Hey, Barry, I saw your post on my thread and I wanted to come here and see what you're grappling with. Sotto nailed it, but I did want to share a little of my own experience.
The VERY BEST THING I did for myself this year was a trip to Paris. (I'm in the US, going to France is a big deal) I was completely terrified and kind of resistant to it, but when I actually got there and decided to just make it AWESOME, it was amazing, and I surprised myself with how great it was. Truly life changing. So pull out your bucket list -- or make one if you haven't yet -- and plan something that is just for you. Better still if it's something your X would never have done or would have done only grudgingly.
Anti-depressants: I hyper-respond to medication, so I never was on a prescription AD. St. John's Wort did enough for me. I took them faithfully during the year that the marriage was coming apart. At some point towards the end the bottle ran out and I didn't get around to replacing it right away. I had the chance to notice I was doing all right, so I let it go for several months. Then I hit a rough patch and had to go back on it again for a few weeks. Keep self-monitoring. If what you're taking is not working for you, go back to your doctor and get the prescription adjusted, or turn to the St, John's Wort.
Letting go of resentment and bitterness has been an act of will. I've had to work to magnify the good in my life and distance the frustrations related to Mr. Fantastic. His life is his. His bad choices no longer reflect on me. That is a good thing! He didn't value me the way so many other people in my life value me? That's fine -- now I have more time for the people who really care about me. And I count who they are. And I rely on them reminding me when I'm not meeting my own goals for myself.
I see you have a really short timeline in your signature line. Have you seen mine? I'm almost 2 1/2 years out from BD. A little more than a year and a half since he moved out. The divorce was final in September. I've had a LOT of time to process it all. Be gentle with yourself. This stuff is hard! Take time to feel what you feel and cry when you need to. Be angry and find some outlets for that anger. Do something new. Get to know your new situation and try to find the positives in it. Challenge yourself.
BE GRATEFUL. It will take practice. If you can only be grateful for the cool side of the pillow, then be grateful for that till you can find something bigger. But the more things you find to be grateful for, the easier it will become to find that you are happy in your core even if you don't like your circumstances. Those things can be separate until they come together.
Don't date. I started just very recently because I felt like FOR ME, it was needed in order to restore some of my better qualities, and as a form of self-care. When it doesn't make sense to put it off anymore, then you'll know you're ready to take that on too. Just remember, when you do, that there is another person involved, and you want to be able to be kind and engaged with that person, to grow from your acquaintance together (whether it's brief or long), and to be considerate of her feelings.
The biggest thing I hope you remember, though, is to be kind to yourself and don't try to put any artificial timeline on your healing. Feel what you feel, express it in healthy ways, and keep moving forward in gratitude.
Hugs, Barry, and I'm sorry you're here.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
Barry! I'm glad you're back. I always want to hear what's up with you, even though you're going through rough times. I hope you find here people and sayings that will help you.
I hope you'll start a new thread real soon because I'd like to continue interacting with you. In the meantime, I'll share with you an epiphany that I had this week. It's no different from things that are often mention around here, perhaps just a new angle for me.
I'm dating, as you know, and these days I'm not hearing much from a woman I like maybe a bit more than the previous ones. I've realized that my reaction is a (very) light version of what I had when WW walked out on me. You know what that means?
The monster is in me.
I cling to the idea that WW put me in this awful position, did this to me, made me miserable by leaving and the way she did it. But now I realize that I have similar reactions with other women. It's not them who are doing it to me, it's me who is reacting a certain way to a romantic disappointment.
In a similar line of thinking, I've had friends who D'ed around me and none of them have had such a strong reaction as me. One of them met a new woman two months later and is still with her, and happy, some 8 years later. Another one didn't protest much even though he didn't want to D. This always struck me as odd, but also made me realize that the misery I was in was my reaction to the situation.
Yet another angle on this: My IC observed that my marriage was a "problem solved" for me, i.e. that since I had found a good mate, I didn't have to confront my fears of having to find someone. It made me realize that for some guys, D would be good news. They'd be free to date, sleep around, meet up with friends, arrange the house to their liking, etc. I know it's not good news for you and me, but we gotta realize that this is also our take on it. That there is another way.
So I'm saying that this monster that's making you miserable is in you. It is not your WAW.
And cut the cr@p on "no one will ever love me". You know who else isn't ready to share its intimacy and life with you? Kate Middleton, Emma Watson, Ryan Gosling and nearly 7 billion people more. Same for all of us. Just because a couple of people you know do not want to be with you doesn't mean you can't be loved. Dating is about matching, matching is just finding things that fit together. Rejection is being told you're not a match. You need to know it early and move on to find a true match. So keep wandering in the world, meeting people and testing mutual attraction. Some will want you for one night, and a tiny minority will want you for a long, long time.
Your wallowing about "I never did anything to hurt my XW, all I ever did do was love her and want us to be together" makes me think that you were in extreme emotional distress when you wrote your update. I'm very sorry about that and I relate to your pain. But we both know that's not true. We've been over this and you've confessed of your shortcomings in your M. Everyone has had failings in their M. No need to beat yourself up again, but this victimization is making you miserable. Only you.
Come on, open that new thread and please find another positive title for it because it will follow you for months!
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
^^ that was something about myself I learned earlier in the year also. I know the thread is over 100 posts but wanted to share the similarities. Most of my M I looked at finding W as being lucky also. I never had to deal with the dating scene and breakups. I found the woman I would spend the rest of my life early and avoided many things. I basically seen the M as a problem solved also.. The issue was I then became comfortable thinking because I found her I would always have her. I did the work to gain her love but I didnt do the work to keep it.
The problem was already solved so there was no need to work on it anymore(not really work anyways). Hindsight.....
