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Wonka #2544320 03/04/15 12:08 AM
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Thank-you Wonka,

Sometimes I think I need a kick in the ass. I'm going to get busy planning a good weekend for me.


Me:43, WW:45
2 Kids: 21,22
Married: 23 Years
Bomb: 01/2015
Separate Bedrooms: 02/2015
She left: 03/2015
Burger #2544471 03/04/15 01:50 PM
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Had a good therapist visit yesterday. We talked a bit about the W psychiatrist. The fact that he has advised against any sort of couples counseling says a lot. If anyone goes into a shrink and says they have marriage problems the first thing they do is send them to couples therapy. Since her shrink advised against couples therapy and all R talk with me, it implies that she went in there and said she wanted to leave me, or said she is having an affair and wanted to leave me. His response would have been to send her to individual counseling to work on what brought that on. Then possibly couples counseling.

We also talked about the game she plays. My therapist has had other patients in similar situations. She may have gotten so sucked into this game and the life she has in there that she is trying to turn that game into her new reality. Trying to leave her family here behind. Her in game friends are now her Facebook friends, her in game crushes are becoming her EA partners.

My therapist had read my diary too. After we talked a bit about its contents she told me that I will make quite the catch when I get through this chapter of my life. Really made me smile.

D21 was home tonight. It is nice being the parent she talks to. I bet she misses her mom though. While she ate we had a nice talk about her new job, her boyfriend, his band, and his recent show downtown. W was in her room with her tablet.


Me:43, WW:45
2 Kids: 21,22
Married: 23 Years
Bomb: 01/2015
Separate Bedrooms: 02/2015
She left: 03/2015
Burger #2544491 03/04/15 02:36 PM
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Burger, thank you for posting on my thread. I really appreciate the support. Some days are just really hard -- I know you've been there. I just want to say, having caught up on your situation, that it is so hard to live in the same environment with your spouse when you're going through this. It's emotional torture, really.

I also want to share that my H has ADD too, and that personality tends to be both impulsive and addictive, which is super dangerous in an affair situation (and for gaming). I want to write off my H's actions on his ADD (and also his migraines, seizures, narcissism), but the bottom line is that he is making choices based on who he really is now. Perhaps he is no longer the person I married, or perhaps he has always been this person but struggled to be someone else all those years. It's hard to understand, either way.

Also, my H has a lot of "virtual" friends (Facebook, and his AP is long-distance, so texting and emails were likely their main means of communication). These relationship are not built on strong foundations, because there is so much room for projection and assumption. But there's nothing we can do about it, and the WAS won't recognize this as an issue.

I'm glad you're getting emotional help and guidance from therapy. It's too easy to go down the depression wormhole when dealing with this kind of situation. I'm also glad to hear that your daughter can open up and talk to you. Even though it's hard for me to hear my daughter struggling, I'm glad she can open up to me. Kudos to you for that.


M: 43 H: 39
D: 14
Married 15 Together 16
BD: 6/2014
S: 8/2014
OW revealed 10/2014
Instigated dissolution 12/2014, in progress
So over it!
Ahoy #2544534 03/04/15 04:29 PM
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Thank-you for note Ahoy! I really aprreciate your thoughts.

Originally Posted By: Ahoy
it is so hard to live in the same environment with your spouse when you're going through this. It's emotional torture, really.

I’m trying to hang in there the best I can. I think the advice from Zues yesterday is spot on: try and treat her like a roommate.

Originally Posted By: Ahoy
I also want to share that my H has ADD too, and that personality tends to be both impulsive and addictive, which is super dangerous in an affair situation (and for gaming). I want to write off my H's actions on his ADD (and also his migraines, seizures, narcissism), but the bottom line is that he is making choices based on who he really is now. Perhaps he is no longer the person I married, or perhaps he has always been this person but struggled to be someone else all those years. It's hard to understand, either way.

I've since learned that the ADD person is very susceptible to addictions of any kind. She did get a new medication, but it’s seemed to make her focus more on the game she plays.

Originally Posted By: Ahoy
Also, my H has a lot of "virtual" friends (Facebook, and his AP is long-distance, so texting and emails were likely their main means of communication). These relationship are not built on strong foundations, because there is so much room for projection and assumption.

While I try to ignore her phone as best I can. Occasionally I will see a text or chat notification pop up on it. From the few I have seen I can tell that she is also lying to her new friends as well.

Originally Posted By: Ahoy
I'm glad you're getting emotional help and guidance from therapy. It's too easy to go down the depression wormhole when dealing with this kind of situation.

I was very far down that wormhole before I got help. At first I blamed all of this on me. Learning that this is not entirely my fault has helped me a lot. The support I receive from friends and family helps. And these forums are very valuable for learning that I’m not the only one in this situation.


Me:43, WW:45
2 Kids: 21,22
Married: 23 Years
Bomb: 01/2015
Separate Bedrooms: 02/2015
She left: 03/2015
Burger #2544539 03/04/15 04:34 PM
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You are definitely not alone! Just look at how many of us are on these boards. Sadly, this is a common scenario. With time and perspective, perhaps it won't be so overwhelming.


M: 43 H: 39
D: 14
Married 15 Together 16
BD: 6/2014
S: 8/2014
OW revealed 10/2014
Instigated dissolution 12/2014, in progress
So over it!
Ahoy #2544541 03/04/15 04:36 PM
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I think that my D21 is really helping me. Just having someone to spend time with in the evenings when I am home is awesome.


Me:43, WW:45
2 Kids: 21,22
Married: 23 Years
Bomb: 01/2015
Separate Bedrooms: 02/2015
She left: 03/2015
Burger #2544542 03/04/15 04:36 PM
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Me:43, WW:45
2 Kids: 21,22
Married: 23 Years
Bomb: 01/2015
Separate Bedrooms: 02/2015
She left: 03/2015
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