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phunguy Offline OP
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It's really hard some days. Today is a hard one. Some days I can rally a positive attitude and be strong see good and be the 180 machine I am! Others like today I'm self loathing and not happy.

I've not been able to exercise lately cause I hurt my knee, tire blew out on my mtn bike I crashed pretty good and am going for X-ray tomorrow. Hopefully it's not broke or really hurt.

I go back and forth in this grief, I want to and have forgiven her to some degree just for my own sanity it was eating me alive. I want to R but she doesn't. So here I am looking at D and some days it's what I want and others I just want to not believe it. It seems silly when I think about it but the mind is powerful in protecting the self from pain.

I'll go read that thread Zues.

Thanks guys sometimes just writing this stuff out is all I need to deal with my over analytic brain.


Me 41 Wife 38
T20 M13
S8 D3
Bomb 1/26/15
A confirmed 2/19/15
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hey, thought i'd return the visit. I am sus right now that my W is in the midst of concurrent As. but that is just speculation. i dont want to waste time on seriously considering how i would sit with that. I have made it clear to a few close friends that i would be willing to consider reconciling even after knowing about the 1 A.

Sometimes I think.... Nah, it just aint worth it. There were things that we could trivially work on - and if we had've done that a year ago we would probably be M still today. But who knows, this might have come up again down the track.

Given what I have learnt about me, AND that I would almost certainly NOT have learnt these things unless this happened - there is a good chance it would have. Then again, there are some things that are just a part of who she WAS, at least who she was with me. I suspect she was never in love with me the way I was with her. And that is not something that we can work on. So maybe it is for the best just to let her go, as much as it hurts.

Recently, as a result of other people clicking that I am still open to saving the M, I have thought about what reconciliation would really entail. Day to day. Also reading Sandi's advice on what the H SHOULD demand as conditions. I really can't see her doing a 180 of this magnitude to LET me back into her life. I mean this person who resents the hell out of me, has no respect for me, is going to do this. On top of my gut feeling that she never really loved me passionately, head-over-heels, like a lover, etc.

I took care of her. She needed that and when it first came up a few years into our relationship, thats when I put the reigns on her. I kept doing more and more to take care of her, expecting her to do her part, and return my love. Then it became clear and open that I wasn't a priority for her in this regard and I flipped. I started demanding that she respond the way I wanted, and when she didn't I got angry, or rather resented her for it.

This continued for a few years, and honestly I treated her like s**t. She tried a few things to save us, but I was too far gone, and without a BOMB being dropped on my head, I was not about to wake up. Well, here we are!

This was the way things played out. I wish I had've responded differently than I did. That is one of the things I can work on now. I wish she had've done things differently too. But I couldn't fix that then, and I sure as hell cant fix it now. It kills me that my kids will most likely have to live with D. But again, I can't fix that. I can't control that. Neither can she. Only the two of us can try. The best I can do, and you, and everyone else here I suspect is to learn and grow into the best people we can be, that respond and communicate well and hopefully avoid this pain ever again.

The next R may even be with my STBX. That would be great in so many ways. But in any future R, or even on my own - there is no other smart way forward. I'm surprised I haven't read it on here as it is a common "mantra"-

God grant me the courage to change the things I can, the patience to endure the things I can't, and the wisdom to know the difference.


M: 6 T: 12
Kids: 2,4
BD: Jan 2015 S: Feb 2015
EA/PA confirmed: Feb2015/Mar2015
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phunguy Offline OP
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Pyrite, you and I have many similarities to our stiches. And I am and was right there with you on the bomb it was a wake up call as I just went about doing everything for her and our M. I agree on the R thing, I want to move on and I want to R but I have to tell you on a day like today when I'm feeling better and controlling my emotions and staying positive, it doesn't look attractive to me in least!


Me 41 Wife 38
T20 M13
S8 D3
Bomb 1/26/15
A confirmed 2/19/15
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