Confusion is getting better, I think...

[Okabe]

Well I was just stupid.
After taking a bunch of steps towards GAL (setting up a mandolin lesson and IC for next week) I go and step in it.
I mention to W that I'd be gone a bunch on Monday. That I had my lesson and an appointment. She asks me what for and I tell her: counseling. She looked genuinely surprised. "Oh really?"
I told her I needed to deal with some things. That I still didn't know what she wanted and that was hard to deal with. I ask her what she wants: she says: "I don't know."
I ask her don't you want things to get better?
She says: "it's the way its always been".
I told her bul#$@p. That is not true
She replies : "ok. It doesn't matter."
I ask: "don't you want things to be closer, better?"
She replies (with a flat face) :"it doesn't matter".

And that remained her answer.
This was textbook of what not to do. I feel stupid for walking through that door.
Time to back off. I am sure of this. I have no idea of her thinking about our M.
She seems resigned to an affectionless, distant M as far as I can tell.

[Okabe]

At least I didn't get over sad and panicky like I normally would have.
I told her that I didn't agree with her.
So that's something I guess.

[Okabe]

This is the sad thing: while she is not wrong in that we had problems with affection, there was affection there. There was closeness. There were genuine warm feelings. I can see what is said about a spouse "re-writing" history in their minds, because she has done just that. She doesn't seem angry or hurt by it, just resigned. She only gives me a flat affect in response to the questions I posed last night. She acts as if it just doesn't matter. I have a hard time believing it doesn't affect her in any way.
I wonder if she is just deciding to do nothing at this point so she can take no blame. If she tries something and it fails then she'd have to take both that risk and failure if it didn't work. She instead she takes the "safe" route of doing nothing.
I don't get this...

[Okabe]

Thinking about it this morning and realizing that I am still attached to the outcome.
I keep thinking about detaching, but am not doing it right. I still focus on the outcome of "fixing" my M. Not all the time,but I do come back to that.
I need to not be so concerned about the outcome of my actions for the marriage, but to improve myself. That way no matter what happens there is a positive outcome of mentally and emotionally being in a better place.
This has been a hard process for me.