And she finally pops in-- cheery, and full of smiles. Just passing through to grab a few things on her way from being with OM to meeting with OM. She doesn't bat an eye at the new setup. In fact, she sincerely thanks me for moving all her stuff.
So the critical factor in what I do next depends on how effectively I can detach and stay detached. If I can successfully ignore W, and focus on my job search, then there's no reason to change anything in the near future. But if I keep experiencing these intrusive ruminating thoughts, that physically wear me out from the stress they produce, then I might as well get on with D. I have critical job-related meetings in the next two weeks which require much preparation and a strong focus. If I can't stop fixating on what could happen next with MR then I've got to eliminate the uncertainty and end it.
But if I keep experiencing these intrusive ruminating thoughts, that physically wear me out from the stress they produce, then I might as well get on with D.
I don't think getting on with D is the best way to deal with these intrusive thoughts. You are taking external steps to try and manage an internal process. Probably your intrusive thoughts about your currents sitch would just be replaced with new intrusive thoughts about the D process.
You may want to work on your own ability to manage the intrusive thoughts better. Many on this forum have found the Headspace meditation app to be helpful for example.
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Oh! Golly, yes, of course you're right. And I should've known that. Rule One of ruminative thoughts is that you don't act on the thoughts-- you act to stanch the anxiety that enlivens the thoughts. I guess that even now I'm not really thinking straight. (Quelle surprise.)
I sometimes have success writing the thoughts out-- that way they may become "fixed" and I don't have to revisit them over and over again in my mind. Perhaps I'll spend some time doing that.
meditation, journaling, ring someone, pop out and do something, get out for a walk, put music on, do housework...
I think anything that interrupts the flow, and takes you in a different direction can help. This is also why GAL is so important. It's great to have a couple of hours where you hardly think of your sitch...
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
I haven't been able to avoid rumination. But your post reminded me to focus on my feelings instead of my thoughts-- and I feel awful! Constantly. W has spent three of the last three nights overnight at OM's apartment.
We had agreed in MC not to discuss D for two months because I wanted to be able to focus on my job hunt and forget (for a while) that the A was happening. But W has made that impossible-- not by her staying away, actually, but by doing so while coming home occasionally and maintaining a presence here. It would be easier if she were just gone.
I'm not going to guess whether filing the D papers is successful DB "tough love" or unsuccessful DB because I'm not letting her do what she wants. What I do know is that allowing her to have an unrestricted A right in front of my face has put me in a state of constant, heightened anxiety. I also know, therefore, that filing for D is acting on my feelings. However, when I think about it rationally, I realize that it will be a long, long time before she feels any regret (much less remorse) for her actions. And I don't want to continue living with this awful feeling while I wait it out, because of how destructive it is to my ability to function on a daily basis.
So tomorrow I will verify that I have all the forms ready to file and steps ready to take, and then the next day I will use the MC session to initiate the division of assets and D filing.
