Mozza (6) + List of success stories

[Mozza]

Wow, those are some very kind words. I'm surprised that my changes are visible on this board. Many many thanks, Vanilla, Complex, TLEE86, Card29, Vapo, and jim0987. I've read your words several times.

Here are the things I learnt at and since BD.

1) Speak with my actions. When I catch myself about to say something about who I am, how I think, my values, etc, I shut up and demonstrate it. I enjoy it greatly because it feels genuine. It's the same with an apology: I make it short and I make sure to be careful next time rather than come up with an excuse. Also, I observe my actions to define who I am. It's more demanding.

2) Let go. Now that I've the opposite of control over my W, I've no choice but to let her do everything she wants her own way. It's been liberating. Oh, in the moment, I wish I could influence her, but over time it feels much better to have accepted things be done differently and that we get along.

3) STFU. On this board and looking at old emails between my W and me, I see that my desire to clarify and nuance everything got in the way. It restarted arguments that were settled, it dragged on discussions while we could have used the energy elsewhere.

If my W gives me as much as a thought, she probably thinks I'm like this either because I'm in a crisis (her explanation before she moved out) or because we're no longer in a couple. I realize it takes time and it's my fault for needing this crisis to understand these things quickly. I won't know how durable those changes are until I'm in a R, but in the meantime I realized that I can practice these changes with the people around me. Fake it until you become it -- I believe this.

I can't bring myself to be thankful for 2014 though. I don't have this wisdom yet. I've suffered too much and feel like there are other ways I could have made such progress, if slower. There's no way I will use such shock therapy on people around me to teach them anything important. So if I'm not grateful, at least I recognize the benefits of this trial.