one - but, in your bones, do you really believe what she told you? I'm sure there are some grains of truth in what our WAS's say, but when there is an affair in the mix - I am highly skeptical that it is anything other than the need for justification. Your wife has done this before, and I believe in the past you have probably accurately assessed that this is largely about her.
From my perspective, all it required was a couple of minor adjustments on our parts, not pushing the self-destroy button.
Yes. This is what I struggle with as well. But the reality might be a bit different? I mean maybe things were a bigger deal than we realised? To our spouses I mean. In my case, I think my optimistic "it will be ok" nature possibly meant I didn't see the major adjustments for what they were. What do you think?
H 37 Me 36 Together 15 years Married 5 years No kids BD Apr 2014 H moved out 2 Jun 2014
From my perspective, all it required was a couple of minor adjustments on our parts, not pushing the self-destroy button.
Yes. This is what I struggle with as well. But the reality might be a bit different? I mean maybe things were a bigger deal than we realised? To our spouses I mean. In my case, I think my optimistic "it will be ok" nature possibly meant I didn't see the major adjustments for what they were. What do you think?
So, I thought about this for a second and I think there are definitely folks here that realize that there were overarching deep issues with their M, their WAS or themselves and the BD is what 'woke them up' to seeing it. However, I see some of us that the issues themselves were not the problem. However the "Communication" of those issues in the M was the true Coup d'état of the decline. While from a logical standpoint, one is harder to solve than another. The lack of Communication itself is probably more toxic than something tangible that we can identify.
Regardless, I feel the same way. My mind-reading is that WW knows this too. That if we communicate, than things can be resolved. She's not sure she wants to resolve it....so she won't communicate. Ahhh, hopefully the fog will lift.
M:36 W:37 T: 15 M:11 S6 D5 BD: 8/10/14 IDLY: 8/12/14 S: 8/13/14 (she left, I stayed w/ kids) D Mentioned: 10/15/14 Confronted about OM: 10/15/14 EA: ~4/13 PA: ~10/13 She filed: 8/15 (not final)
Just a question. when you think back, how much did you surpress your emotions because you didnt want to show weakness or thought that being upset or otherwise meant something was wrong with you as person (i'm think nice guy mask here)
I may be on completely the wrong track with that though
Both mid 30s, 2 young kids BD 7sep14 XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1 D paperwork in progress
