MLCer and EA w/ OW

[BklynMom]

I struggle so much with the morning routine. These are the things that have worked for me and made me not be a crazy yeller in the morning.

1. My top priority is not to yell and not what time they get to school.

2. I let them show up a few minutes late a couple of months ago. That got my D6 inline with helping in the morning she did not like being late. She gets dressed, brushes her teeth, shoes and coat on when I ask because she was late once and does not want to be late again. She also knows that I will not yell and scream to get her to school on time, if she doesn't cooperate she will be late.

This fear of being late is not effective at all on my D4 but I am more able to deal with her difficulties since D6 is ready to go. D4 is a constant struggle but I have more energy for it and I don't lose my cool. My big punishment with D4 is taking away playdates. She hates that. Its also a much easier thing for me to stick to versus taking away all screen time.

2. I get up earlier. We don't need to leave the house until 8:10 but I am up at 6. The more time I have in the morning to organize and be ready the less likely I am to lose it on them.

You have 3 kids that you are getting off to school alone!! hello ... that is impossible. Go easy on yourself. Your kids will forgive you and maybe you can use it as an opportunity to talk to them later in the day about how when Mommys make mistakes they can apologize.

And yes I totally agree with you the MLCer is a new person. New mannerisms everything.

Don't live in the future live in the now, right now she is still away.

[CaliGuy]

I agree ... give yourself some slack here ... 3 kids .. I couldnt imagine. I do know my MLC'r W has fits getting S going in the morning (Again somehow this is my fault 20 miles away :D). I am not sure your routine ... and thats the trick for me .. routine. When I have S my alarm goes off at 5:30, I will snooze till about 5:45 and get up ... wash my face, brush and just get myself going a bit. Then promptly at 6:00 its tickle time ... he does not leave the bed without laughing ... EVER ... he gets brushes, dressed as I whip up his breakfast. There is no TV or any other distractions .. just business. He is in charge of getting the dog outside as I finish up ... in the car by 6:30 and he eats on the 20 minute drive to W's

The alien abduction is famous ...the more I read about MLC the more I realized W went into stage 1 about 3 years ago, and started going through the tunnels since .. seems once they hit Replay thats when the trigger flips and they revert into someone we just do not recognize. Thinking of them as deceased is an option, that one was tough for me honestly because I would catch glimpses of the old W here and there. I knew I had to let her go ... months of being here and detaching helped and the final hurdle was when I realized ... I am a single father, even IF W comes out of the fog ... she will never be the same and I had to accept that, the damage is intense .. she did things she would never do and when/if she wakes she is going to have a tough time dealing with the fallout ... so who knows 'who' she will be after this process .... so I let the W I knew and loved go ... yeah .. she is gone ... (dead just seemed to intense for me)

[Jer2911]

Thanks BklynMom and Caliguy -- I am trying to not be too hard on myself. I've been doing this pretty much solo since BD in late October -- doing it solo even though W is still in the house because she's just in such a bad place that she has been "absent" in the morning routine. (You know, it is hard to be awake when your kids are getting ready for school when you've been up all night texting or talking on the phone with OW who lives in a drastically different time zone. Not to mention working long hours that prevent you from getting home in time to help with dinner or the bedtime routines.)

But we do have a morning routine -- which does include me getting up super early (5:15-5:30) so I can get my shower done before I get the kids up at 6:00 a.m. Most of the time they are already waking up on their own, but some mornings -- like today -- one or more are dragging... They do most of their own dressing, brushing teeth, etc., and I handle breakfast and making lunches for which ever child(ren) are not buying lunch that day. Today was just one of those days when one or more decided to mess around more than usual.

CaliGuy -- at least you got glimpses occasionally... I haven't seen my W -- the real her that I know and love -- since before BD. Yes, W does have moments now when she is somewhat civil, almost nice, to me but it's not the same and it's coming from a face that I just don't recognize. I am trying hard to get over that hurdle of thinking of myself as a single mom now. It's hard, because it's painful to think of it that way -- but in reality, that's exactly what I am now even with my W still living in this house. :-(

[BklynMom]

I hate the title single mom. Urg!! It took me so long to reference myself as one.

You can prob still access my first threads on these boards but my exh never waivers back to his former self.

The bomb came from no where for me and there was never a glimmer of his former self.

He needed to demonize me in order to be with ow. If he at all saw me a human he could not have done what he did.

You are not alone. And your w Mlc has nothing to do with how you were as a w and as a mother.

Give yourself some credit for not loseing your cool more often in the past 3 months with your kids. It's not easy.

I hope this doesn't sound rude. The Mlc person always like to pretend that they were married and had kids by accident. That somehow it was not really what they wanted.
In your sitch obviously you didn't have children by accident. It was a planned decision for your family.

I think your sitch provides us with an example of clear bs that they feed all of us.

[Jer2911]

I hope this doesn't sound rude. The Mlc person always like to pretend that they were married and had kids by accident. That somehow it was not really what they wanted.
In your sitch obviously you didn't have children by accident. It was a planned decision for your family.

I think your sitch provides us with an example of clear bs that they feed all of us.

This is such a great point. True -- we obviously did not have kids by accident. In fact, when we met, one of the first important points we discussed was the desire we both had to have children and a family. It was not easy. We have many friends who wanted the same -- including some straight friends -- who had to go the adoption route because they were never able to conceive for one reason or another.

Which leads me to something that dawned on me late last week while I was praying one morning. I am not going to say that I heard a "voice" while I was praying, but something happened that made me come to a HUGE realization about our kids... As always, I start off my prayers by thanking God for all of the blessings in our lives. And those three kids are a huge blessing. I have always believed that about them and have always verbally expressed it. But while I was saying that in my prayer -- or after I said it -- I stopped speaking and as I allowed my thoughts to wander around that idea for a moment I has this very clear thought in my head about how thinking of our children as a blessing was actually very selfish -- yes, they are a blessing to be so very grateful for, but they are more than that... For the first time ever I started to understand that God trusted us (me and my W) with these three precious souls. They are a blessing -- but they are also more than that... We have been blessed and trusted by God to raise these children. There was never any promise that either of us would be able to get pregnant and we all certainly know of people who are never able to get pregnant or adopt or have children in any other way. The odds were against us -- especially since we were both in our late 30s. God chose the two of us to bring these three souls into the world -- and that is a HUGE responsibility. So my praying has shifted after I realized all of this... I am now praying very hard for God to help my W so that she can be the kind of parent that our children need. Of course, I always pray for a miracle around our R/M, but at the very least she needs to become healthier for the kids even if there is no hope for us as a couple.

But back to your other point -- our kids were no "accident" -- so the MLC BS is just that... My W in her MLC likes to say that she never really loved me, which I know is BS because she is too smart to have ever spent this many years AND gone through the process of having children with someone that she never really loved.

[Jer2911]

In such an emotional hurricane today -- despite all of my best efforts to avoid it... including a session with my therapist this afternoon where I just could not talk about much without crying -- and I haven't broken down into tears in my therapist's office since early November...

Honestly, right now -- if I could afford the house that is for sale down the street I would buy it in a heartbeat because I just don't want to deal with her when she gets back. If the person coming home tomorrow night is the same person who left this house 9 days ago, then I just don't want to be around her.

I know -- this is all just emotion and what I am feeling right now and with more inner work I can get over it and be stronger... But this is just how I feel right at this moment. There is so much anger surfacing right now... Arrrrggggghhhh!

In all likelihood, the exact same person is coming home tomorrow and I just have to deal with it... Grrrr...

The song going through my head right now: Never Again by Kelly Clarkson :-)

Okay -- need to finish some things up and go upstairs so I can just do some quiet reading, spend some time in prayer and pray very hard to feel more peace and strength around all of this, and then get some rest... Tomorrow is a busy day with much to get done during the day and after school with kids' activities. I hope all of the stuff I need to get done will occupy my mind during the day and help relieve some of the anxiety at least during the day.

Mantra at the moment:: The Lord is my shepherd, I WILL be okay...

[BklynMom]

This is such hard stuff and you are doing so amazing.

3 months after the bomb in my case I was barely functioning. I had my mom or a sitter coming over almost everyday to help.

I was going to therapy twice a week and alanon 3/4 days a week.

Healing from this grief is really really hard.

Go easy on yourself.

You are doing all the right things ... Praying, therapy.

Do you get enough sleep?

Most importantly never ever beat yourself up about feeling down.

It's so amazing that you are able to pray that she heals enough to be a fit parent for the kids. That is really wonderful. I do believe of anyone can wake these people up its the kids.

[CaliGuy]

Jer

Yeah you are spinning a bit, I feel it ... only reasons is .. I have been there. I would spin on my way to drop S off at her new place, I would spin upon entering the place, this is normal. Give yourself some credit .... you were Hiroshima'd and you are still dazed from the fall out and trying to deal with being a good parnet while still struggling with the emotional stuff thrown in for good measure.

So lets get you thinking about something else ... the DB stuff still pertains to us over here in MLC-ville, at times I think we forget that as its really easy to toss on a "I'm with the MLC'r----->" T shirt and call it a day. Are you doing any GAL's? I think out of the 3 (PMA,180,GAL's) the GAL for use LBS of the MLC variety is the most important ... I realize you have your hands full with the kids ... I have included my S in my GAL activities. He has finally learned to ride his bike .. so he rides while his dad jogs/dies beside him. I also think of things we can do out ... his baseball started up, as my football and softball games .. we support each other .. Think of things you can do that are good for you and your soul if you can not get out alone.

The prayer thing. Reading about your moment made me think of something I heard about .. have done several times (not as many as I'd like but need to). So if you can, get outside ... start with just your basic prayer of thanking Him for His Blessings. Then ask for him to give you clarity and strength, after that ... just take 5-10 minutes and sit in silence, let your mind body and soul just be, sometimes you can get a better feel what He wants from you if you can get quiet and hear Him.

Rooting you on ... you are doing great.

[Jer2911]

Definitely getting enough sleep -- thanks to the meds that my doc has me taking :-)

Staying very busy today -- just doing as much around the house as I possibly can before I have to take D7 to a doctor's appointment this afternoon. Staying busy helps with the anxiety.

Thanks for the words of support. Everyone around me seems to think I am handling this better than I think I am... Trying hard to not beat myself up about slipping up on parenting or when I feel down. I know that I should expect to continue to have some rollercoaster moments.

I know I've said this before, but I don't think any of us could say this enough... I hate MLC and what it does to families.

Later today I will start a new thread since it looks like I'm close to 100 posts on this one... :-)

[Jer2911]

Jer

Yeah you are spinning a bit, I feel it ... only reasons is .. I have been there. I would spin on my way to drop S off at her new place, I would spin upon entering the place, this is normal. Give yourself some credit .... you were Hiroshima'd and you are still dazed from the fall out and trying to deal with being a good parnet while still struggling with the emotional stuff thrown in for good measure.

So lets get you thinking about something else ... the DB stuff still pertains to us over here in MLC-ville, at times I think we forget that as its really easy to toss on a "I'm with the MLC'r----->" T shirt and call it a day. Are you doing any GAL's? I think out of the 3 (PMA,180,GAL's) the GAL for use LBS of the MLC variety is the most important ... I realize you have your hands full with the kids ... I have included my S in my GAL activities. He has finally learned to ride his bike .. so he rides while his dad jogs/dies beside him. I also think of things we can do out ... his baseball started up, as my football and softball games .. we support each other .. Think of things you can do that are good for you and your soul if you can not get out alone.

The prayer thing. Reading about your moment made me think of something I heard about .. have done several times (not as many as I'd like but need to). So if you can, get outside ... start with just your basic prayer of thanking Him for His Blessings. Then ask for him to give you clarity and strength, after that ... just take 5-10 minutes and sit in silence, let your mind body and soul just be, sometimes you can get a better feel what He wants from you if you can get quiet and hear Him.

Rooting you on ... you are doing great.

CaliGuy -- Thanks so much for the words of encouragement :-)

Yes -- definitely trying to GAL as much as possible. For example, just got back from a fun lunch with a good friend who works at the school district admin building. We had lunch at the building -- which kills a couple of birds with one stone: 1) Puts me in a position to run into people who might be hiring and 2) gives my friend and I some time to just chat and give each other support for our own situations (she also recently ended R with her W and they have a son together)... And we are trying to schedule these lunches weekly because we both enjoy them and because it gives me more opportunities to meet folks at the district. Also trying to spend quality time with the kids as part of my GAL'ing :-)

I love the prayer idea -- thank you so much for sharing that with me. I am definitely going to try that starting today. :-)

From here on out, posting on my new thread: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2534633&page=1