Avoiding the Darkside ... Tales of the Jedi

[uRworthy]

Gotcha Aj. I know you know that is never my intent.

[CaliGuy]

Thank you uR and AJ .... I am not sure if its the fact I am handing the blows better, or maybe its the fact I have taken them so long I am developing MLC Whale-skin-blubber, maybe a bit of both.

Yesterday W TM about her TV .. again not my problem and I have done better about letting her figure her own stuff out. she also TM that she could pick up S .... for whatever reason this week she took time off and stayed home with S, took her car into the mechanic, and somehow was off early friday. I am not sure what she is doing with work ... again ... not my issue just an observation. She then calls ... I thought maybe it was S wanting to talk to me since I didnt pick him up which is a rarity. Was W talking about the TV and the issues ... I have been Mr. Fix-it my whole life ... I have had ... well ask uR ... some issues NOT trying to fix things ... you may laugh but in my office at work I actually have my large Craftsman roll away tool box ... yes .. IN my office .... so after talking to her I realized it was an easy fix (well atleast for me), in the back of my head I asked myself ... if she were just a neighbor how would I handle this? I told her I would swing by on my way to work so her and S would be able to watch a movie.
I arrive ... and she looks a wreck, honestly ... like she is not sleeping or eating. She gives me "the look" .. uh oh .. shields up ... she says "Can I give you a hug?" ... I was like ... WTF? First words out of my mouth, I mean its like they leaped out on their own ... "I don't think that would be appropriate" I am not sure who had the more stunned look on their face .. her or me .. .I gave her a neighbor one arm hug ... as she was crying.... awkward !!!!
So ... moved past that .. onto the TV, I made it a point to have S help, gave him important jobs to do ... got everything all fixed up in about 15 minutes and said goodnight to S. W walks me out .. seriously flashing the big brown eyes, trying to get me to return what I will just call "The love look" ... I held my poker face realizing this is our game .. the push and pull.

She TM thanking me for fixing the TV, made a joke .. I replied with a simple .. "Your Welcome" I worked and .. well Mr Analyzer ... I thought, maybe she is having doubts, she is confused, I think OM is out of the picture but have no idea, I know she seems to be terrified of being alone ... and I realized with the MLC it must be brutal to be trapped alone with your thoughts, I think she is using people .. OM, me, S to avoid actually facing those issues she is going to have to work on to emerge from the fog. Then ... the little scared boy inside is thinking .. maybe she doesn't want D and wants me back ... I hit him in the face with a sledge hammer.

I woke up this morning, just laid there for a bit ... checked my emails, and there it was .. 1 hour old .. confirmation from the Mediator on all our scheduled visits (individual sessions on the 12th, joint on the 16th ... Happy Valentines). I admittedly spun for a bit, sad ... then went to anger .. I said aloud "One minute you want to hug me .. the next you are plotting your divorce?" Again ... I realized that is the scared little boy I babysit from time to time .. hit him in the face a second time with a larger hammer. I jumped on the Harley and rode to the office and it hit me .. that hug to her might be closure, or an "I'm sorry we didn't make it" .... for me its definitely a LL and it means "I love you still, I am trapped in here somewhere don't give up", I just needed to get out .. and get these thoughts down because I need to deal with ^^ this ... its a problem for me and a gateway into the walls of detachment I put up .. she somehow knows this even in MLC-ville.

I pick up S in a few hours, taking him to the Monster Truck event downtown. W asked if she could take S to a birthday party (I had planned on taking him) I told her that would be fine ... but I promised he and I would go bike riding after. She then got a little testy with a "So I can not watch him riding his bike?" .... I wanted to say .. sure you can .. go buy him a bike like I did, as of late she has been refusing to pay for anything like the bike, his baseball, chessclub, math club .. things he has always done but she is to "poor" to afford .. yet was ready to buy a TV on the spot. MLC ... oh how I loath thee. So I told her, as I have in the past, she is free to do as she wants, we will be at the lake, I will be the one scratching my head in confusion.

So that brings me current. Helps just to get this out, release it. I am going to sit alone with God for a bit just to find center as I know I am not there right now. This divorce thing is what she needs, thinking if she is single maybe the guilt wont be so bad, her H is the thing in between her and happiness, I understand that much. I have been following her and her tunnel crawl, if I had to guess ... she is somewhere at the end of replay, withdrawl ... hard to know as she is not really sharing alot of information and I do not see her often.

[job]

Actually, I think your wife is still in replay/depression. Others may disagree w/me...but she's still doing some of the replay stuff. She's having a difficult time sleeping. The demons are coming to visit each night when things are quiet. I'm not surprised to read that she looked a wreck. The mask was down and she was vulnerable at that time.

I'm glad you fixed the TV for her. It shows her that you have class and have taken the high road. As for the hug, she was glad you came over and were willing to help her and your son out. They tend to forget themselves at times and do things like hugs or call you by your special pet names.

As for her spending....yep, MLC has a way of creating the urge for spending and they do become selfish in all ways, especially when spending money on others.

I'm sorry you received the mail concerning the mediator. At least you now have some idea of the dates.

Continue to come here and write out your frustrations. It does help to document it all and then a year or so down the road you can come back and see just how far you've come.

[uRworthy]

Hey Luke, you a Mister Fix-it? Perish the thought. LOL!..Seriously dude, you have tools under your desk? LOL!

I like the way you are stopping yourself from going to a bad place. Good on you.

So, here's my take, for what it's worth. I've been around here for along time. I have seen this many times. When divorce becomes real, it makes them spin. So her asking for a hug, yea, thats part of it.

Part of it is her maybe being not sure a bit. Part of it is that she doesnt want to be alone. Part of it is that she wants to make sure you'll be where you left her. And when you give an indication that you may not be...more spinning.

When they want back in, you know it, without a doubt, or at least you should.

She is a mess, Luke. Must be hard to be her. When I spoke to someone who came through a crisis, he said that he literally felt as if he was losing his mind at times. And yea, say it with me, not your problem right now.

Hurting people hurt people.

So, best to keep those shields up right now. That poor scared little boy is getting the cr@p beat out of him...LOL!

You got this, Luke. Keep going.

[CaliGuy]

Thank you Job... I think I only watch where she is just so I can decide which shoes to wear with my spew jacket.

Yeah I think you are right, might be replay/depression... I had scheduled to pick S up at 4, she TM a bit ago asking if I wanted to come over, prior to my Jedi training I would have jumped at this, I opted not to, told her I had some errands to run.... Actually went for a ride, spotted a alteration shop... Dropped off my riding jacket to have the zipper replaced... Woohooo!!

W TM during " Ok. I'm not in a good place. Please just come get him. "
I told her I had to go home and then would be over to get him... She replied he is fine, ... Then replied with "How about I just drop him off at the lake and you meet us there? I need to get out. ". Maybe she too checked the email and it's set her off like it did me, or could me her cycle setting in early ... Not sure ... I had my shields charging as I was out on my ride

The ride cleared my head, listened to a sermon the calmed my soul... I have noticed with all this... As you all told me, the feelings and emotions still come... But not as bad and not as long as they once did .... I am so thankful for that ... And the never ending generous support you all give ... Thanks is not close to being enough ... But it's all I can offer at the moment till I find that bacon you all stashed around here somewhere

[CaliGuy]

Thanks uR

Lol... The tools.. Seriously it's a 5ft roll-away smack dab against a wall in my office like it was an art piece ... I told you.. I can fix anything ... Lmao

Yeah, she must be having doubts and second thoughts .. And I'm sure this will be followed by more, with some lashing out I between to demonize me a bit so it justifies her actions ... That's the trend I've noticed in my own sitch ... And others

She's gonna have to face her stuff ... Meanwhile I plan on writing my Father of the Year acceptance speech because let's face it ... I'm an awesomer talker guy... And S & I have really been having s blast doing the GALs that I sucked him into with me.

I thought about it today, there is literally nothing I can do to help her, that hurts... And more hurt that she was basically stolen from me and S ... No one to blame, it just happened but man it's brutal to watch someone you love hurting as bad as she is... And you can't duct tape them to a chair and say " ok, you are in a tunnel... Here is a cool helmet with a light thingy, here is a shovel, this is a GPS tracker... Dig yourself out in time to join the family for a sane dinner mkay... Thanks"

[uRworthy]

I hear you on the hurt you feel that you cant help her. I remember looking at my xh and feeling so badly for him. He was a mess. He was in a frenzy running out to meet the ow. He couldnt find his keys fast enough. But he caught me out of the corner of his eye and thats when I saw it. It was fleeting, but, there. All at once I saw fear and a deep, deep hollowness in his eyes.

While I dont believe I was a true fixer, I did have fixer tendencies to a degree and I ached to try to figure out a way to help in the beginning.

It doesnt work that way, Im afraid. It actually cant work that way. Because we cant possibly know the depth of the demons they are chasing. We cant know because they dont know. They cant come through until they figure it out. When we get involved, we slow down the process.

This is a solo journey of theirs. A really tough one, to be sure. But a necessary one if they ever expect to be whole one day.

So, you can have hope for her and compassion. But you cant do a thing for her.

[mleigh4]

Oh ya, she is spinning alright. And once again you handled it with such class. Way to go Cali.

Your description of MLC being in a ditch with a shovel is exactly how I too see it. I see us walking with our S, on a path, then boom, they fall into the ditch. We sit up top, legs dangling, coming up with all sorts of ideas to get them out. But they don't listen, they are too busy digging, looking for all the other possibilities and options in there. They don't see us at the top anymore. This is why it is so important for us to stand up and keep walking on that path. No use just sitting there, who knows which tunnel they will take or when they will come out?? Right?

Sorry to hijack, I just had to share

[daring]

Cali your analogy about duck taping them to a chair and giving them the tools they need cracked me up!
You sound good- I know what a tough place you are in but as usual you are recognizing it and regrouping as necessary. Sounds like some great times with your S too- so important!
As far as your W maybe having second thoughts- she may be. But as it seems to be with my H, it's not enough for them to change paths at the moment. And the more I get through this the more I think it's not time for them to change paths yet. They're still squishy in the middle and need some more oven time.

Hang in there dude- keep your spew gear up to specs and at the ready. Once you stand up for yourself in D proceedings the weather gets a bit stormy!