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So getting the clothes for s13 and d17 went well. They looked good and walking tall.

The Visitation for MiL had a really good vibe to it. A celebration with a lot of people attending, rather than a somber event. W did a great job putting lotsa pictures for MiL's past. I held my head high, went to each of the sisters and gave hugs (even to the ones who do not like me) and expressed my sadness for their loss. Found people to socialize with, and after 45 minutes, I gave my W a quick hug and went back home.

Yeah, the hamster cage of my mind was working a bit on overtime - the fear of other guys being there and comforting my W. But again a groundless fear.

But it really felt like we were already divorced. The sisters thanking me for being there, like I was already an outsider. And my having little time with W. It was an odd feeling.


Me-54 yrs; W: 50 yrs
4 kids- D: 22,20,19; S:15
"Trial" Divorce: 04/14 - 6/14
Separated: 06/2013- divorced 08/2016

“The strongest of all warriors are these two — Time and Patience.” War and Peace
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Originally Posted By: Wet

I see so clearly how my W and children need more of me right now, but the separation prevents this. I am the only who keeps my s13 calmed down. And it is so frustrating to see that the only reason my W hasn't divorced me is that she only wants more money from me. This stinks.


I want to be the voice of compassion here -- I don't agree that this is why. Charlayne in Rejoice Ministries always reminds me not to think about the circumstances, not to think about WHY things happen to keep us together, but just to be thankful. I have often fell into thinking that my husband only doesn't leave us because he can't afford to, but then I just thank god for ensuring that he can't afford to! Your wife may be using this idea in her mind, that the connection is money-based, but her mind is addled! Maybe she needs to pretend it's about the money because she can't admit or face the fact that she wants to stay connected.

Try not to think about your circumstances!

I am struggling so much with my son too. It's so hard. I keep trying to trust God that this journey will have meaning for all of us. I know it has changed me.


I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord with courage.
Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
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So you never did say... did d18 stay or go back to Boston? Strange about the visitation but I suppose she has told all of her sisters different tales of woe and other drama stories.

I am glad to hear that you will be able to help s13. He really needs some stability. Heck, you all do. Thinking of you all during this difficult time.

kat


Me-53(and learning!)
S24, S21, D18, D17
Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
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Hi Gerda, it is nice to see you back. Thanks for the reminder to view her actions (of not signing the divorce papers) and to stop trying to read into W's motivations. Compassion? One step at a time on this.

And Kat, thank you for asking about d18. She went back to Boston. The dutiful worker, her boss at Starbucks said she needed her, and so she went back. Just in time for more snow!

Quick journal - So I texted W this afternoon to ask if I could come over to pick up s13. She texted back "Call me please", which sounded urgent so I called her right back. She asked if it was alright to let s13 go to a family dinner tonight with other family members in town for the funeral. I agreed.

Then W tells me she hasn't really cried yet at the loss of her mother, though when she hugged my mom at the Visitation last night, it was her first real cry.

Then she tells me that since she did all of the work setting up the visitation, after it was done she left with one of her women friends to a bar. They were joined by one of her male friends (I would normally stop her at this point, but given the circumstances I gave her some slack). And after a few drinks, W said she was not ready to go home, and male friend invited her to local casino which is open all night. She said this was great, and just what she needed.

I kept her talking by asking what was her favorite photo that she discovered going thru all of the old photos. She bubbled with enthusiasm describing some of the favorites. Then she told me she bought some lockets and fitted photos of each of her 7 sisters individually with their mom, that she will give out tomorrow at the funeral. I told her what a great idea.

Then W told me that I would have both s13 and d17 after tomorrow's funeral. She explained that she hasn't really had any alone time to deal with her mother's death. More time with my kids? I'm all for it. Though from my past with my W, I doubt she will be alone. She gets her energy from being around people. But it's her decision to spend her time as she will.

Then perhaps a mistake? I brought up tomorrow's funeral, and that I would like to sit by our children, and by her. I said I was trying to be sensitive to her needs by asking this. She was caught off guard, she stammered that she was going to sit by her closest sister. I left it at that. Let's see what tomorrow holds.


Me-54 yrs; W: 50 yrs
4 kids- D: 22,20,19; S:15
"Trial" Divorce: 04/14 - 6/14
Separated: 06/2013- divorced 08/2016

“The strongest of all warriors are these two — Time and Patience.” War and Peace
Joined: Nov 2008
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No, that wasn't a mistake, Wet. That seems honest, sincere, and a nice gesture to ask vs. just doing tomorrow.

AJ


"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK
Put the glass down...
"Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world
Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
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Journaling - This morning was MiL's funeral. W ended up sitting with her dad and 2 of her sisters. D20 had a cow when I asked her to sit next to me and d17 and s13 - she has 25 of her fun cousins to sit with, but I insisted. I was weepy for MiL all morning and I wanted her with me.

It was an old school funeral service, full mass (was a bit too long). There were some nice stories, but it wasn't at all emotional. No one was crying. W only started crying at the end.

So after the service, I stayed away from W, let her see her friends who attended. She was still crying a bit. Then we went to a lunch served at the church hall. Chicken potato chip casserole. Perfect church hall meal - grin. I sat with the kids, W and 3 of her friends to eat.

The emotions started showing up here at the meal with my kids. D20 tried stealing a piece of fruit of W's plate, W snapped at her, and d20 went full gushing tears saying "you're not the only one who is hurt by this!" Then d20 blamed me for making her sit with me at the funeral. Then as we were ready to go (d17 and s13 were going with me back to my place), d17 starts crying that she didn't want to go back with me. I explained that I really wanted her to spend some time with me, but she refused. Ok, today was not the day to force anything.

Now up to this point, I had stayed away from W, and we only had a few words. Good convo at our table while eating but nothing special. Then after the meal was over W pulled a chair up next to me, turned her back and asked for a back massage. She said (b/c of her fibromyalgia) that her back was hurting so bad, and I knew where all of her "spots" were, and she needed the massage. So I rubbed her for a few minutes. I said my farewells, and then I took s13 back to my place.

Now on the ride back s13 was a monster. I don't know if it was the funeral, or my not seeing him last weekend, but he just started raving that he wanted to go back to the W's place b/c he had so much homework to do. I knew he needed peace and calm from me today, so I didn't bite on his trying to fight with me ("I'll never come back if we don't go to my favorite restaurant", "I'm not going in, I'm sleeping in the car", etc.) I stayed calm and told him I would bring him back to W's place tomorrow at 6 am if he wanted but today we take a day off from homework.

He calmed down when we got to the apartment. We watched a little of the Kentucky basketball game, he ate himself silly, and is now taking a nap.

It just felt odd that my W and I didn't comfort each other today. It felt right for me to stay away from her, but it had that feeling like we were already out of each other's lives. I'm a little sad.


Me-54 yrs; W: 50 yrs
4 kids- D: 22,20,19; S:15
"Trial" Divorce: 04/14 - 6/14
Separated: 06/2013- divorced 08/2016

“The strongest of all warriors are these two — Time and Patience.” War and Peace
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 942
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Wet Offline OP
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Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 942


Me-54 yrs; W: 50 yrs
4 kids- D: 22,20,19; S:15
"Trial" Divorce: 04/14 - 6/14
Separated: 06/2013- divorced 08/2016

“The strongest of all warriors are these two — Time and Patience.” War and Peace
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