Just when I think we're piecing, that things are improving, it blows up.
We were traveling back from a great long weekend in San Antonio with the kids. All seemed well; we were living as if, she was warmer, we were making good memories with the kids, all these things we're supposed to do....
And then OM posts a pic of he and his wife on a couples vacation in San Francisco. My W freaks out. Total spew, hate and blame. Spew on him for playing mind games with her, spew on me for screwing up her life, spew on herself for being a loser. Alternation between hate at me, hate at him and self pity. This victim crap of hers is really getting old.
Seems like every time I get some hope it blows up in my face. At this point I'd be happy for her to run off with someone else just to get the abuse and mind games to stop.
When things are calm, she's warm, upbeat; things aren't where they should be but we're on a good path. When she crashes, it's hell.
I know piecing is a long process but shouldn't we be past some of this by now?
I told her to do what she needed to do to make herself happy...I even got to the point of giving her a hall pass; if she wants to meet someone, then she should do it. At least then I'd be free to make my life the way I want it. Her answer was telling; she didn't say that she wanted to continue to work on us, she was terrified that she was too old, too tired and too busy to go out and meet men. That spoke volumes to me.
I'm just about to quit
Ex Rzrback Me 43 Her 44 D11, D15 T21, M19 BD 9/9/2014 Piecing
Sometimes if you want to see a change for the better, you have to take things into your own hands - Clint Eastwood
All I can say is "wow"....your W is still very stuck on XOM. Why does she give a damn about what he does or doesn't do. I think she is feeling sore about the rejection from the XOM as if she's unworthy of someone's love.
Self esteem is a huge issue. A big part of her spew is this idea that she's too old to meet anyone else, that the best part of her life has passed her by, that she's been cursed with an unhealthy romantic life...the first two men she slept with ended up being gay, the wall between us for 12 of our 20 years, her married OM. I made mistakes with her, my parents have this inexplicable animosity towards her, her OM decided to stick with his own wife of 16 years instead of upending it all for her...and she somehow thinks it's about her worth. She never used to be like this. One of the things I loved about her was that she was her own person and nobody's victim.
I knew she was still stuck on OM, but I also saw signs that the fog was lifting. She intellectually knows that he's bad news. She knows that she could never fully trust him because of his history of infidelity (she was OW #3), but she's angry because her feelings haven't followed. Despite all that, if he called her tomorrow, told her he was leaving his wife and wanted her, she'd be gone, even though she knows what a piece of work he is. She admitted to me the other night that on his last visit he had asked her out for drinks the next time he's in town (which is probably September). She didn't say yes, but she hasn't said no yet either. This was after three other visits where no deep conversation took place. Mind games. Why do I put up with this crap?
There was a semi-positive thing to come out of the meltdown this weekend. She finally decided to unfriend him on Facebook and get him out of her phone. The catch is that she doesn't want to do it until she has a chance to talk to him face to face, get some questions answered, and tell him to go away for good. If her marriage is the priority she says it is, then why does she need any questions answered? Remove him from her devices, shoot him a "don't call me" message, and be done with it.
We're in MC, we have a lot to talk about in session tomorrow.
Ex Rzrback Me 43 Her 44 D11, D15 T21, M19 BD 9/9/2014 Piecing
Sometimes if you want to see a change for the better, you have to take things into your own hands - Clint Eastwood
I think it's time to be your true authentic self and open up on how this affects you emotionally. Just simply state that you feel that XOM is the higher priority over you and that makes you feel unwelcome as a husband. That is not good.
Put it on the table and state your needs as a H. You might want to visit CaliGuy's thread over in MLC for he really articulated his needs to his MLCer W. Thought that was a really well reasoned approach.
Thanks Wonka. Caliguy's thread is huge so it'll take a little while to go through it.
It's apparent I need to revisit detaching. I thought we were further down the line than we were. This weekend's meltdown pointed out how much progress we haven't made.
I'm having a hard time figuring out where her head is. To be fair I'm not sure she knows where her head is.
The good: when her state of mind is good, she's positive, she wants to work on us, she participates fully in MC. We just came off a great trip together. She's warmer than she has been in a long time, though it's still a little off. I was talking with her just now and she wanted to sit down tonight and talk about ways we can raise some capital for some business ideas I'm working on. She notices and praises the changes I've made I my life. She talks about how much more attractive and strong I am.
The bad: She still doesn't "give" much. Affection is sill mostly initiated by me (that's gotta stop. I allowed myself to get lazy). She had the major meltdown over OM's pic. She knew they were going on this trip. She is still obsessed with what OM is thinking...if he's working on his own marriage, why does he want to have drinks with her? Why is she so concerned about getting her questions answered? If our marriage is first priority, why bother? She's still full of anger at me and it comes out at times. Then when she's calm and in a decent mood she's not angry. She says we both allowed our marriage to deteriorate and then blames me for screwing up her life...often in the same 15-minute span. I need a neck brace because of the whiplash.
I just can't figure out where we are.
Ex Rzrback Me 43 Her 44 D11, D15 T21, M19 BD 9/9/2014 Piecing
Sometimes if you want to see a change for the better, you have to take things into your own hands - Clint Eastwood
She admitted to me the other night that on his last visit he had asked her out for drinks the next time he's in town (which is probably September). She didn't say yes, but she hasn't said no yet either. This was after three other visits where no deep conversation took place. Mind games. Why do I put up with this crap?
There was a semi-positive thing to come out of the meltdown this weekend. She finally decided to unfriend him on Facebook and get him out of her phone. The catch is that she doesn't want to do it until she has a chance to talk to him face to face, get some questions answered, and tell him to go away for good. If her marriage is the priority she says it is, then why does she need any questions answered? Remove him from her devices, shoot him a "don't call me" message, and be done with it.
I can't tell you what to do, NH -- none of us can. But those two things ALONE would be a dealbreaker for me. For most of us, I would imagine.
You're worth more than all of this. Much more. I pray you can see that one day soon.
