Hi Sandi2, Couple of thoughts . . . Not interested in open M although W had mentioned that when she first told me of A. My actions are telling W she gets to eat her cake. On S, no thoughts of conquering - just wanted to enjoy our flesh - many benefits incl. stress relief, health related and potentially could establish bond again. That said, have spoken with Coach re same and have decided probably not best cours of action. Will stop that as part of detach campaign. Unfortunately, AP is not a female (would of at least been somewhat more interesting). On females, I read a post under hurt06 from you and learned couple of interesting things (incl. that you are apparently a female yourself - I kinda envisioned a male due to your frequent allusions to b@lls). In any event. I am glad you seem to be doing better than you were previously. Hope you were able to cut down on the meds and perhaps go a more homeopathic route. So, I tried to set a boundary tonight, but did not seem to work as effectively as I had hoped. I told S5 to wait for D7 & D1.5 to have bath before his. Walked into bathroom a few minut s later and he was in with his sisters - W said no big deal. I agree not end of world yet, but we had talked previously about getting to be ripe age to separate girls from boys. I told her that I cannot effectively watch/supervise kids if W allows them to do what I told them they could not. W seemed to acknowledge issue. about an hours or so later W hears D7 crying , comes down to grab herself some tea and tells me (without knowing anything about situation), that I should not make D7 cry (acting like and leading D7 to believe that I had done something wrong). Then W runs back to hiding upstairs, where she had been since the bath while I watched/played with the two older kids. I was a livid / that she could be a spectator parent and swoop in with no understanding of sitch and criticize & undermine. I told her that what she did was not respectful and such behavior confuses kids. She put her fingers in her ears and told me she is getting divorce and cannot stand to listen to me and my OCD comments. I told her her behavior was not mature and unfair to kids (she shows little concern for them). I just don't know how to handle W's behavior. I just read up on the adverse impact of undermining in parenting. She's been doing that for years now. I am sure we could come to agreement on how to address certaing parenting issues- we just never have that conversation (although not an excuse, not unimaginable since we have 3 kids and are busy professionally).
So, spoke with Coach yesterday, who basically said I was on right track but needed to work on detaching and setting boundaries.
Well, was eager to start implementing same over weekend . . . But today went rather rough. After W contradicted/undermined me last night, she wakes up and says she needed to go out for about 3 hours to get her hair done and then work for about an hour (all on about 2 hours notice). I ask her to provide greater notice in the future.
A few minutes after that I ask W if she can monitor D1.5 who is in other rooms playing to make sure she is not putting the tiny pieces of toys strewn about in her mouth, while I grab a bite to eat. W ignores my asking this Q three times - she was perusing a magazine. W then goes upstairs still not checking in on D1.5. I confront her on whether she understands that it is a serious safety issue to leave D1.5 unattended (she knows this as she has told my mother to always stay on top of her). W tells me I have OCD and then puts her fingers in ears as not to hear me (which she did last night too). After thinking about it for a while and the way she undermines me with the kids I tell her that I cannot be expected to change my schedule and watch all three kids for hours on end so she can go to the salon when she treats me with such disrespect. I also told her last night (and repeated this morning), that I cannot effectively watch kids due to her undermining. Of course she gets livid. Allegedly contacts babysitter (like we can afford that on top of salon cost). I went outside. I was putting around outside thinking about whether I shoud take off somewhere, but then was concerned that I was using kids as proxy war - wanted to stick to boundary but did not think it was right to be fighting oger kids, plus I like spending time with them. So, I was in my car contemplating when W calls and says AP will watch th kids for her - I said something appropriate for her comment then drove off but ended up turning back around. I walk in house and W is there, says she is not going to salon, but will take kids out somewhere where a real dad will be. I let a number of expletives fly and reiterated my boundary re no contact between kids and AP. She said she was just "joking" - had meant babysitter, not AP. Nice, huh. So, W slithers out (gives kids $5 ea to stop hanging on here car and go inside for her to leave them) and disappears for about 5 hours. Said she was going to work at a facility in a particular town. I was nearby at one point, did a drive by and no W. Not surprising. Good reminder. I had great time with all three kids. The hell with her. Tonight S5 & D7 went to granny's. W, me and D1.5 at home. Tried to detach. Was actually thinking about heading out (still on the wagon though, which I like, so thought better not). Cordial talk with W. Read her article highlights re adverse effects of undermining, No word re AP or D or leaving. That said, I suppose there is some reason why this is not in the fore now. Won't jump to conclusions, just try to use this gift of time (although having her experience ewhat life without me (and kids) would probably be good thing). Tomorrow is a brand new day.
P.s. Are you suggesting that we not sleep in same bed (even though no sexy time)? Or do you mean sleeping with her (as in sexy time ) blows your mind?
It blows my mind that a man doesn't make some changes in the R, and thinks that somehow the problems will work themselves out. Her sticking her fingers in her ears is symbolic b/c she isn't listening to anything you say. Doesn't matter if it is about the children or the M, she's intentionally not going to listen. She is showing you that you might as well not be there.
I see her neglecting the baby as very serious. You need to document this and keep private. If you have not sought legal advice, you really need to ASAP. There is no way she should be left alone to take care of the kids. I don't know if she was doing that to demonstrate her stubbornness to you, but there should be some stiff consequences for a parent who would be so careless about her baby.
She is in rebellion. She disrespects you in front of the kids. She undermines you. All of this is going to get worse. You have to take action. It is good you have spoken with a DB coach. However, you need to make some application to the advice.
Have you thought about the boundaries you need to establish?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Hi Sandi2, Thanks for the note. As far as boundaries and consequences are concerned, I am at a loss. I tried the boundary - not watching kids for you while you go out to the salon after speaking poorly to me/undermining. But I backed off in the end. I told her I would not watch kids so she could have date with AP. Held fast, so she said she would pay sitter (never happened due to weather). I have told her that I am unable to show compassion (she said she has cold), while she is in A. However, I guess only real boundary I have is the endgame (you end the A or I initiate D or I move out). All others appear to be illusory.
Oh yeah. On the W neglecting kids point. I took big kids out put his morning for a few hrs while W had D1.5. On arrival back, D1.5 asleep with W holding her - does not appear woke lot has been done. Anyway, big kids ome up to W and she tells them to leave her alone she is sleeping. Later (after I fed kids), I ask W to check on Ds in other room - W accuses me of trying to control her. I try to explain that I am not trying to control - just that she has responsibility to watch kids and that I am not going to do everything (boundary w/o ramification). She says she is tired and will hire babysitter to watch kids (mind you older kids with me Saturday and then sleepover at granny's - so very little effort by W). Also tells me I should enjoy my time with family (guess meaning her too). I ask her whether it's the her constant bi@$hing or her expectation that I do everything around the house incl. watching kids or the fact that she is carrying on an A that she wants me to continue to enjoy. W says that D is coming soon. I ask her to elaborate, but no details forthcoming. I believe there are none. Another day in the life. I am trying to hide upstairs, but think I will head out ANYWHERE if the roads are ok. Wishing you and everyone on the DB community a safe and sane Sunday.
W continues to treat me with lack of respect. Constant demeaning in front of children. constant contradicting/undermining. Does not listen to any concerns I voice. Simply dismisses them and does not try to resolve family issues (particularly those concerning kids).
All of the above result in arguing in front of kids. W threatened to call the police in front of kids if I did not leave the room (was trying to resolve via discussion with W behavioral issue with D7, however, this interfered with W's sleep schedule). In retrospect, think W is at that point in her cycle, so it could have been that talking.
Wheel of life continues to turn - W continues A with AP. I continue to do brunt of work around the house and with kids while W enjoys fruits of my labors. Kids learn to play parent off of parent.
At least I had all three kids today for snow day. Had great time. No confusion, they knew what was expected of them and were as good as gold
feel that have been doing decent job detaching (as well as one can with Three kids and living in same house). Have not really been able to come up with any boundaries with teeth. Have also not been able to show W the person she fell in love with/that I've changed since we generally have no communication and those we have are usually as a result of me being pushed to point where I need to speak up re her handling of kids which generally result in an argument due to her lack of respect/lack of addressing the issue. In W's eyes any issue I raise re kids is seen either as an attempt to control her or really a non-issue raised due to alleged OCD on my behalf. W seems to have no interest in resolving any issues whether it be kids or MR/D. W says yesterday - I am exhausted - picked up kids early and watched same for 4 hour. I am thinking who the he1l do you think will be watching them for multiple 24 hour periods? Crazy.
Having difficult time getting over the amount of vitriol & nastiness coming from W. Like I don't even know her. I said to W morning after we had latest argument - what alien stole my W and who is this stranger in the bed next to me.
Considering how she willfully neglects the children, you should concentrate on their safety, first. You can't force her to be a good parent, but you can take steps to protect your kids from her.
I think you need to consult legal advice, to see your available options and rights. Find out where you can turn (child services, police, .....something). I've heard that most lawyers will give an initial consultation, free of charge.
You need to see what to do if you have to take the children and leave. I mean, you can't trust her to take care of the baby while you're trying to work.
She thinks she holds all the cards just b/c she's the mother. Apparently, you think so as well. It's not always the case these days.
She is a mean bully!
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
