Blindsided and on my own (10)

[SunnyB]

Do you like having a live christmas tree? Through the years my pets have all but destroyed my tree and I was thinking of going to live trees next year.

Yes, I do like a live tree, I've never had anything else. Growing up, my dad and I went out in the woods and chopped down our own tree. When I moved to South Florida and had to go buy one, I was appalled at the price. But I wouldn't do it any other way. To me, an artificial tree just wouldn't be the same.

I got two kittens a couple months ago, though, and they are very playful. We will see how my tree fares this year with them in the house. A long time ago when I had both cats and toddlers, I had to anchor the Christmas tree to the wall.

[labug]

Just voicing my opinion and trying to make you think a little. I totally get the holidays. And I totally get living through the eearly days. Keep up the good work and I will keep nagging you ;-)

What would you have her do, bdub?

What is her H getting that you think he should be denied? He deserves access to his family so I'm having trouble picking up what you're laying down.

Life will give him whatever consequences he needs. It may not be now and it may not be visible but that's really not our business.

Help me understand your viewpoint.

rpp,I think you're doing a great job and I think this is giving you an opportunity to really think about what kind of life you want for you. Bravo!

I also read your response to K girl about finding another man "at your age." Interesting things happen in this process and you may find that you are very happy just as you are right now. There is no rule that we can only be happy attached to a man. Before my H and I decided to date again, I as perfectly happy in my life. I did miss having someone to do things with (dinner, movies, trips) but not enough to seek someone out. I figured when the right person came along, the right person would come along. I could do these things alone or with friends. I really had to think hard about upsetting my new, free, single life. I got married at 22, so I hadn't had much of that.

Stretch your wings a little and fly a bit.

[bdub]

Labug,
In my opinion he is getting exactly what he wants. He wants family time so he gets it. If he wants OW time he gets it. I am not saying to punish him or cut him off completely. I think he will never want to change his current arrangment because he has the best of it all right now.

I disagree that H desreves access to his family. I think he deserves access to his CHILDREN. He left his wife.

I guess it all boils down to the fact that I think H is cake eating.
However, I am not there so I dont know the entire situation. If this is working for everyone then I say keep it up. However, reading through the boards I have found no one that has "niced" their WAS back.

I worry that rpp is in denial and is trying to hold the family together instead of allowing H to S. I have heard her say many times on here she doesn't want her old M. However, it seems like nothing is changing. It seems like she is just sticking her head in the sand and pretending everything is ok. I know, thats over simplified but thats my view point.

Does that make it easier to smoke what I'm rollin ?

[Underdog]

bdub,

Does that make it easier to smoke what I'm rollin ?

LOL, nope. And I live in a state where it's legal.

You're distinguishing wife and family. To their children, their is no delineation. rpp IS family. No matter if she stays married to her H or they divorce, they still have a family.

I realize I'm speaking for those of us who eventually divorced. Yet, I stayed this course for 2 years for 2 reasons: 1) for better or for worse meant something to me; and 2) our children. Although I'm divorced, I have no regrets about doing what I felt was "the right thing" for our family.

Simple kindness is something that nobody can ever take away from you. I can look myself in the mirror and feel proud of the road I've taken. My kids are much better off because of it. I've been divorced for almost 10 years, but my XH and I still share holidays together, still go to kid's events together, and while I realize that this is horribly unconventional and out of the norm, we still travel together. Hell, yesterday we officially updated our wills and kept each other as the executor and medical and legal POAs. I know that's not typical. But since I travel in a group of college volleyball parents who are divorced who do the same damn thing, I know we're not *that* weird.

We don't have ex sex or have a relationship that is abstract or laden with innuendoes either. We're friends who co-parent amiably.

Very often, parents that cut off the other parent are "rewarded" by the walk away parent walking away altogether. This isn't to say it wouldn't happen anyway. But why be the instigator in a situation that might not go that route if you can avoid it? If rpp can make it comfortable enough for him to co-parent much more actively and cooperatively, why wouldn't she do that if he's willing to *be* that parent?

Things *are* changing. He may never come home to accept his role as a husband, but he will always be the father of her children. And personally, I think he deserves a fair shot at stepping up to function that way. Sometimes the only gift we have to offer others--especially those who hurt us--is to give them the benefit of the doubt. Even when they are not returning the favor.

rpp is a spiritual and religious person, and I'm sure she fully embraces the concept of whatever you do for others, you do for me. It's not a position of denial, bdub. She's allowing her children's needs and wants to have a say in how she executes. If it harms HER in any way, I'm pretty sure that she has people here who have her back--including you--to help her see that.

But right now, I think the gift she can give all of them is to let this holiday season be as typical for everyone as she can. They've never been apart as a family before, and it's going to take the next 11 months for her to figure out a long term solution for all of them. Mine left January 3. We had all year to figure stuff out, and we still wound up not happy with the first pass.

FYI, when my XH, D17 and I traveled to NY to watch our D20 play in a college volleyball tournament, we all walked to a restaurant together (along with other people). My D20 said, "We look like a real family!" And her dad replied, "Your mom and I may be divorced from each other, but we are still family." He had quite a few people clap for him for that. Because it's true.

Anyway, that's my take... FWIW.

Betsey

p.s. The only reason my XH and I can do those things together is because I allowed them to happen. It all started with a simple gesture of kindness on my part. My girls truly appreciate having access to both of us without worrying about hurting the other's feelings. I'm beyond thrilled that we could do that for them.

[labug]

OK, I understand but I disagree.

I think he's seeing his family and by family I meant kids. rpp can decide to see him or not.
It's the holidays, not an easy time to make big sweeping family changes.

After the initial anger, I was nice to my H. I had some boundaries but I treated him like a friendly neighbor and the father of my sons.

He came back.

Every situation is different.

Sorry to be talking like you're not in the room, rpp. ((( )))

[SunnyB]

Actually sometimes being a fly on the wall
is very educational