I think you need to stick to your guns when it comes to finances and what you want. Who cares if he gets mad at some point you have to draw a line in the sand. Get some respect back from him by not letting him bully you and make you feel bad by saying he knew you would leave him high and dry what about what he has done to you.
I know you want to be nice and not make him mad but at some point if he keeps pushing you will have to.
Thank you V. The last time he came over to talk about finances, it turned into a spew fest about how everything is my fault, that he doesn't want this but it is for the best, he doesn't love me anymore and can't be married to me.
So, we both decided that we needed to put our proposals on paper and email them to each other. That was a month ago and he has continuously asked me to meet him to talk about it, even though he has not sent me his proposal. I've told him multiple times that I didn't think meeting without previously exchanging proposals was going to be productive, but he has been pushing to meet anyway. I have suggested that we engage a mediator to help navigate us through this, but he just ignores it. So I just gave in and said we could meet. I have my proposal ready, and I'm sure he will not have anything and just tear apart what I have proposed. I doubt we will be able to agree, so my goal is to not let it turn into an argument and stop the meeting if needed.
Me:36 H: 29 T: 4 years M: 2 years No kids In-house sep 10/4/14 H moved out 1/2/15 Talk of D 4/9/15
"She's standing on a line between giving up and seeing how much more she can take" John Mayer
If he shows up without emailing his proposal, tell him "no way". Keep your cards very close to your chest. Text him before he comes over.
"H, we agreed to email proposals. I still do not have yours. When you have emailed your proposal and I have had time to review then I will meet with you"
Or
" I am going out now. I await your proposal as agreed by email. There is no point in meeting until I get your proposal as agreed"
Or
"No email rom you. Meeting delayed until I get it"
Or
"H, no proposal from you, meeting delayed"
Keep your power. Don't even start the meeting. or do you want to play games?
Try googling Al Turtle Master talk.
V
Last edited by Vanilla; 05/05/1508:32 PM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Well, that was fun. So I texted him to let him know that we didn't need to have the meeting if he didn't have his proposal and he said he would bring it with him. When he got here he pulled out a blank piece of paper and started writing on it. I asked if he had his proposal and he said it was in his head. I told him that I didn't think having this discussion was going to be productive without everything on paper. He asked me to hear him out and so I just listened. He went through what he felt he was entitled to (which with the exception of the equity in the house was actually less than I thought he would ask for).
Before we started he said he never wanted to be here. I just kept my mouth shut as I wanted to say that it was his choice that we were here. He didn't spew, seemed very sure of himself, sure of his choice and seemed to have no interest in ever R. He said he just wanted to get everything filed and done as soon as possible so we could move on.
I guess it went as well as could be expected. There were so many times I wanted to make a comment about OW, but I kept my mouth shut. I stayed calm and waited to cry until he left.
***Pity party alert***
This just hurts so bad. It just felt so weird to be sitting at the dining room table talking about splitting our stuff and filing D paperwork, while he just acted like it was no big deal. Like "let me just sign some stuff and sweep my magic wand over everything and tadaa, I am free and can do whatever or whoever I want". Like the last 4.5 years never happened, like our M is just something that can be undone so easily. He can't wait to be done and I feel like my heart is being ripped out of my body.
Me:36 H: 29 T: 4 years M: 2 years No kids In-house sep 10/4/14 H moved out 1/2/15 Talk of D 4/9/15
"She's standing on a line between giving up and seeing how much more she can take" John Mayer
I am so sorry to read this. This must have been very painful and humiliating.
What do you want to do? Have you hired an attorney?
It is usually the case the party with the AP/OW wants out of the marriage as fast as possible. That's usually a red flag. Do you have an attorney? If no, I suggest getting one and reviewing your husband's proposal. Just because he says the house equity is XX doesn't mean it is what it should be. Do you even know how much equity is in the house?
Anyway, I am sorry but don't want you to get taken advantage of either.
You did well. Ignoring the emotional stuff, you now know without showing your hand exactly how he views the position on the fins. Now you can check and refine the numbers. Don't forget to include intangibles such as pensions and savings. As heavy says now double check everything.
Know this, Nole that was a very tough meeting, even for me and I do this all the time for clients with third parties. H was arrogant enough to think he could dictate to you. Listening was your best strategy, excellently done.
Fins are numbers, it's about protecting your future. Not about emotion. Protect you, L now. The Intel you have will cut your costs with the L. The more you know the cheaper the fees. Interview Ls until you find one you can work with, go armed with your knowledge.
The emotions will go, they are going to pass.
Breathe deep and it will be alright in the end and if it's not alright it's not the end. Besides the fat lady hasn't sung yet.
Your heart can only be ripped out of your body if you let it. You need that heart, it is your most precious possession. It is because you have it that you feel so much and that makes you special.
Your timeline is almost identical to mine and in house S is one of the toughest and I feel the same.
Every day it will be better, your heart will recover, and there will be a beating in your chest again.
((((((((((nole))))))))))
V
Last edited by Vanilla; 05/06/1512:51 AM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
1. Hmm. I don't really give forum hugs. I don't know why. Maybe I'm a little shy. Or maybe it's because I'm married and don't like virtual hugging other women. But what the heck.
((((HUGS))))
Is that how it's done?
Hang in there.
2. Your H may or may not have OW, I know most people jump to that conclusion because approximately 137.2% of WAS's do But really, we don't know that.
The whole thing about him being so confident this is what he wants...let me tell you. He's only fooling himself. He has no clue what he wants. He's confused, he's in pain, he's desperate. So what does he do? He sets a few goals and tells himself when he does A/B/C it will all be better. I don't want to get you started on mindreading, but hypothetically he could say to himself "Boy, I'm so sad and in so much pain. I can't stand it! I know. Once the D is final, our stuff is split, then this will all be behind me, I won't hurt so much, I can meet someone new, and I'll be happy again!"
JUST BECAUSE HE TELLS HIMSELF THIS DOESN'T MAKE IT TRUE.
Have you ever thought something would make you happy, then found out you were still basically the same? I think there's a saying for that: Wherever you go, there you are.
3. So what does this mean to you? How will it play out?
I don't have a crystal ball, but he's on his own journey. Maybe he has a moment of clarity and changes his mind. DR say this doesn't happen often, and if so you take it super slow.
But sometimes people have to make their own mistakes. He might have to achieve his goals, realize they don't make him happy, watch those new dreams die...and then start to realize the costs of his decisions. This could mean him finalizing the D, rebounding in a 12-18 month R, then after the magic fades and things crash and burn, he might walk away and realize the role he played, what he lost, and wonder if it's too late to fix things with you.
Or...he might move on, find someone else, and learn the skills to be a good H after he's already established a new life. This idea haunted me for a long time. If he's going to leave, at least be a dud so we can feel like we didn't lose anything. Don't let him be the guy that turns into a stud right after the door is closed!
BUT IN ALL OF THESE CASES: You have to let him go on his journey. You really do. He is gone. He might never return.
All you can do is focus on becoming the best woman you can be, standing by your values, and finding ways to detach and GAL. Then, after all the dust settles, you are healthy and whole, and you have gotten through your grieving...you can look back to see where he's at, and whether you want to continue to stand, or if you're ready to move on.
So the bad news is that there is nothing you can do to avoid the FULL grieving process for your M. It is dead. And if the opportunity to R ever came up, it wouldn't be with you and your H, it would be with the person you become down the road with the person he has become down the road.
I tell you this because I want you to realize the importance of focusing on you, GAL, detachment, and selfcare. The more you can do to stop depending on someone that won't meet your needs the better.
I know these words are so hard to hear. So I will give you one more (((hug))) and tell you that if we got through this, you will too. But remember, I admire your love for your H. It's just time to pack it away for a while.
Hoping to see some posts just about you, your growth, your GAL in the near future!
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Do you have an attorney? If no, I suggest getting one and reviewing your husband's proposal. Just because he says the house equity is XX doesn't mean it is what it should be. Do you even know how much equity is in the house?
We are trying to do it without attorneys (I have some money saved up and would rather put it towards paying him out of the house rather than on attorney's fees). I am also an attorney. I don't practice family law but am generally familiar with the divorce laws in my state. We agreed on everything but the house. We are getting it appraised so the equity will be an actual number. We disagree on the timing of the appraisal-I think it should be from January when he moved out as I have been the one paying the mortgage- and the percentage we are entitled to.
But really, we don't know that.