Need some advice please

[Joe46]

Things are getting more interesting. My stepson is now coming to stay with us for awhile because he can't live with his brother anymore. He is 19. We now have a smaller house than before. I am wondering how my wife is going to deal with all this and the lies she is going to have to tell her son. She will have to explain why she is sleeping in a separate room(which she will lie about). She will also have to work harder at hiding her job and what she does during the day until he goes to work. The bathroom is right next to her office so he could very easily hear her on one of her work calls. She is acting kinda stressed today. I was not a jerk at lunch, but I also was not my normal sweet and loving self that I have been lately. A little reality is going to set in once my stepson comes to visit and my step daughter and her boyfriend are coming down next weekend.

[sandi2]

I am trying to figure out how to say this without it sounding judgmental. This is certainly a most serious problem here. Do you suspect that your W has conducted this type of lifestyle before you met her? I called it a lifestyle b/c this is not just a job. Don't get mad when I say this, but being very honest, isn't what she's doing verbal prostitution? Anytime a person has to hide their job or keep it a secret from their grown children b/c of the immoral nature involved....then there is something going on deep inside her. And even if that conduct did not compromise her own values/principles, it has now crossed the line in her M. It has gone too far, even in the sense of it being "just a job" like she claims it is. She has put it before her M, and before family. What mentally healthy spouse wouldn't have a problem with what it entails? and now when you tell her you don't like it, she won't give it up. I don't buy any of the reasons she gives you. None!

If this was nothing but a job to her, why would it be necessary for her to have a separate bedroom and completely stop having sex with her H? Joe, it is not money that is motivating her actions. It is not b/c she wants to have her own job, truck, etc. This "job" has taken over her life! You can see it, right?

It is serious! And these things you've pointed to yourself and said you should have been better? It doesn't justify this conduct she has chosen to participate in, I say that not to keep score between you. I just don't think you should take the fall for her decision to be a sex phone operator. Now, it has run over into other email accounts, other phone accounts, and all the free time she wants......and labels it "the job".
I am so sorry for all of you. No good can come from this.

I shoot straight from the hip, so I am going to tell you that I don't believe the perfect H could pull her out of this, b/c I don't believe that is what led her into it. Did you ever have occasion to check out her online activity before this job ever started? could you have done better? Sure, we all could say that about ourselves. She chose this line of work, and I think she is/was already addicted. And that is how this will need to be dealt with.

[Joe46]

This is exactly why I was hoping you might help me with some advice. I agree with everything you have said. I wish I understood about doing the quotes and then I would answer each of the things you talked about.

I know she has not been in this kind of work before. She was actually kind of shy about sexual things when we met. It took awhile to get her into talking dirty with me.

Yes I believe that this job has crossed the line in many ways. If she came to me and said that my job is immoral and it hurts her what I am doing, I would stop immediately! I really feel deep down that she is having a hard time with her self esteem right now and she gets a rush pretending to be these girls. The dishonesty that is going on is crazy! Yes this thing has taken over her life. She hardly does anything around the house. Hardly does things with the kids. She has just recently started getting better at that.

I don't know who this person is now. I am really scared for my kids. ALL of them. I have raised her kids from her previous marriage and now we have 2 of our own. But I am getting to the point where this has to end. I am getting to it being a decision of me or the job!!

I thank you so much for helping with my problem. I want someone that shoots straight, to listen and tell me what they think. I am tired of living this way!!

[mahhhty]

Joe,
Does she want to leave? Or does she want to be in a relationship with you?

[Joe46]

I have asked her that a few times. As a matter of fact, the last disagreement we had, I asked her. I told her that every time I confront her about this job, she says she is sick of me bringing it up and she just can't deal with it anymore. So last time we talked I flat out asked her if she wants to leave. She said she does not. She loves her kids and likes this house. We also had a very calm talk last week and I asked her the same question. She said she admits that she has thought it might be easier if she was on her own. Mainly because she is tired of everything going fine for awhile and than after a few weeks, I bring up her job and how I am sick of her putting all her time into it and how I don't want to be in a marriage where my wife talks dirty on the phone to other men. She also really knows my feelings on cheating. When I found those emails from that online dating sites months ago, I told her I was done and it was time for her to go. She begged and pleaded and cried.

[Joe46]

So far my plan is to pray alot for God's to guide me. And I have detached! As detached as I can get living in the same house. I am not being mean, but I am acting happy, confident and staying busy. I do alot of house work. We live in a very small town. Nothing to do. So since we are separate rooms, I go downstairs alot. Tonight I disappeared downstairs and later she came down and saw I had my computer on the bed. She gave me a weird look and asked what I was doing. She is definitely acting different. I can always tell when she starts stressing. Her stomach gets upset. I did mention to her that she needs to think about what she is doing with that job if our 19 year old is coming to stay with us till he gets a place. If he over hears her on one of her calls, he won't take it well and it could get out what she does. That is a big concern of mine. Living in a small town.

[Joe46]

I have also decided I am going dark sort of. I really need time to think and also need to work on myself. So I am keeping a little distance right now. I REALLY need it. I am tired of waking up every morning thinking of this stuff. Trying to figure out where I went wrong. I just want peace for awhile. It felt good to me tonight! Tonight was one of her nights off. Usually on her night off she goes to bed early. My guess is to text someone, but whatever. Tonight I could care less. In our past relationship, I have done some things wrong. I acknowledged those the other night and will work on those things regardless of what happens. But I was NOT a horrible husband. And I DON'T deserve this kind of treatment. I was a husband that needed to learn a few things.

[Swabby]

I wish it were all me, but its copied from multiple sources, a compilation of good advice.

I'm still trying to live it daily as well.

But yes, i do agree its a good candidate for a sticky note, as it does resonate (with me anyway). I read it every few days to make sure i'm not letting myself fall into the victim trap, and to make sure i stick next to my morals and what i can deal with.

[Swabby]

That s the best thing you can do for your emotional, physical and mental state Joe. Get out, pick up a new hobby (i'm learning to play the guitar finally, and LOVING it). Little things that you're interested in will give you outlets you can pour yourself into. Each time you do it, you gain a little more of yourself, and it stops you from fixating and over-thinking things, plus it creates a healthy distance and intention that you're focusing on you, and she'll definitely notice the change when you're in the same house living together still.

Practice a little Carpe Diem, do something you've ALWAYS wanted to, but never did. It really does wonders for your mood and self esteem.