Oh AJ, I know, I know! It still is difficult. I understand this, but it's still uncomfortable.
Thanks wonka! You were in my head tonight... I kept thinking.... Do be the sirens... She's got that covered.
I see two steps forward, one step back. We talked very briefly when he got back. He was there 2hrs. I was pretty quite, mainly bc I just thought he wanted to talk. Since I'm pretty much quiet when I sleep.... (Scratch that... I talk and yell in my sleep, and honest to God, I laugh in my sleep more than anything- since I was little!).... He thought something was wrong.
But we both agreed that we need to take things slowly. He is so overwhelmed and I think he sees himself rushing and wants to tap the breaks. I said that I wasn't ready to go so fast and that I felt he was making assumptions of things that we hadn't discussed.
We agreed that right now, the focus is on the kids. However, I can tell he needs me now, but he is very scared, confused, and this baby sitch has got him very overwhelmed. He's kind of freaking out. And of course, she is wanting him to pay to take care if her.... Blah, blah.... She does not get that he is not responsible for HER! Just the baby, if it's his, but those are her meal tickets. Oh, and she tried using her son, again, to guilt him... Oh he misses you and keeps asking about you.... Uhhhh..... What about when she took this little kid away from HIS dad so she could participate in breaking up a family.
Rant over. She is toxic and unhealthy.
Freakin $hiz... If this is his.... OMG..... What an eternity of disaster.... I realize why he is freaking out...
Oh yeah, he said, just stay as strong as you have been.
It's like he has no emotional energy to put into a r now, and that stresses him. Hey, I totally get it. I wasn't pressuring- but I think he could sense I as a little agitated when he said he was going there.
But he called me to let me know before he went. He texted when he left, then called immediately after. We talked briefly (he's at capacity now with "dealing"), and texted me a little bit ago, "Don't worry, be happy! Night"
I think he is looking to me for strength. Regardless of what I want, will want (all a ??), I feel I need to give it to him. I can do this. I've held it down before. I can continue to do this and help him, too. Like gently holding his hand through these murky and rough waters. He needs someone and he is looking to me. Not for a r right now, but to have his back. Help give him strength and guidance. He needs to guide himself, but I can walk quietly with him. I think that's what he needs. I need to keep expectations at zero. To continue to strengthen myself.
Thanks, guys, for so much support. It means the world to me.
I admire your desire and ability to have his back after all that has happened. And to try to have no expectations along that ride is more that I could give, I think. How are you doing that? Meow will you keep your expectations in check? I'm amazed at your strength and tenacity.
I seriously don't think I could do it. (((Hugs))). You're an incredible woman, mighty. Incredible.
How could you not be his friend through this? I mean, you could wash your hands of it, but I don't think that's the real you vs. being his friend and enforcing your boundaries. Quietly. Lovingly. And with the grace you have inside you.
No matter how things turn out, Mighty, I doubt you could just coldly walk away. Ss, you too. Humans are funny creatures, but we don't (normally) just discard somebody we love. Hard as that is to think that somebody did that to you, doesn't mean we return same. It would lessen our own humanity if we did.
Get some sleep, Mighty!
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
