In other news. Went to the L today. Overall, good advice. I think I'm just going to stand-by for now and see what WW's next move is, August is when she can file.
L got a little defensive for me. It was nice and genuine, but tough at the same time. She said she totally sees my character, where I'm coming from, what I desire for the kids, how I'm approaching the sitch, etc. Told me my only problem was that I needed to get to the point that 'I' am not trying to fix her. I said, I realized that a month or so ago. She also said that she has seen this type of behavior in WW's, but it seems that my WW is taking things way farther than normal; to an unhealthy level especially with kids involved. Said that WW definitely needs to go see IC at a minimum; probably more. She said it seems like WW has really deep emotional problems beyond me or the M. Then said:
"MCS, you're a really nice guy and I commend you for how you are handling this. I've seen this type of thing before and if WW starts to want to R; You need to be really, really, really careful. In fact, you don't want to hear this; but I've been doing this for a long time and I'd be really concerned even trying to R."
Yep, that one hurt a little....
M:36 W:37 T: 15 M:11 S6 D5 BD: 8/10/14 IDLY: 8/12/14 S: 8/13/14 (she left, I stayed w/ kids) D Mentioned: 10/15/14 Confronted about OM: 10/15/14 EA: ~4/13 PA: ~10/13 She filed: 8/15 (not final)
I get it. A few months ago, when I called an L and told her, in full disclosure, that R was still an option for me, she said it was a normal phase, and then there will be anger and then... She said she'd seen R in perhaps 1-2% of her cases (she sees only the litigious part: after mediation failed, before D). I don't bring this up as proper stats, but to share that it's sometimes hard to be confronted in our hopes. I believe that our chances are much higher than this, but also that we're doing the right thing for ourselves, regardless of the outcome with WW.
As for your dating, please feel free to share whatever you want with us. I greatly enjoy reading your thoughts. I personally decided that, much like my parenting, there's only so much I want to discuss about this on this board. I'll say that I simply follow the normal process of someone who's on these sites, creating a profile and then getting in touch.
It might be interesting to see why you are on these sites. I think you started exploring it. You miss the connection with someone else. It is often mentioned that it's great for the ego to get female attention, but honestly, I don't get it: it's not really how I feel for these interactions. I'd be curious if you do feel the ego shot. I like your insights about how an EA can start so easily. To me, it's now fascinating to think that I could let my WW starve emotionally next to me. She was here, she was with me, I had every chance to feed her, yet I was deaf. If I had a traveling machine, I'd go back in time to smack myself on the head.
Well, seems like I'm just rambling tonight. Main message: I'm here and reading you, as always.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
Main message: I'm here and reading you, as always.
Mozza,
Likewise, it seems like you and I ping-pong back and forth when it comes to approaching the next step in the process. I've seen you're a lot more insightful in your writing than I've been, but find that it often mirrors what I'm thinking. Like I said the other week, you're one of the first sitch's I identified with and its been comforting going through it with you. In an anonymous internet guy-friend kind of way....
As far as why I'm on the site. It really was that I felt like I was 'damaged goods' from others at this point in my life. Most of my friends are married, have kids or have been single and generally 'unattached' and those folks still have that hint of 'freedom' (that frankly I'm not really interested in. Stuff like extravagant trips, partying, huge time consuming hobbies (I guess in general GAL activities )
For me, I felt like everything in my life is going just fine, I was and still am comfortable about pretty much every aspect....except for my huge mess of a M/Relationship. When I got on there, it was just a relief that so many people seemed to be in a similar position; focused on kids, career, normal life.
Yeah, with the contact. I'm not sure if it revolves around ego, but I'd be lying if I said it had nothing to do with that. Not that I'm trying to lead anyone on or anything, trust me I'm not. It's all just been friendly conversation, but I'll write something and then get anxious to see if its a positive response. That's why I said what I did about an EA, I see myself thinking about how to 'connect' even if its just as a friendship. What to discuss, what to joke about, etc.
Also, I find that its nice to get to talk to someone that is unaffected by the sitch and really knows nothing about me. What I mean is that most everyone that I interact with on a personal level has been there every step of the way during the sitch. I can tell they are there to support me, look out for me, and generally care about me. They've seen me at my lowest points in my life and have seen me begin to cope, get stronger and continue to heal. With trying to get to know someone, I know that they haven't seen that part of me and are just trying to learn stuff through conversation.
Lastly, as I'm rambling also; this is definitely part of me pushing out of my comfort zone, which is part of where I see growth for me (like you've said about yourself.) I've been so conservative, planning and executing my entire life, career, whatever. It's good to just do something and not be totally sure what the outcome will be. Call it growth from letting go of control? I don't know.
_______________ For Vanilla,
I'm really glad how you addressed Mozza and I. I actually caught myself smiling a little bit when reading your post; thinking 'yep, she knows me and called me on some pieces that I'm probably BS-ing to myself in my own head' Maybe a little less of MNG for MCS?
M:36 W:37 T: 15 M:11 S6 D5 BD: 8/10/14 IDLY: 8/12/14 S: 8/13/14 (she left, I stayed w/ kids) D Mentioned: 10/15/14 Confronted about OM: 10/15/14 EA: ~4/13 PA: ~10/13 She filed: 8/15 (not final)
To me, it's now fascinating to think that I could let my WW starve emotionally next to me. She was here, she was with me, I had every chance to feed her, yet I was deaf. If I had a traveling machine, I'd go back in time to smack myself on the head.
Forgot to comment on this. This is totally related to the 'stages' of relationships in DB/DR. Dating or not, we're all the way back at the beginning of getting to know people. It's all new, fresh and exciting. However, now we are aware that this will eventually fade to everyday life.
I think you said something like this about you're WW. She's looking for the continual 'excitement' of being in a new relationship, but eventually that all goes away.
Last edited by MCS; 05/02/1504:34 AM.
M:36 W:37 T: 15 M:11 S6 D5 BD: 8/10/14 IDLY: 8/12/14 S: 8/13/14 (she left, I stayed w/ kids) D Mentioned: 10/15/14 Confronted about OM: 10/15/14 EA: ~4/13 PA: ~10/13 She filed: 8/15 (not final)
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