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Barry Offline OP
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Not a good evening yesterday. Cried for a long time. I hate this damn sitch so much.
I'm now constantly thinking about divorce when all I want to do is love my W, kiss her and hold her in my arms again.

I know it's very pessimistic but it's just not going to happen.
I'm so depressed about it.


Me 40 W 38
T 23 M 21
S21 S19 D16 S14
BD 19/12/2014
D mentioned 27/2/2015.
I filed 08/04/2015, D Absolute 04/11/2015
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Barry, I hear you, I really do. You need to start moving forward. Make some plans, make a life for yourself. Start living. I know it is hard, but the sooner you start planning your path ahead, the easier it will get. Take the focus off of your W, there is nothing to be gained by obsessing about her. She is gone to you and no amount of crying will get her back, no pleading will soften her heart. Take care of yourself, you matter, spend time with the kids, go do stuff together. Lough, walk, talk, smile, LIVE.

If you need to vent, we're right here for you buddy. You are not alone.

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Barry,

Regarding relationship and romance, Separation vs. Divorce are just semantics. If your wife wants to date someone else, she will regardless. If your wife wants back in the marriage, she will tell you regardless. Living separately, being legally separated or divorced will make no real difference in her behavior or choices. As they say here, "She's out to lunch."

Legally and financially speaking (and for your children's well-being too) there is a HUGE difference, from what you are telling me about UK law. You need to protect yourself NOW. You need to secure your home, your children's stability, etc. If a divorce is going to better accomplish that, DO IT NOW. Two years from now when your wife has a boyfriend and he's telling her to take YOU to the cleaners, your well-being will be compromised.

Getting a divorce means you are moving on. If you keep telling her you will come back crawling to her if she changes her mind, she'll always know you are the fallback option -- you are PLAN B. And if she knows that, she'll never really have to face the consequences of her actions. She'll also be able to play you in 2 year's time when she wants a more generous settlement.

I honestly think the best way to give your wife the space to process her actions and really think about losing you is to divorce her and set yourself up well. In addition, stop asking her if she really wants this, and stop telling her that you are a viable plan B in case her new single (and soon to be dating) life doesn't work out.

--Theoden




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Barry, give yourself permission to be sad. But don't stay there long.

Just wanted to drop by to "x 2" Theoden's post.

Remember that when we're in the thick of our sitches, we are thinking mostly with emotion. Theoden has given you words of wisdom rooted in logic and reason. It's easier for him/us to see things clearly because we are not emotionally invested in your sitch AND we've been where you are.

It's damn good advice.


M: 40 H: 44
Married 14 years
S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M
2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart
Piecing: April 2014
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Barry Offline OP
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Please help me guys, I'm in such a bad place right now. I hear all of your good advice, I really do. I know it already, because it's exactly what I'd be telling someone if I were reading another sitch. It's 12 weeks today since BD, and I don't feel any better about this though...I'm so tired guys. Tired of being attached to W.

I've been trying to GAL and keep a PMA. I've just had so much to do with sorting the finance issues out, studying up on divorce, spending time with the kids (I realise this is a good thing), and trying to keep a level head at work that the other things I've been doing have all fallen by the wayside. I haven't worked out for a couple of weeks, I've eaten poorly and slept terribly. These are all choices I've made obviously, I could have changed any of them.

I haven't wanted to because I've felt terrible about the fact that my W no longer loves me and that she's lost to me now. She's been part of my life for 22 years. My friend, my lover, my confidant...she's going to love and grow old with someone else now. She's the only girl I've ever loved, and I don't know how to switch it off. I know she has so I don't have a choice, it's move on or torture myself forever.

I've had NC with W for around a week, apart from one text about the kids arrangements if and when I'm able to take her up on this offer. She ignored it.
I slipped up again today though and text'd her asking for her to go for some food with me tonight. She replied a moment ago basically saying no, there's no point and she doesn't want to sit there pretending everything is ok.

I don't either. Everything is NOT ok, in fact everything's ruined now. The trouble is that I feel weak guys, I was just about to text W back begging her to not do this, professions of love, the works. All whilst in floods of tears.

I typed it out...then deleted it.
That's why I'm here, telling you, not her.

Barry.


Me 40 W 38
T 23 M 21
S21 S19 D16 S14
BD 19/12/2014
D mentioned 27/2/2015.
I filed 08/04/2015, D Absolute 04/11/2015
Joined: Feb 2015
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Sorry Barry,I know your struggling. I've had very similar feelings the last few days/weeks. It's not ok, everything isn't fine. It's like you can't believe this is really happening and you only keep strong at times hopeing things will work themselves out but then reality sets in and your just in complete disbelief. Like your in this nightmare that won't end. It's painful, the most painful thing we may ever experience. You don't have to switch it off, it will take time to heal from this, time you have to give yourself. The tiredness is something I've also experienced alot of the last week. Physically, mentally, emotionally. It's a new emotion for me also. It's been about 12 weeks for me as well so know this may just be part of the process we go through. I wish I could say something to help. Speaking to her won't help, I know that much now.

Try and exercise again, the boost you get will help some. It's important to eat and sleep also. Keep to the basics and take everything in small steps.


Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
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Han in there fellas, 12 weeks is still very fresh. Soon you will start the turn towards calmer waters. Give a month or 2 and you will start rising.

Barry, you gave get your focus of your W and onto yourself, STOP with the pursuing, you can clearly see it does you no good. Your wife is lost to you now, you might as well be talking to a brick wall. You have to let her go and start working on yourself. Start building your confidence up, start making your life a great story of success. Be the best dad in the world for your kids, become the great man that you always wanted to become. Be the role model for your kids. Make them proud. Start living your life today!

There will still be crappy days and lonely nights, but the will become fewer and fewer.

We're here for you...

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Barry Offline OP
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I feel a new thread coming....a positive one smile


Me 40 W 38
T 23 M 21
S21 S19 D16 S14
BD 19/12/2014
D mentioned 27/2/2015.
I filed 08/04/2015, D Absolute 04/11/2015
Joined: Jan 2015
Posts: 194
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Barry Offline OP
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Me 40 W 38
T 23 M 21
S21 S19 D16 S14
BD 19/12/2014
D mentioned 27/2/2015.
I filed 08/04/2015, D Absolute 04/11/2015
Joined: Jan 2015
Posts: 194
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Barry Offline OP
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Hello everyone, I have something to say, something I've not told the forum before. It's important but please don't judge me for it, it was a very long time ago. It had a big impact on me, my W and my M for a long time. As I reflect on how I find myself here, this is something that's had a profound effect on me all my life.

I cheated on my W when we'd been married for about a year.

This would be 20 years ago now. I don't even know why I did it. I prided myself on being someone who would never do that and I was very much in love with my W. I was such an a***hole.
I broke it off with OW. I was very attracted to her but I couldn't do it to my W any more. OW told me in the same phone call that she was pregnant.
She had a termination and I never saw her again.

About 6 months later, OW called my workplace one night (I worked shifts back then) to tell me she was going to tell my W as she felt I'd left her in the lurch and had got away with it (she was right, I had).

She'd found out where I lived and had been spying on the house. I told her there and then that I would tell my W rather than her hear it from an OW and she said she was going to tell her the next day.
I left work, went home and woke my wife at about 1:00am and told her everything. She was devastated and something died in her and in our M that day.

I left the house and slept in my car for a couple of days. I was so ashamed of myself. I had been for a long time, and I was almost glad I'd told her.
I called W a few days later and she said to come home.
We talked about it, and I answered every question she asked truthfully. We both cried, but she was so hurt by it. Anyway, she said she wanted me to stay and for us to work things out. She hadn't told anyone about it and she wanted it to stay that way. Our families still didn't know up to BD, although hers probably do now. Mine still don't.

I've never wanted to jeopardise my life that that again. I'm not a serial cheater and I've never even considered being intimate with anyone else in 20 years. I mean that.

It took a long time to gain her trust back but we were both determined to make it work. After a year and a half or so, she told me that she'd forgiven me but she'd never forget it. It affected me for years though, too many years. I let my W dominate me in a lot of ways because I walked on eggshells for most of our early marriage. I'd hurt the one I loved in the worst way possible and I was always trying to make amends even after she said she forgave me.

This went on in my head for so many years that it became engrained into my very being. It wasn't in the forefront of my mind all the time obviously but it became the norm that I'd always be the one to back down on everything. My W never apologised for anything in our M.

We went to Greece for a week on our 15th wedding anniversary and whilst we were there, something bought the topic up. I told my W that I still felt sorry for what I did back then, but that it had made me love her more when I realised what I was could have lost. She told me to let it go, that she never thought about it and only ever thought of me as a faithful husband. We ML that night and it was the best of our lives. In fact, those were the best years around that time.

I've never been able to forgive myself completely for it though. I always only ever wanted to please my wife and to make her happy. Over the years, I suffocated my W with love into becoming a WAW. It was her decision to go but I paved the way.

So here I am, about to be a divorced all because I couldn't forget the past.
As the saying goes, we reap what we sow.


Me 40 W 38
T 23 M 21
S21 S19 D16 S14
BD 19/12/2014
D mentioned 27/2/2015.
I filed 08/04/2015, D Absolute 04/11/2015
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