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Maybell #2550448 03/24/15 01:54 AM
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Originally Posted By: Maybell

BTW, Betsey, yes, I would be nicer to the lady who accidentally let her shopping cart hit my car. I'd be very gracious, if she were apologetic. But if she did it on purpose because I drive a minivan rather than a sports car, then no, I'd speak out. To me, that is the difference.


There's always "Towanda!!"....just sayin'. grin

Wonka #2550450 03/24/15 01:55 AM
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YES!!!! I need to watch that movie again!


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
Maybell #2550475 03/24/15 03:37 AM
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OK, first of all, I'm really sorry to hear about the lice. I haven't had to deal with it as a mom, but we had a lice infection in my FOO house when I was 14. It was ugly. Then there's my moment in the spotlight. I struggled with sensory issues when I was younger... so when my mom came into the bathroom to explain to me how to scrub, I saw some down in the Netherlands and fainted in the tub. The problem with me fainting is that I wind up going into convulsions. It took my whole family to hold me down. My naked self. It was awful. But looking back, it was my mom who got the crappiest job. I'm so sorry.

So, let's get down to brass tacks, shall we? Did you save me some dinner? I'm hungry.

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And also, I'm really terrified of being there. Does it mean he and I are really, truly over if I actually get indifferent? Maybe that's it.


I was going to try to be a little more breezy to add some levity, but figured you probably need some authenticity from me about now. Yes, THAT marriage between you is dead. It is not ever going to be resurrected. It does not mean that in the future you won't see things differently. But that marriage is over. Oh, look! Look down, MB... the floor did not drop out from under you and the sky hasn't fallen! Here's the thing. Being an observer and detached from the outcome doesn't mean that the outcome isn't what it is. Does this make sense? The elephant is in the living room, sweetie, whether or not anyone wants to admit that.

The housing situation is for sure a stressor. Be nice to yourself. And those around you. Since I know the fear monster pretty well, and also suffer from anxiety, I can relate to this in a big way. When these things start to spiral out of control in my head, I ask myself, "Okay, so what's the worst that could happen?" The Eyeore in me says, "You and the girls could wind up living in a cardboard box." Then self says to that, "Pish posh. You've lived on nothing before. Have you ever lived out of your car or in a box?" Eyeore says, "Well, no." Self says, "Ok then. Let's take it one day at a time. What can you do about this today?" Eyeore identifies some tasks, and Self says, "Ok, so what's stopping you?"

Recognize that little Maybell is scared and needs to be reassured it's gonna be okay. Big Maybell is definitely up to that. She's a good mom and they believe her when she says it will all work out. Right? So make sure that you corral little Maybell as well. Give that little kid in you a voice. Have you ever done this exercise? I think it might be in one of the Feel the Fear books? It seems kind of neurotic, but when we get scared we go into that fight or flight mode and we revert back to the time in life when we felt that need.

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You have to understand that in the last several years most of our conversations were about movies and television. He stopped reading during the years we were happy together and he never wanted to hear about the books I was reading. Then he decided to make it a personal goal to read 100 books in a year. Do you know how focused you have to be to read 100 books in a year?


OK, so he's a weird one. BTW, I can blow that 100 books a year out.of.the.water. Amazon frickin' loves me. So tell me what's wrong with having playground conversation at this point? Then ask him to leave when you need to force a transition. You know you can do that light and breezy, right? It doesn't have to be biatchy. "Hey, thanks for dropping them off. I really need to get dinner started/wash my hair/floss my teeth/pick my nose." Whatever you want to say to let him know it's time to disengage.

If your emotions are raw, it's time to take a step back and amp up the self care. Pizza and movie nights. Dessert before dinner nights (yeah, my girls LOVED that night and still do). Appetizer nights. Kids plan the menu nights. Breakfast for dinner nights. Build chair forts and read to each other with flashlights or tell stories. Take a walk, if it's nice enough to get out there. Call your BFF from college. Talk only about things that make you both laugh. Go do the pottery place and create some stuff with your kids. Manicure and pedicure with a cute design on your big toes. Schedule a day trip to the hot springs. Schedule some time for smiles, Maybell. Whatever shape and form that takes.

OK, now time for the juicy stuff.

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Yes. I feel very judged. Mostly by my parents. In the past whenever I needed help from them it wasn't long before my mother would mock me for needing them. I am kind of holding my breath for the day when she says something like "You couldn't even keep your marriage together" in a contemptuous tone of voice. She will. She has before.


Let's return to the broken filter thought for a second. Tell me something. What makes your mom or your H the authorities on Maybell? This sounds like a Maybell who keeps reading the role that others have cast her in. When does Maybell get to say to herself, "I hate that fricking play, and I hate that fricking role they keep wanting me to play. So I'm not doing it anymore. From now on, I choose my own roles. What they think doesn't matter, because I'm the authority on me, and only I can be the boss of me. So there."

Just because she says you're a failure does not make it true. Repeat after me. What they say isn't my truth.

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And I'm scared he's the best I could do and it's all downhill from here. Or that I'll find someone to love and it will be so complicated and messy blending our families that it won't work.


Please know I'm sitting here snickering. Until you came along, I thought I was the only person who had these types of imaginary scenarios with imaginary pitfalls. It's self defeating and I can tell you from experience, the worst case scenario rarely happens. If at all.

FTR, we got a diagnosis on my D18 shortly before she turned 3. Even without the Dx, the truth was that she didn't walk until she was 2 and she still didn't babble or verbalize. The moment I got that Dx, I crumpled to the floor of my bathroom. (Story for another day. Or maybe it's somewhere in the annals of my old threads.) I was without hope and despondent, because her Dx became what would define her from that point forward. Or so I thought.

Then someone smart approached me and kindly suggested I live every day in the moment. This person told me to celebrate the joys that came in a 24 hour period and to avoid looking too far ahead because things would be different when I got down the road a bit. When she was 3, I was deathly afraid of what our lives would look like when she turned 18. Maybell, I was freaking out about her being an adult disabled person at the age of 3! WTF? I think it took one or 2 more people in the know to convince me to live each day as it came. To put the blinders on when I was tempted to get too far ahead of myself.

Here I am, and my D18 made it this far. So did I! Okay, so she didn't outgrow her seizures like we thought she might. She's still nonverbal. But she can do lots of things that I never imagined she'd ever do. Like sleep the night through. Like do things that require multiple steps in a task (she is in charge of the faculty coffee bar at school and LOVES making coffee!). Like have a cadre of people believe in her ability to do things that other typical people do. But the one thing that is her hidden jewel and the best gift someone could ever give me? Every day is a clean slate with her and she doesn't hold a grudge. Ever. She genuinely cares about the feelings of others. How could I ever want her to be someone else?

What I'm trying to say is to resist the temptation to live in the land of what if. Sure, prepare for the worst and hope for the best. But don't live in the trap of thinking the sky will have to fall sometime. Here's the kicker. I was the person in the crowd who always thought I always got the fuzzy end of the lollipop. (Lollipop for anyone who can tell me the movie with that quote.) The thing is that because I believed that, it was generally true. Why? Because what I focus on expands. It was a real struggle to change my filter. The new filter says, "There is nothing that I can't handle. But it always turns out fine because I'm smart and capable and handle things well when everyone needs a champion." It's empowering. And guess what? That's even more true.

Leave Eyeore in the book with your kids where he belongs. Pooh and Piglet are better role models.

Now for the final observation:

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I did want to apologize to him last night but I don't know how to find the right balance with him without it getting too personal for either one of us.


You're making this seem like brain surgery when it's not. "Hey, H. Last night I was really grumpy and you were caught in the crossfire. I'm really sorry about that and promise to do better in the future."

Whether or not he accepts your apology matters not. It's whether or not you are sincere and authentic - as your commitment to yourself. As I told my D21 today (who was struggling with a conversation with someone that got weird and out of hand and she was asking for advice on how to communicate clearly without becoming defensive or even offensive), "Say what you mean and mean what you say."

It really is as simple as that. Be authentic. What "they" say or think doesn't matter AT.ALL when you're being the person you want to be.

Late night hugs for being a trouper.


"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."

Albert Einstein
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