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I need help.....

I was reluctant going to MC (mediation) today because I was worried that the wife would really start to push changing the schedule with the kids now that she's in a new house. Well I was right, the first thing she says what she wanted to have the kids week on week off. The issue with this is I don't think that this is the best thing for the kids, but anytime I try to talk to her about it she gets angry and tells me I'm withholding the kids from her. So I tried today to talk to her as gently as possible and let her understand that I don't mind changing the schedule but I don't think a full week on and off is a good idea.

The issue is as soon as I say that she just will not talk to me about anything and will not have a conversation about what is good for the kids and how we both feel. She is really, really timid talking to me, to the point that it appears almost like someone who has been victimized. I will say this has never ever happened, there's never been any sort of violence, anger anything at all in our marriage. So the marriage counselor, I think, realizes that and is trying to get us to talk outside of counseling but she refuses. I try to have a conversation during counseling and she's not interested. I'd like to just sit back and give her space but she's trying to make me make these decisions about long-term solutions for the kids. I just don't know what to do. I said today that I'm fine changing the schedule so that she can have more weekdays if she wants to be involved with their school, but she keeps saying that the week on week off is pretty much what she wants. I'd like to talk to her about maybe having the other person pick up the kids for dinner once or twice a week or something like that but she wants no contact at all with me.

It is truly like I don't know this person at all. All I want to do is to talk about the kids and have an interchange but she refuses. So that gets me more reserved about making any decisions with the kids because she won't even tell me how to communicate with her and have a conversation. All she does is say if I have something to talk about with the kids to email her. Then I found out today that she's telling people that I refuse to let her see the kids. This is BS, everything that she's asked for I've tried to accommodate. I just don't know where to go from here that she wants me to make decisions about the future of our kids will not talk to me at all about it.


M:36 W:37
T: 15 M:11
S6 D5
BD: 8/10/14
IDLY: 8/12/14
S: 8/13/14 (she left, I stayed w/ kids)
D Mentioned: 10/15/14
Confronted about OM: 10/15/14
EA: ~4/13 PA: ~10/13
She filed: 8/15 (not final)
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 1,532
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Have you done any research on the ideal time split for the kids? Maybe there's a help line where you live? Google it. Also, you can find info online about the time split. I'm concerned you've painted yourself in a corner with W and won't change your mind on principle, regardless of what you find.

Your W's attitude is baffling, from what you report. All I can advise is to take note of it and not expect anything different. She's definitely not herself. Look at Card29's W who's attitude in the last few months suddenly made sense when she revealed her A. Yours will have a different explanation, but I mean that you don't have enough info to make sense of it. Still, it's really strange that you have one of the most"fearful" wife yet no explanation even for the S. I really wish we'll know more one day!


M39 D6 D3 (at S)
S 2014-09
D 2016-09

"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
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Mozza,

I understand what you are saying, but I think my main concern is the total dysfunctional communication that we have.

At first, I had some huge trust issues, I actually thought the first weekend that she left then wanted the kids after disappearing for over a week and didn't want to tell me where she was taking them or when she was going to bring them back that she had some sort of emotional breakdown and I was actually fearing for their safety. That was a horrible feeling. Mainly I felt there was something seriously wrong, because the BD was so unexpected for everyone and she went from 0-60 within a day would start to work on Reconcile than change back day after day during BD week (found out later she was talking to OM each day at work.) Then weeks later, I found out about OM, and all of the things she did with the kids to put him first before, during and after the S and that then wrecked my trust even more.

I've told her this at mediation and said that it would take a while for me to begin trusting her because she's admitted that she's been deceiving me and everyone else over the last year (as well as other EA's that I had no clue over the last 15 years.) I have felt my trust in her is getting better but to be honest; she's so different I'm not sure if what's she's doing is being done upon advice from her Lawyer on how to counteract 'abandonment.' I was told by her BF that she never realized that she could be accountable for that by just up and disappearing. She literally looked into my D4's eyes, said bye and got in the car and disappeared for days. As far as abandonment, she' doing exactly what she would need to come back from totally leaving the kids behind....keep paying bills, make an effort to be with the kids, try and make the time a true 50/50 and go to counseling.

So over-analyzing, mind-reading, trying to make sense of it all below. I haven't shared most of this on the board, because it doesn't matter in DB, because its in the past. But for the most part, I've pieces this together knowing the W and her personality, how our M was before/after kids and the M for the last year, and some things that she said to me when we did connect. I've come up with this....


So, she pretty much admitted to me that for the month prior to BD; she was trying everything to get OM to leave his GF and be with her instead. The hotel room, texting pictures, buying stuff for him, etc. I think he said 'no' and W decided that instead of facing me on this A that ended and I had no clue, it was better to leave. We never talked about how infidelity would affect our M ever, but her BFF got cheated on and when she found out did an accelerated D. I also think she thought leaving me would push him over the edge to leave GF. Then the House purchase (within 1/4 mile of OM) and ~30 minutes from D4 Daycare and S5 School was another push to make it easy for him to leave. There's a bunch more pursuit I saw when I was trying to figure this all out that definitely showed that she was 'all in' on trying to get him.

I think not confronting me about the A for over a year is where the 'fear' and 'paranoia' came in about me, she held the secret from everyone including BFF's. I think if she felt that if she told me I'd go ballistic, I'd tell everyone what happened and she'd get a Scarlet Letter. Well, after I told her I knew about OM (and screwed up and told her our friends had to convince me that there was an A,) she told me 'everything' (which I'm sure is not everything) and I said "Ok, I understand that we got into this....let's try to see if we can make it work." Which caused her to open a little, but then realize she wasn't ready to give up on him (I said I didn't want to be 'Plan B') or ever prepare to go back to our M. So, now that's still not working and she still thinks if I find out more of what and how long things have happened that I'll go ballistic, (or worse yet for her, say I'm still willing to work on M) but doesn't want to tell me because she's still thinking there's no turning back.

Anyway, to me it seems we still have that emotional connection to share things and it makes her vulnerable to opening up more than she's comfortable doing, so she's avoiding it at all costs. Then, she's a very motivated person to follow through on what she starts and I think that's where she's trying to keep herself convinced that she left all because of me and not because she tried to start a formal R with OM and it fell through. Found out today she stopped talking to BFF's again about the sitch and has moved on to 'other friends' that are helping her out (i.e. OM and GF)

Lastly, I think I struggled with what went wrong in M because at first I was looking at the last year. Well, I look back now at the time the A started and it was a rough 6 months or so for the M. I was busy at work, she was overwhelmed, kids were a handful, etc. I remember her telling me things to change and I did, but I think the A had taken hold by the time I changed and she was starting to emotionally check out even though M got better (confirmed by W through a friend.) At that time, its seems like depression may have started to kick in because of what she was doing and her self esteem dropped because she was leading 2 lives. So even though I changed, it was too late and when she BD'd she said she felt guilty all the time when she's around me (which I think was a symptom of hiding the A.) But I bought it during BD and it was an easy out of the M for her because I was so clueless.

Anyway, sorry but today, it's good to write this down. Days like today I start to believe that I'm the horrible person she says I am; but looking back through here; I have a responsibility in the destruction of our M, but not solely. That helps my mood tonight, I guess.


M:36 W:37
T: 15 M:11
S6 D5
BD: 8/10/14
IDLY: 8/12/14
S: 8/13/14 (she left, I stayed w/ kids)
D Mentioned: 10/15/14
Confronted about OM: 10/15/14
EA: ~4/13 PA: ~10/13
She filed: 8/15 (not final)
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 545
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Mozza,

I talked to the MC about an 'ideal' schedule for kids that age. He said there really is none, but to maintain consistency.

Also, I'm being a Debbie Downer today, because there were a few good things about our session.

A) MC suggested that we bring in the kids to a session. Mainly because W says kids a resilient and fine. I say they're doing okay given circumstances, but emotionally struggling. W said that them telling us things about getting back together was most likely them trying to manipulate us to get what they want. I half agree sometimes, but that's not the case all the time. S5 came home from school today with a drawing of Mom, Dad, S5, D4, Dog. With one roof over all of us. He said, look Dad, I made this picture for Mom....Mommy's back home with us and we're all together.

B) while in the beginning of the session she said she felt our level of communication was just find for us co-parenting, by the end with the MC prodding; she admitted that when we talk together it reduces both of our stress and tensions about the sitch and talking helps us clear up miscommunications


M:36 W:37
T: 15 M:11
S6 D5
BD: 8/10/14
IDLY: 8/12/14
S: 8/13/14 (she left, I stayed w/ kids)
D Mentioned: 10/15/14
Confronted about OM: 10/15/14
EA: ~4/13 PA: ~10/13
She filed: 8/15 (not final)
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,720
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Hi MCS. Sounds like a difficult position. I'd love to have great advice for you.

My wife won't budge on anything kid related (just says that she is standing up for herself and spouts some stuff about research she's done - usual implys I'm unstable at the same time). Its very difficult to agree with someone who won't negotiate.

As for the fear/trust thing it makes it so hard and everything way more tense than it needs to be, which then triggers whatever the fear was


Both mid 30s, 2 young kids
BD 7sep14
XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1
D paperwork in progress
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 1,942
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MCS / Jim

this is a difficult one. Jim you know the time I've had so far and theres a long road ahead, MCS not sure if youve read through my thread(s) but as a precis I didnt have the best relationship with my s due to distancing with my w and the usual nonsense we convince ourselves is important until we realise it isnt. One of the main reasons W quoted in leaving was the (lack of) relationship with my s and him not knowing where he stood with me. I've worked very, very hard on that and have gone from w keeping s away for 4 weeks to him now staying with me at least once a week for a night, very occasionally 2.

Anyway thats background but my point is that w is very, very controlling as she puts out feelings that she's still being convinced the obvious changes in me are permanent and that those that affect s wont flip back. Any time I raise discussion on s visiting for more than one night she says she doesnt want "to set a precedent" for him (always emphasised) so he wont pester her to stay with me. Interestingly whenever the subject of week on/off is raised its by w who then strikes it down as being in the far future. Me I've only mentioned it the once way,way back in August in a fog when I hadnt seen him.

I suggested councelling for s, offered to set it up and us all go so it was clear this wasnt an agenda thing, no dice from w.

So enough of my waffling, I think your idea of councelling sounds good, keep it very open and I'd suggest - only suggest - that you let the councellor and kids drive the discussion that way its clear this is only about them and their wellfare and happiness which is clearly what everyone wants.

Only my .02 of course.

Take care

Edz

Last edited by edz; 01/07/15 10:51 AM. Reason: I cant spell

M:44, W:46, S:10
M 13 years, T 15
BD:23/7/2014
W/S Moved to MIL: 23/7/2014
My new place: 21/11/2014
W/S back to flat 22/11/2014
W coming closer, talking 4/2015
Piecing 5/2015
Moving in again 6/2015
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