Gerda - I will be sorry to see you go. I am not an advocate of divorce, and have remained single post divorce - The divorce was what my husband wanted.
It is hard to stand up for what you think is right: however over the years I have been dealing with MLC (nearly ten in my case) your your husband's behaviour seems very extreme.
I have been challenged here too - but honestly, with rare exceptions the challenges moved me forward in my own journey, and helped me to see things more clearly.
Verbal abuse is very scarring for children to witness, as well as receive.
I do not write to impose my views but to provide another perspective
I think I will back off from this forum again though, because every time I post there are so many replies telling me that I am a doormat or delusional and telling me to get a divorce, etc. I hear plenty of that from the people around me. Often the replies even seem to echo what I hear from my H, that our whole marriage was always bad and I should "face reality."
Gerda- I am NOT telling you to divorce him, but I AM telling you there may be something seriously wrong with him. Why would you not want to help him if the problem is actually drug addiction or bipolar disorder or a brain tumor? Why are you so unwilling to even look at or answer questions about this? And protecting your children from the harmful effects of his abusive behavior does not mean abandoning him or the marriage, but it may mean setting boundaries that might include your H leaving the house for a while if he can't behave. Being faithful to your marriage does NOT mean you have to tolerate abuse; in fact, it may be to your husband's benefit in the long run if you stop allowing him to treat you and your son this way.
Believe it or not, your husband is actually MORE likely to return to the marriage (and return as a better man) if you DON'T put up with his bad behavior. (And I'm not suggesting you do this in a negative way by accusing him of being like his father, you can do this in a firm but loving way, having healthy boundaries, just like you would with your child.)
As for your husband saying the marriage was always bad - that's just normal MLC nonsense, don't pay a moment's attention. You did not imagine your good years. They have to make up something to justify their behavior. Still, the one thing you CAN control at the present is you, and it's a good time to work on any improvements that you know you need to make.
I also recommend a very good Al Anon book called The Courage to Change. A friend gave it to me when I was going through my marital difficulties, and even though neither my husband nor I had any alcohol problems, the book was surprisingly helpful.
Quote:
God is there to support you, but God also wants you to take care of yourself and your children. He will be there to guide you, but he also wants you to do the necessary work to heal yourself. He's got your h in his hands and he will do what is necessary to heal him, but it's going to be on his time schedule and the seas may become very rough for your h along the way.
Job is so right here.
And please read carefully what people are saying to you, as you seem prone to misinterpret; my comment was that EITHER there is something seriously wrong with your H, OR he always had an abusive streak that you didn't see and that is now worse with MLC. If he truly was a wonderful spouse prior to his MLC, then I stand by my (experienced) medical opinion that there may be something beyond ordinary MLC going on with him. Does he show other signs of mania (staying up all night, impulsivity and rash decisions, grandiose ideas)? Does he have a family history of bipolar disorder, alcoholism, Huntington's disease, or any other neurodegenerative diseases? Does he drink or use drugs? Has he been put on any prescription medications that can cause behavior changes (antidepressants, Parkinson's drugs, etc?). Does he have a history of concussion or brain injury? Autoimmune disorders or hormone imbalances like thyroid disease? Exposure to toxins like heavy metals?
My ex had multiple concussions and probably a very mild lifelong form of bipolar disorder (which I myself did not recognize until it was too late). I did everything possible to save my marriage (and we reconciled for several very good years until his last MLC). He is in denial about his medical conditions and I feel badly that I was unable to help him, as I now see signs of subtle deterioration. (Thankfully he is married now to a nice young woman who I hope will care for him as he ages).
You can be a lighthouse for your husband, a beacon of hope and love and rationality, while still enforcing healthy boundaries and not allowing him to abuse you or the kids. Just as you can be an excellent loving mother while still making your children eat their vegetables and go to school.
Gerda, How are you doing today? I left a response on the Detachment thread in response to your other posting.
Please let us know that you are okay.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
