Raliced - Sextet

[Georgiabelle]

Gosh, can I relate to this topic or what? Raliced, your post really resonates with me. I completely relate to all of what you say. I cannot imagine (and boy do I have a vivid imagination!!) bringing someone new into my kids lives. I'm not opposed, I just simply cannot imagine it happening. I trusted x Mr. GB implicitly, and while I agree everyone can move forward and have a wonderful life, I don't know if I agree with some that think you *get over* this. I do feel like this alters you permanently and it is your choice how you proceed. Still, it is virtually impossible for me to imagine trusting someone like that again. 2x4 me. I'm okay with it:)

Lisa, although you are a little younger and have no kids, I totally hear you as well. I have this giant wall (what am I saying? It's a freaking fortress!!) built around me and I don't see if coming down anytime soon. Part of me simply doesn't want to deal with anyone's caca. Call it self protection if you want, but part of me simply doesn't have the capacity at this point to deal with a R.

Mozza, I think casual Rs are great. Unfortunately, I don't believe there is any such thing as no strings attached. There is always a string somewhere....I can relate to feeling whole in a R. I think most cultures view a R as a *desirable* thing so I understand that concept. However, I can also relate to the many female posters who say they feel like they are finding themselves.

I don't know. Everyone is different. I admit I am a tad envious of individuals who seem to just move seamlessly from R to R and find many people attractive. I don't, so that is a completely foreign concept to me. I am rarely attracted to people so........... I guess we will all figure it out in our own time:)

[Mozza]

It's nice to have this conversation with women.

LisaB - I can relate to your cynicism. The romantic in me is very, very ill. I responded more on your thread yesterday.

Raliced - It's very interesting that you feel more yourself now. My WW left me saying this is what she was seeking. For me, it's different from feeling whole. I also feel more like myself now, without the compromises of an R. But much like having a job or kids make me feel connected to the human experience, so does being in a couple. I even love the responsibilities that come with it. The other day, I had a crying fit watching House M.D. because a husband was asked to make life-or-death decisions for his unconscious wife and I was so sad to have been stripped of that responsibility. Have I been untrustworthy? That's an example of feeling whole to me.

Georgiabelle - About finding people attractive. I always told my wife that she was the most beautiful woman in the world and, my honest assessment is that she was in the top 5-10% for me. I wouldn't even look at other women, and my W and friends made fun of me for it. On the other hand, I liked to observe people and look for what's attractive in them, what their partner may like, and I could almost always find something, even in the ugliest people. After BD, I was repulsed by every woman who was not WW. Now, I'm back to finding something attractive in anyone, although not necessarily for me. I think my physical criteria are back to where they were before I met WW. All of this to say that my attraction is strongly related to my emotional status.

[HeavyD]

Georgiabelle

I am with you. I don't think I will ever trust or love anyone again. My walls are soooo high. I too don't think I cold ever bring anyone new into my kids lives. I just don't feel comfortable with it. Call me paranoid or bitter, but that's my hoest emotion.

Right now, anyone I see repulses me in the dating sense. I am not the sort to drift efortlessly fromR to R, I never have been. I have alwyas been cautious who I let into my life for the very reason of not getting burned and caught up in their B.S.

Ahhh..... guess we carry on....on our own time tables whatever they may be. My poor Mother can't understand why I just "can't get over it already". i have given up trying to explain my feelings to her. I don't have to justify my emotions to her, they just are and I have to work through them at my own pace.

[Miman2]

I've been having similar thoughts although I don't see it so much as a wall barring trust or love.
The way I've been thinking about it is something more along the lines of this:

During the DB process we read a lot about relationships and how to build healthy relationships.
We learn about boundaries, how to speak love languages, how to validate another's feelings and many other relationship related topics.

Then I stop to consider that maybe most people haven't had exposure to any of this.
How are we supposed to feel connected to anyone and feel like it will be positive and last without giving them some DB related homework.
Sure we can try to set the example from things we've learned, but how long before it becomes too one sided?

When I start thinking of this I keep imagining every Jan. 1st sitting down with the two of us to take the 5LL quiz again.
That way we make sure we still know each other's primary love language.
Or something along those lines.
How long before that becomes cumbersome to the R?
Maybe I'm taking maintenance of the R a little too literally. :-/

New thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...139#Post2557139