Lou, I love reading your updates. You keep your cool, and give us the insight of MLCer, who discovered that grass is actually not that green on the other side, LOL. I love it! You are doing great! Take is slow, as you already know… I have all the confidence in you!
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
NLW and Bright - you are my cheerleaders and keep me grounded, so thank you so much.
Yesterday h and I were texting from lunchtime to bedtime, its been a very long time since we have done that.
We talked about everything and anything, it was nice.
One thing he asked was what my plans are for the next few months. I told him my two options -neither included him. He text back
h: none of your decisions or possible decisions mention me or us I see. Not saying that you should make plans around me but thought one might have something to do with it
m: I don't presume anything. You know I am interested, I have made no secret of that, but I am not going to jump in - if we decide that we want to move forwards with us then of course I am open to other options. This is your party, I am waiting for an invite, whether I rsvp is my choice
He is starting to see that I was not the whole cause of his unhappiness. One thing he left me for was because he felt I stopped him from making lots of friends - he has been gone over a year and made 0 new friends - um, I don't think he can blame me for this one anymore.
Interestingly we touched on the subject of his friends, that they have not been in touch with him since he left me - I said they were probably shocked about the split and that he replaced me so quickly, they did not know what to say to him - he replied " very few people knew about ow, I did not tell anyone and did not put anything on fb about her/us, not even photos. I wonder why, was she not at the time, the love of his life?
I asked him what has changed, why now - he said : I don't know what has changed. Have thought hard to find the specific thing/things and not come up with anything concrete. I believe I will, just not at the moment. All I know is that I think about you a lot more and worry about you - not so much because of guilt of putting you in this situation, but because I really care about you.
There really does sound some genuine thinking from him. I can't put it into words, but I feel a bit detached from this - like it is not real. IDK, perhaps its non belief we are having these conversations, or maybe it's the fear of getting hurt - I do have a huge worry that we will eventually meet up and he will not have that physical rush for me - or me for him. - but that is a way down the road yet, so should not overthink things before I am faced with them.
So thats all from me today - just carrying on - still making my plans without including him in them - just now more aware of changing them ...or finding a compromise ... omg, I have pleased myself for a year now, so to have to think of someone else again ......
My thread is nearing 100 so I thought I would make this the last update, its fitting as a new chapter in my story is beginning.
I need to get this out of me, it’s been bottled up and gets added to regularly at the moment. I can’t talk to my girlfriends about it and know that here is a safe and understanding place to be. I apologise for this being so long.
So here goes: Work is much the same, not happy but plodding along until I come up with a plan b. I got my appraisal this week, I wanted to beat my friend who sits on the top of the leader board with 80%, I got …….86% booyah lol. No criticism of my performance just that I have set myself a high standard to continue to live up to.
Things with s18 came to a head and I found out he was being withdrawn from college, he had been leaving in the morning but not attending. He was going down the typical teen boy route of parties, drinking, girls and cars which was becoming a real problem for me to deal with on my own, especially with my work hours. After yet another bad night with him I gave in and rang h, told he that s18 really needs male role models in his life before he goes down a path we cannot get him back from, he stepped up immediately, said put him on a plane and he and s21 would have him for a while. He left last weekend, lives with s21 and already has found work through an agency. So fingers crossed all works out with him.
So to my meltdown head explosion bit. H - this is the shortened version !
Then today happened. So h let me know that the house had fallen through. I asked about ow moving out and he replied that neither of them were any closer to finding somewhere but there are more open homes this weekend. He asked how I am as we had not spoken for a few days. I replied and a few texts went back and forth. I asked how he is doing – then it all happened.
H: As for me and how things are, I'm seeing a psychotherapist as I felt overwhelmed and want to understand what I am feeling and why. I need to assure myself that I am not reacting and risk hurting others. That is the last thing I want to do. For me it’s a sanity check on my thoughts, I am not going so to change my intentions (us). I would describe myself as very confused. What are you thinking?
So I did it, I laid it all out there, I said I was sad he was feeling this way and hope that things become clearer for him so he can enjoy life again. Then I went on to say how I was feeling, how I have always felt about him, that I made a promise to him 24yrs ago and stand by it, that I love him, miss him and care for him and I want him to be happy. (This is the shortened version).
He thanked me for being open. Apologised for all that is happening and the confusion he is causing, that he is working on it. That he seriously does not know how he feels about anything. He has fears over us, that we are now two very different people with separate experiences and expectations for the future. He feels that we have been through so much over the years and survived it, that I am to him, like he to me, his lobster (it’s a term from Friends, Ross and Rachel are lobsters, they mate for life) H is upset he is causing me more harm and hates the way he is and who he has become.
I replied that he is only human and needs to be kind to himself (ha ha) And yes I am different now, stronger and less fearful of life. I asked about this relationship ban, is it still what he wants.
H : I won’t be starting any new relationships. I want to sort out the ones I have – not all romantic, it includes the boys, friends and family. On the back of my indecisiveness you need to look out for you. Tell me at any time that what I am doing/not doing is not acceptable.
I asked him if the physical side is over with him and ow (something that has bothered me) only honesty will take us forwards, even as just friends.
H: its over and in the interest of honestly I would prefer it wasn’t, that is also part of my therapy. Then he started talking about his s/drive and how its gone through the roof since leaving, that he never cheated or even considered cheating on me but its taken all his willpower to not to cheat on her.
H:I feel it has taken over my life. I was seeking a hedonistic young free and single life. I don’t know what is driving this, be it mid life crisis or chemical imbalance but it’s a real problem. I feel ashamed telling you this but I want you to be aware.
Me: I don’t know when or why your feeling and thoughts for me came back, perhaps I am your lobster, perhaps I am not. I appreciate that you are very lost right now and I am safely, but if you realise that I am nothing more than that I would appreciate you being up front with me.
H: you may be right, I would swear you’re not, but until I better understand myself I have no way of assuring you that it is not just a safety thing. With absolute double standards can I ask a question : What has been your physical status over the past year?
Me: me myself and I ha ha. I had a couple of offers but could not bring myself to. If you are with others, then please make sure you protect yourself.
H: I am not wanting to be out there all over the place, hence trying to work it out with the shrink, but thanks for safe se# talk lol. The last thing I want to do is give you hope without knowing that all is well in my noggin and its just down to you and I feeling the same way about each other at the same time. I am so sorry for being so messed up.
Me: ok thanks for the honesty. Nothing has changed, you have asked for my support and I give it freely. What will be the status with you and ow when you finally leave. And why did you want to know about my physical activity, curiosity or something else? Why did it end with ow?
H: Once we move, that’s it, no f/b friends etc. We were trying to be the person we thought the other wanted and got into an unhappy place, no communication and the physical fizzled out. I wanted to know about you to see how I felt, I am worried it would be an issue for me, it is double standards, especially given who I have been.
Me: your funny. How do you think you would have felt had I said yes? Somehow I think if we can get through this we will be indestructible.
H: I think you may be right. Catch up again tomorrow xx
I don't know how to keep going forwards, I feel like I want to run, that I can't do this. I want so much to support him, especially as he now seems to recognise that he has problems and is getting help for them. I see him being concerned for me and that I should protect myself, but I am not sure how this is possible, I am either in or out - in for the long haul or not. I really hate the limbo, the not knowing that after all this, even if I see this through to the end, that we still may not make it - that he may discover that we are not what he wants after all -
I'm very sorry about your son, but at least his father and older brother have him under their wings now. He was a lost soul, confused and probably acting out because of how he's been feeling w/the situation. True, typical teenage behavior, but then again you do have to wonder if some of his behavior wasn't trigged by what his father has done. I'm hoping and praying that being w/his father and older brother will help him to bond w/the males in his life and he can get his act together. I do think you did the right thing in ringing up his father about the situation.
As for your h, he's trying to be honest w/you about what is going on w/him. You'll need to detach a bit more and continue to treat him as you would a friend. If you become emotionally involved w/him during this time, his roller coaster will drag you down to the bottom w/him. You can be there to listen and support him, but keep your expectations at zero. It sounds like he's starting to question himself, his life and what he has done and continues to do. This is a good step in the right direction...but he's still go a ways to go and no one knows what he will decide to do.
Please be careful...try to remember that you didn't break him, therefore, you can't fix him. He's got to do that all on his own. Keep your expectations at zero and continue moving forward. If he wants to be a part of your life again, he will find a way to catch up, earn your trust and respect once again.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I am pretty much at an all time low. I came back to NZ to help my sons out who were in a mess. I took on a flat and found a job so I could make sure s18 was safe and stayed in college. Now all that is gone, I feel a failure that I could not get s18 to stay the course, but happy with myself that I recognized that he needed more help than I could give him and took action.
This leaves me with a flat I can't afford, a job I don't like in an area I don't want to live in, with only a couple of friends here. I know that the answer staring me in the face is to Move, but I feel its not that simple.
I have no family to lean on, my friends are dotted around the country and whilst very dear to me and supportive, I appreciate they have their own lives and families. My family is all but gone now, my brother and father no longer have contact with me, I have tried on a few occasions since returning to NZ and neither reply.
I feel absolutely alone in the world right now, I feel extremely lost. If I move near to my sons then I am moving near h and that may not be a good thing to do right now. I have thought of taking time out to travel a bit, but really can't afford it and saving is impossible now I am paying for everything on the flat by myself. Moving means I am taking on a yr lease and am I really wanting to commit to that, plus it means trying to find a job again and I was not exactly inundated with offers the last time - 1 !!
I think that when h came out of the woodwork and he started talking reconciliation I started to feel happy that MY family was being put back together. I am of course happy for him that he now recognises that he is going through something, needs help and is doing so, he sounds like he really hates who he has become and genuinely wants this to stop. I will always have that hope that what he currently feels for me is real and it stays with him through this process.
I know I need to kick start my own life again and keep it going forward. I don't think its stood still, even with this it moves forward, just in a different way. H knows I want to move, he knows I need to change things in my world, but I really don't know what is the best thing to do anymore. Like I said, I am lost and alone.
Lou - get a roommate to share the apartment and expenses. Look at the Mr Money Mustache website for ideas on how to trim your expenses so that you can start a little savings. You're wise not to tie yourself down to a longer lease at present. Take some time to build up a little nest egg, then you can decide where to go in the future.
I feel your pain about S18, but he IS an adult, and sometimes they have to make their own mistakes before they can grow up. All 3 of mine struggled after the divorce, but they are finally getting things together a few years later.
I'm sorry to hear about your father and brother - why don't they respond to you? When did your troubles with those relationships begin? Do you have cousins or aunts/uncles you could reach out to instead? Sometimes family iS a comfort, but then again, sometimes it's the friends you make that are LIKE family that really become your family over time.
As for your H - I think you're handling your interactions with him well, although I would have left him wondering a bit about his question about whether you had been with anybody. He doesn't need to know you're trusty Plan B, always waiting. It's be good for him to have to worry a bit about the possibility of you dating. Maybe next time he calls, cut it short, saying you have to get ready to go out dancing with your girlfriend. That'll make him think.
Also - be aware, this may only be a brief moment with your H. He might pop right back into his tunnel, or decide it's better to move on to casual sex with young tramps. Don't let him derail you from keeping the focus on YOUR life. If he's sincerely coming back, HE'LL do the work to make that happen.
Lou - get a roommate to share the apartment and expenses. Look at the Mr Money Mustache website for ideas on how to trim your expenses so that you can start a little savings. You're wise not to tie yourself down to a longer lease at present. Take some time to build up a little nest egg, then you can decide where to go in the future.
I don't really want to get a room mate as I don't intend to be here much longer so it would not be fair on them. I am pretty much down to the bare minimum of everything, even don't have much furniture as we could not afford it. My bills are low as I am at work most of the time, I dont even put the heating on!
Originally Posted By: kml
I'm sorry to hear about your father and brother - why don't they respond to you? When did your troubles with those relationships begin? Do you have cousins or aunts/uncles you could reach out to instead? Sometimes family iS a comfort, but then again, sometimes it's the friends you make that are LIKE family that really become your family over time.
My father can't be bothered with me, I am the girl and he is all about his son, the one who looks after (lives off) his business so that he can live abroad. My brother; we fell out when I went to the UK to stay for a while to get over h, his psycho partner ripped shreds out of me verbally and threw me out, he just stood by and watched, he is completely afraid of her, in the end he asked me to apologize, I did nothing wrong so said no, and he has not spoken to me since. The village we lived in backed me up and helped me out, saying she is crazy. I don't have contact with any other family, they are an odd bunch my family, its of no loss to me I assure you !! Yes my girlfriends are fabulous, I could not have made it through as far as I have without them, I am humbled to have them in my life. Unfortunately most of them are in the UK and the NZ ones are now scattered around, I do make friends easily and have a couple of good ones here, but not "true" girlfriends who I would remain in contact with when I move. Thank goodness for skype and internet !! I don't talk about h much, they are all of the opinion that he is the devil and I should go find someone else who deserves me lol.
Originally Posted By: kml
As for your H - I think you're handling your interactions with him well, although I would have left him wondering a bit about his question about whether you had been with anybody. He doesn't need to know you're trusty Plan B, always waiting. It's be good for him to have to worry a bit about the possibility of you dating. Maybe next time he calls, cut it short, saying you have to get ready to go out dancing with your girlfriend. That'll make him think.
Also - be aware, this may only be a brief moment with your H. He might pop right back into his tunnel, or decide it's better to move on to casual sex with young tramps. Don't let him derail you from keeping the focus on YOUR life. If he's sincerely coming back, HE'LL do the work to make that happen
Last week h and I were talking about honesty and building trust again, we agreed on full disclosure - anything I want to know he will tell me, no matter if he thinks it will hurt me or cause me to walk away, and the same goes for him. He has been as much as I can tell honest with everything so far, even adding things in that I never asked about. He has asked me several things and I have been honest with him, it goes both ways. Some of the things he has told me has stung and I have tried to remain detached from it and not dwell on it, knowing that he is seriously messed up (admitted to by himself), he does not recognise the person he is and hates himself right now. He knows I go out, he also goes out, tonight he took her kids (and most likely her) to see Minions at the movies, he gave the information freely, he said he really wanted to see the movie but felt weird, an old man going to a kids movie - dodgy ha ha, so he borrowed her kids. I know about it, he is free to do as he pleases, including hooking up with randoms, but if he does that and I find out then its bye bye Lou. He knows this and that is why he is working with the shrink to find out why this has happened and hopefully cease the crazy thoughts and needs. He does want me back but is afraid that its not real, its the crisis talking, so as it stands we are a only a possible.
I am very aware that this has to come from him, he is scared of everything right now and keeps looking to me for stability, I know that I am possibly his safety person and that is what is keeping us both from going any further. He is working with a shrink to unravel this mess, it will take time and he has asked me repeatedly to protect myself from him, to keep moving along with my own life. I am trying hard to carry on when I have no clue as to what to do next in my own journey, I seem to be at a point of "nothingness". No ideas are coming forth right now. I know they will, they always do.
