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#2543641 03/02/15 01:11 AM
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ambiti Offline OP
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Hi. Kind of new here. H up and left me about 2years ago. To hear him tell it we separated BC I was not attentive. I think he left for another woman. He did eventually have a short relationship with this woman but he swears he only pursued her after deciding to leave. We reconciled after about 4months. Now, he confessed to having a one night stand a couple months ago. Says its someone he met randomly and hasn't had contact with since. Right off the bat I want out, done. But I find myself wavering bad. I am not a very good wife. I have definitely thrown myself into my work and children, mostly so he couldnt do more damage, however, i never would have left him or done anything like cheat and I have tried to connect with him onlynto be turned down. We dont have a lot in common but we both want the same things in life and want to do the right thing. The actual act barely even hurts. I'm just having a hard time deciding to stay or go. I want to stay BC I see our potential and of course for our children but this was his second offense and if he can't control himself from a random woman who walked in to his workplace what's to say he won't continue? What do I do?

ambiti #2544267 03/03/15 10:17 PM
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Quote:
He did eventually have a short relationship with this woman but he swears he only pursued her after deciding to leave.


This is a lie. 99% certain. Women sometimes leave first and have affairs after, but men almost ALWAYS leave to be with another woman.

Quote:
Now, he confessed to having a one night stand a couple months ago.


Did he confess spontaneously because he felt so guilty, or after you found him out? If it was after you found out, likely it was more than a one night stand - or he has been having multiple one night stands.

Has he ever gone to marriage counseling with you? Would he go? Does he have a drug or drinking problem?

How long have you been married and how old are your kids?

My ex had an affair after 16 years of marriage - we reconciled and had a few more good years but then he went into a serious midlife crisis and left again after 24 years. (In retrospect, I think there may have been more going on during our marriage that I was just too trusting to see.)

I do think that once that door has been opened, for some men it's just too easy to cheat again. It would take SERIOUS work in counseling for him to get to the root of his problem and become the husband you deserve. If he's willing to do that, fine, you can work on the marriage and at least you will have peace that you did everything you could. But if he's not committed to doing that, owning his bad behavior and showing you his sincere resolve - don't waste your time.

Also - before you do ANYthing - consult with a lawyer and find out your rights. You may find that it is financially advantageous for you to do certain things or wait a certain time (for instance, if you've been married 9 1/2 years, you may as well keep quiet for another 6 mos until it's ten years so that in retirement you can claim social security benefits based on his income if needed.)

I'm sorry, but surely you can see that at this point, this is not really about you and your failings (although we all have them and need to work on them) but about HIS issues with infidelity.

kml #2544575 03/04/15 05:52 PM
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Welcome to the board

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/
http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm

Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.

It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!

Get out and Get a Life (GAL).

DETACH.


Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:

I would start with the going dark link.
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095

Sandi's Rules: A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2380415&page=1

Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414

Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
(http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2534754&page=1).

Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096

Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2183063&fpart=1

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619

Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon


Me-70, D37,S36

Moderated by  Michele Weiner-Davis 

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