First off, thank you anyone who takes the time to read this. I've read several posts here, and I know you guys want me to keep my first post short, so I'll try to do so, even though I know it'll be difficult. I ordered a copy of DB off of amazon and it should be here in the next couple of weeks, but unfortunately I haven't had a chance to read any of the books yet.
My W and I have been married for close to 10 years now. About 6 mo ago, the W told me she needed time alone and kicked me out. I didn't have a choice to stay because we were loosing our home because the landlord raised the rent quite a bit and we could no longer afford to live there. She told me she was moving in with our youngest son at her moms house, and my oldest (Who's biological mother passed away years ago) was going to stay with his biological grandma (both in the same area). She also changed her Facebook status to "Ask Me".
I've been dealing with some severe medical issues so had no job nor any source of income. I've been fighting with disability but it's a weird medical issue and apparently will take years if I see anything from my claim. I was not welcomed at either of my in-laws.
TBH, I have been severely depressed due to my medical issues and loss of job, so I did retreat into video games and ended up ignoring my family because I was so controlled by my depression. Apparently this led my oldest S16 to end up bonding with my wife and he no longer wants anything to do with me and he refused to come with me when my W kicked me out, and my W threatened me if I tried to take him (She never adopted him and has no legal right to him in any way).
Originally the separation wasn't supposed to last more than a few weeks (according to what the W said) however weeks turned into months and here I am 6 mo later. About a month after she kicked me out, she secretly got an apartment of her own and moved both of the kids into the apartment and even had them lie to me telling me that they were still living with their grandmas.
During this time the W and I had still been talking and she would tell me things like she was still trying to find us a place to move into and as soon as she did she'd move me back in and the only reason we couldn't' be together was because her Mom wouldn't' let me move in. I found out about the apartment back in December and she immediately changed her tune telling me she couldn't let me back in because she was afraid. She told me she didn't know WHAT she was afraid of (There is no history of physical violence. Sure we've both yelled at each other at times, but I've never struck my wife ever.).
I love my wife dearly, but I'm still getting mixed messages. On one hand she says she does NOT want a divorce, but she tells me she doesn't know what she wants. She only works 3 days a week, and lately on the days she has off, she "isn't in the mood to deal with me" but when she does work (She works graveyard 12 hour shifts) she wants me to be there for her so she can text me and have me help her stay awake.
I've made some changes on my own, I still have some significant restrictions on my working due to my medical issues, but was able to get a "job" delivering newspapers. It doesn't pay much, but I'm able to bring in a little bit. She says she's going to counseling, but I'm not sure as she has lied to me several times in the past so I have no way of knowing what she's telling me is the truth now.
I'm really worried that it's been 6 months and she still doesn't know why she doesn't want me to move in. Even after going through counseling. She's not threatening divorce, she's saying she's not interested in dating anyone (We've had a sex starved relationship for the last 8 years. She was the one that was never in the mood. Obviously a source of contention in our relationship). She just seems to be content in us living apart (Even though I'm literally having to mooch off of my cousin to survive) continuing on with the status quo. However the status quo involves me not getting to see my kids very often (maybe once or twice every couple of weeks) even though I've asked to.
I'm sure the DB book will have lots of advice, and I've read the 27 rules post, and I'm trying to implement that at the moment. Because I've seen a lot of negative things I'm doing (crying a lot and letting her see me depressed, begging, the works...) that I'm doing my best to change. I'm just hoping for some additional advice until I get the book because it's going to take 1-2 weeks to get here. I would LOVE to get a phone session, but I don't have the money to afford that.
I know one of the "advise" will be to GAL... and I would like some clarification on that. I have NEVER been one to make friends easily, even going back to high school. I don't drink, so I don't really go out to places where there are a lot of people. Nor do I have money to pick up a hobby. I have no friends, other than a couple of "Facebook" friends who only contact me when they need me to fix their computer or something... Any advise would be much appreciated.
Sorry for the long post but I just couldn't see how to give a background post any shorter.
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
I'm sorry about your sitch (in Newcomer's you will find a posting about abbreviations, which is another "must" read. Tell us more details about you - how old you both are, you mentioned that you have a s16, do you have any other children?
You mentioned that you have a tough time making friends. Why is this? And everyone needs friends, how do you think you can meet and make more friends?
You have my best wishes that you grow into a healthier person through this, whatever the outcome. Keep posting, and GAL.
I'm 37, my wife is 34. I have a 16 year old from a previous marriage (who's mother passed away several years ago from cancer) and a 8 year old son from my current marriage. He has Cystic Fibrosis and requires pretty detailed medical care.
I find that I have a hard time making friends because I don't have a lot in common with a lot of people. I tend to be very logical and have a hard time communicating with many people because I guess I just think on a different wavelength. Not better, just different. Computers I get. I understand them. People I don't. Even when I was holding down a job (which I had done for almost 10 years straight) everyone I worked with seemed so much more immature and I didn't' find their humor funny, nor did I want to do the things they wanted to do.
I wish I knew how to meet/make more friends. I've been trying for the better part of my 37 years.
