Separated about a month, now what?

[Zelda09]

We started chatting via text recently. He's still many states away. During one of the texts on the first day of communication again, he said somewhat randomly that he was angry about so many things, the kind of anger that taints everything he believed in about us. I asked him to write me about it, which he did...I took a long time to digest and tried to validate all 23 items in it, in a response. Everything has been tearing me up pretty bad, I can see a lot of the ways he felt so alone - very much like Michele's article on this site, Where were you when I needed you?
He never replied, and later I asked him if he read it - he just said he didn't know what he could say.

I opened up about some of the realizations I'm having, separately, the work I'm doing with a counselor. To which he responded with his support, but was also careful to say he wishes me happiness but doesn't have much to do with that right now. I am careful to ask him not to come home, for answers he doesn't have...once when we were dating we broke up briefly. I remember he made these dire statements, something in the similar vein, there's no hope, etc., and it was like he was pushing me to the edge to argue and battle for the worth of our relationship and prove otherwise -which I did then - and we ended up talking it out. I don't think this is the same situation, but I am tempted to see his hopeless statements as a cry for help he wants me to say something to...but I am not. Maybe I should? I think he knows I wanted him to stay in town and continue going to counseling, I said as much weeks ago. I don't think pushing it will help.

I am trying just to communicate, positively, kindly, and sometimes lightly. He initiated a call on Christmas yesterday but his sign off kind of broke my heart...'takecare, W.' I shouldn't expect anything more.

I am thinking of asking him to be my date on New Year's. The counselor asked us to date 2x a week, but since he's gone on a perm vacation out of state, that's not happening. What do you all think?

[Calibri]

What does your IC say?

Did you ask him to be your date?

I thought the trip was only six weeks? Has it moved into permanent territory?

[Zelda09]

I see the IC on Monday...

I asked him to be a NY date after a very aloof but kind call from him on Christmas. The sign off is the worst, and he's used it in emails - takecare.

He waffled. Said he didn't trust a sudden turn around of mine, didn't want to force anything. I told him I understood.

I waited several days and I couldn't figure out if I was in LRT territory or if I really needed to put it out there as part of a 180. So I didn't want regrets that I sat on the fence. I wrote him a long letter explaining what he meant to me, what I loved about him, what I took responsibility for in this decline, what I knew I could change in our interactions, and what I was committed to changing over the long haul - many things like controlling tendencies, listening, etc. What I would need from him, that he identified at the last MC session. How I was afraid all the prescription pain and sleep drugs he was on were a 3rd player in the room. How I saw it coming back together slowly one day at a time if we both were willing.

Well, at least I tried. I got a very angry response. He said I needed more therapy, I couldn't really mean anything I said and he was interested only in protecting himself. Later he wrote again after he re-read it and said he couldn't see that I could be the person he wanted in his life. And then - this baffles me - signed off with a memory he had of me that made him smile and 'take care'. I think he is just being cruel at this point and enjoying the power to jab. I think I made the mistake of not STFU and responded with something about how I had to hear what he was saying and start moving on with my life - but being baffled about how he can say I'm not the person he wants after six years.

So, I've been legitimately ridding the house as much as I can of reminders of him ever since. And then this s*&^ last night, he sends me a youtube video covering one of his favorite topics. I respond with a real short, cool you want to have a conversation about it later?

He emails me this morning to say that he sent me the video because 'he thinks I have issues with the topic. I have to be independent before we can talk about your relationship with me. I don't trust you to be concerned with who I am. I'm filled with anger and regret. I needed people and you hated me for reaching out (I assume this is the EA he started or me pointin g out that all the texting he did with people and being frustrated with them for not responding wasn't going to ease loneliness - I DID want him to get out of the house, so WTF?) I want to talk to other people. I don't want to talk to you. You want me to have a career and I can't get out of bed. I need to be me and you're not interested, and I can't bare your attempts."

And this deserves no response as far as I'm concerned. I think I'm done. When he left I really felt like we were having some great dates and conversations, he was seriously warming up. Every week he gets more and more distant and angry up there. I did a little solution journal - time in each others presence - good. Emails - bad. Pursuing - some of each. Obviously the pursuing I've done has pushed him away.

I'm angry all over again. He told me he didn't understand the point of marriage years ago and I wanted what I wanted. He's always had an ambivalence about work and a poor me no one loves me complex. H

[Zelda09]

I thought I could prove to him how many ways he shines and be the work horse in the meantime until he found his purpose (pre-accident) just to be with this beautiful man that made me so happy in so many little ways. In the end, his low self esteem, depression and unwillingness to really engage with the world - his unhappiness is going to follow him everywhere no matter how many times he runs out on his own life (I thought that was just something he did in his 20's a couple times. Guess not.) I wish him all the luck in finding himself. It's the only way we stand a chance but I am over being the scapegoat having his unhappiness land in my lap for not being what he wants in his life. I wasn't perfect but at least I'm trying to own what I can. I don't want to receive another email or text again that makes me feel like I meant so little and am worth so little. It's just disturbing. I am more and more convinced the Oxy is at work here - emotional withdrawal, detachment, anger, irritability, paranoia. Clinical depression which he's been diagnosed with. I am never going to have the family I wanted and that's a grief in of itself. I don't want to take care of him and watch him go down the slide of learned helplessness his mother went down before she was institutionalized. All she wanted was to be a human pet, cared for with sugar and rainbows in her life and she wasn't willing to work for any of it either, neglecting reality, and hid her addictions until she was a shell of a person. I know that's a fear of mine but I think he's all too willing to be in need of care-taking for the rest of is life.

They say ask yourself if you would want this kind of relationship for your daughter. They say ask yourself if you would pick him out all over again. I can't see it right now. I'm done, the ball is in his court and he can go run with it if he wants. I am better than this. He can go not get out of bed in someone else's house.

[NLS]

Zelda09 - Somehow of all the people to find my post you found it and I just updated my post with the realization that my husband is still taking Oxy too. He sought treatment last November and I thought things were going well only to find out he never really withdrew or did and started back up again.

I have to say if you know he has a problem with Oxy, you have to start protecting you. My counselor has really helped me with this. Maybe you need a new counselor one that is just yours. I picked someone who is a marriage counselor but well versed in drug abuse. Not because I am the user but because I know my husband was using and now I know he is still using. My biggest problem is that I am too nice, I always give people the benefit of the doubt even when the problem is staring me in the face, and I always look for the positive. No that glass is not half empty it is half full kind of person.

I spent the first month never defying gravity, not sleeping, barely eating, vomiting what I did eat, but by the second month I was like enough is enough who wants someone who doesn't want to even get out of bed? I would love to save my marriage of over 12 years, but I realize that I can't compete with the drugs especially now that I have confirmation that he is still using them. I have to protect me and in my case I have kids. You want kids but right now is not the time given the sitch.

Pick one thing you haven't done in years that you really enjoyed doing and GO DO IT!!! I went dancing with friends last weekend. It felt wrong the whole way there. Even when I got inside I felt like I stuck out like a sore thumb. One of my GF's gave me a shot of something called a fireball (tasted like a red hot). Loosened me up and next thing I know, I am laughing, dancing, telling jokes, and I was me again. Maybe yours isn't dancing it is something else. JUST GO DO IT!!!

After the hubby dropped the bomb, I signed up for a social club for singles called event and adventures. They take separated people too even though as long as you are living apart. I'm signed up for a members mixer next Wednesday. The kids my 16 year old and 6 year old are both going with Dad tonight so I'm thinking of going to the event tonight which is a live band at Wild Wing Café, which I have never been to.

As a couple, we used to do so many fun things together but in the last several years nothing. This club holds events for things I like to do. Thinking of salsa dancing on the 21st, never done that but I sure would like to. They are doing a game show night on the 23rd for wheel of fortune which I LOVE LOVE LOVE that game and I'm good at it so I might do that too.

I miss being around people that aren't my kids and not my husband. Right now, I'm being amicable. It is hard cause it is like he is a functioning addict... He works and makes good money but he's popping pills, acting erratically, etc.

I don't think I have seen one post that says you did something for you yet. Get a mani/pedi, get your hair done, buy a new dress and get your butt out of the house. Nab a friend so you don't chicken out and just go for it. It will make you feel so much better. That one night alone changed my entire outlook. I feel better about me, I know I'm still desirable because I was hit on several times, and I let loose and had fun. If nothing else, it is part of keeping your sanity.