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She doesn't seem to have any problem in backing out of agreements she has made with you or her son. She just expects you to pick up the slack she has caused.

So she is spending more and now says you will need to pay her part of the tuition? Nice. smirk More than once she has said that her expenses will be more than yours. How does she know this? (You don't have to answer.....I'm just making a point.) It shouldn't matter, if she made an agreement. Maybe everything needs to be based on the sliding scale.

I don't think you are going to be able to simply take her verbal agreement on these financial issues. She doesn't seem to stick to much of anything she's agreed upon.....whether it is scheduling, finances, or what she tells her son. You may have to get the court to decide about the scheduling and the finances. (Somehow, I think she would still try to manipulate her way around things.)

So sad it is this way. If she was not this way before she became a WAW, then hopefully, she will stop this wishy-washy style some day.

Do what you believe is the right/fair thing to do. In doing so, you won't be out to punish her, and you won't be putting yourself and S12 at risk financially.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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I wish that wer true in CA. We only get irreconiable differences. I have proof of her infidilities through multiple emails but it doesn't matter. Too bad.

My WAW lieft ou house and refuses to contribute her potion of the mortgage leaving me to pay the whole thing. She went out an got a very expensive apartment. In the mediation process, i am asking her to pay me for her missed mortgage payments which she is seriously gets angry over and claims she is not responsble to pay for. Her name is on the deed. Oh boy.


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Hello LITB. I really didn't want this to come to legal moves but she has a wrong vision of how all this goes. She has said, "This transition isn't isn't going the way it's supposed to go." Everything she has tried to do so far has failed.

Knowing that, I don't want to appear like I'm purposefully making things difficult for her to punish her or to look like I want to force her back into our R. Trying to find the balance of protecting myself and S12 while leaving room for any possibility of R in the future.

I was reading Denver_2010's thread again and feel reenergized to just have faith in the possibility of R with no expectations of how that would happen.

So, now she has 2 things she wants me to talk with her about... paying tuition and sharing S12's time. She proposes me giving her money for child support/paying S12's tuition and a week on/week off schedule for S12. I'm not good with either.

So I want to send her this text...

Hello XW. I got your text about school tuition and S12's schedule. I paid the $X amount we discussed and will pay my part of the January payment, $Y, with my next paycheck. Also, how would you feel about a 4 day split schedule for S12? Thank you XW

So I'm just telling her what I will pay and asking politely about schedule I prefer. Short and to the point. Can I do better with this text?

She may panic and cry on money. She may find she does not have enough.

Also, from what I understand from the DB books, I just do my best to be agreeable with decisions like this even though I don't want any of this at all. So there's nothing more to say in my text about my really not wanting any of this. I'm not to worry that I'm condoning her leaving our R... I'm just respecting her choice.

I want to keep the road home paved smooth. I'm really going to try now. Right now my thinking is that means I keep pulled way back from her and living a fun GAL life while acting "as if" I'm moving on.

EDIT: I also have to give her the amount she owes on our final bills from our own home. She has said she feels "stuck" by our life/bills. Yes I feel that way too. But she has a responsibility to pay these things so I can't feel afraid to push her away expecting her to pay her way.

Last edited by HPoirot; 01/28/15 06:28 PM.

Me: 44
W: 45
S: 11
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Together: 18
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OM discovered: 10/16/2014
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Originally Posted By: sandi2
She doesn't seem to have any problem in backing out of agreements she has made with you or her son. She just expects you to pick up the slack she has caused.

So she is spending more and now says you will need to pay her part of the tuition? Nice. smirk More than once she has said that her expenses will be more than yours. How does she know this? (You don't have to answer.....I'm just making a point.) It shouldn't matter, if she made an agreement. Maybe everything needs to be based on the sliding scale.

I don't think you are going to be able to simply take her verbal agreement on these financial issues. She doesn't seem to stick to much of anything she's agreed upon.....whether it is scheduling, finances, or what she tells her son. You may have to get the court to decide about the scheduling and the finances. (Somehow, I think she would still try to manipulate her way around things.)

So sad it is this way. If she was not this way before she became a WAW, then hopefully, she will stop this wishy-washy style some day.

Do what you believe is the right/fair thing to do. In doing so, you won't be out to punish her, and you won't be putting yourself and S12 at risk financially.







Hello Sandi and Jan.

I'm sure my XW has been bad on her schedule and financing only b/c she doesn't know what she's doing. She was expecting my support for 6 months while she enjoyed her new secret life. Now she's experiencing the consequences of her choices.

That, and she wants to "live" as she says. So she spends money on trips to NYC and the mountains and $300 for S12's sneakers and weeks of rental cars. She asked me for another $200 just last week before taking it back.

I'll won't start anything legal. I'll just pay my part of things. She'll have to figure out how she'll pay the rest. If she can't, she'll have to decide to get a lawyer/mediator on her own and pay for it on her own. I'll just be as agreeable and respectful as I can.

It's still mysterious to me that she can even bring herself to ask me for breaks and help. I'm almost used to it now.

I really would like to do what's possible and sensible to reduce her resentment about me. I'm concerned that all this she'll see as me controlling her or undervaluing her... a couple of her problems with our M.


Me: 44
W: 45
S: 11
Married: 15
Together: 18
BD: 9/29/2014
OM discovered: 10/16/2014
I left her behind: 12/14/2014
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HP - please be sure of the distinction between alimony (spousal support) and child support.

I'm no lawyer, and I'm not in your state, but I can see that infidelity could prevent alimony/spousal support. The principle is that your W is a responsible adult, she made a choice other than you, and thus you are relieved of responsibility for her.

I haven't ever heard of infidelity affecting child support, though. The principle is that they are your kids, you are responsible for them, you have to support them - bad acting by either parent is irrelevant. (kids don't give up the need to be supported because of the actions of one parent). And then, generally child support is some formula based on the difference of incomes, factored by the percentage of time spent with the custodial parent.

Please check this out.

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HP,

You've got to put your foot down when it comes to schedule for it is incredibly unfair to s12 to have a mother who changes things up at the whim to "satisify" her own needs.

When will you REALLY push back W and have a firm, consistent schedule in place???

One way to get it in place is to agree to a set schedule for say one whole month and then print it out for all three of you. Then say, we need to follow this schedule to ensure stability and consistency for everyone...especially s12. Emphasize to W that s12 has the print out in his bedroom so everyone is on the same page.

No more games.

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