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Zew,I have to admit my greatest fear is controlling my anger. My commitment to the D is really based on my anger at being tricked, or at least stupidly unaware of what was really going on in my life. Fortunately, I had seen the 180 rules from a friend of mine going through the same issues last year, so I haven't (so far) expressed my anger in front of the family.

One thing the L also mentioned was to limit my business travel and spend as much time in town as possible, perhaps offering to volunteer at the Ds school (which I do as a security consultant). He said that was an excellent way to stay active and visible in their lives.

At this point, managing my anger and being more supportive to my Ds are the biggest projects in my life right now.

Any other thoughts would be really appreciated


M 21 T 24
D 17 D 15
Bomb: 11/5/14
Wife moved out 11/25/14
Started D by mediation 11/25/14
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 1,121
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Hi,

I am sorry for the situation you are in. The best advice I can give you is to speak with a Divorce Busting Coach today. Divorce Busting coaches will give you the best guidance on how to save your marriage and get things moving in a more positive direction. There is much that can be done!


Cristy
Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004


A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.

Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
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I am in my house with my kids. STBXW chose to leave. I will owe her some amount when this is final. The kids are in stable place where they hsve always lived. They visit or stay over with their mom as they choose. But this is home. See if you can craft a similar situation for yourself. Yes, when they are older like yours they have more of a say in where they stay...mine have chosen to be home most of this past year.

At some points STBXW has tried to insist that they stay with her at some times. They have a right to say no if they wish. Our job is to be supportive of the kids and not influence them to make time in one place or another. They tend to stay where they have their friends and activities. Both my STBXW and i are now involved with someone else. Those people have no say in the lives of my kids.


me: 47, W:49
M 16.5 years
T 17 years
Three kids - D17,D14, S13
Heart 2 heart about M 11/8/13
Bomb drop 11/29/13
W moved out 12/5/13
I Retained L 2/20/14
D filed 3/17/14
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phx172 Offline OP
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Paul, thanks for sharing your situation. I know I need to calm down and work toward what is the best situation for the kids. I hope I can get to what you have achieved. Especially the part where you have reached an agreement that others have no say in the life of your kids.

My business partners have reworked our schedule so that I have no travel. They also have stressed that I need to start working with a counselor to work on reducing my stress. I plan to start that ASAP.


M 21 T 24
D 17 D 15
Bomb: 11/5/14
Wife moved out 11/25/14
Started D by mediation 11/25/14
Joined: Dec 2013
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Phx thanks for the response. Gou.mnetion stress. Tske some time each day cor yourself. Excersise if you can. Get your blood pumping. It helps. It belped me get through the first few months. Keep posting and keep working on you. I know that sounds hard to do...but right. Ow thsts really all you can and should do. Focus on being a great dad. find the part of you you lost or gave away during this time.


Last edited by Virginia; 12/08/14 03:32 PM.
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phx172 Offline OP
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Yesterday evening, my wife told me that she was moving into the apartment with the OM. I wasn't surprised since we both received the questionnaires from the mediation firm. She also told me that she couldn't (or wouldn't) transfer funds next month to our joint household account.

She claims she is bearing the cost of their apartment and can't fund both households. This transfer would include our agreed joint payment for our Ds college fund. She wouldn't comment as to whether or not she will make any more contributions.

I remained calm and didn't argue about that. She also said she wouldn't be joining us at my sisters for Thanksgiving. Apparently, she is going to spend it with the OM. I wonder about his family. Two families hurt for the holidays?


M 21 T 24
D 17 D 15
Bomb: 11/5/14
Wife moved out 11/25/14
Started D by mediation 11/25/14
Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 10
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phx172 Offline OP
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Well, Thanksgiving went better than expected. My wife called both Ds to wish them Happy Thanksgiving. She texted the same to me. I just sent back "thanks, you too."

On the holidays I went hiking with friends, and took the girls to a display of winter lights at our local zoo. We had a great time.

Received an email from Michelle outlining the "Last Resort Technique." Great thoughts and similar to the 180 approach. I also read "The 5 Love Languages."

Learned that my love languages were affirmation and acts of service. It's obvious that my wife's are not those. We have been together 24 years and we obviously never connected really closely. It's too late to do anything about it since we are starting mediation on Wednesday.

I can only take away the knowledge and move on, but I'm really disappointed that I totally missed what was going on in our relationship all those years.


M 21 T 24
D 17 D 15
Bomb: 11/5/14
Wife moved out 11/25/14
Started D by mediation 11/25/14
Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 10
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phx172 Offline OP
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I wanted to close this thread by thanking everyone who responded with timely and very helpful advice. I also want to thank the facilitators of this website/blog. The quick help and insight I got was invaluable to me.

We have been through three days of mediation with meetings in two hour sessions. I can't beleive how much was accomplished. We both used lawyers as advisers not as proponents of an adversarial court battle. I would like to recommend mediation as a solution to anyone who really wants to separate rather than battle it out in court.

A final comment on mediation. These mediators are attorneys with psychology backgrounds. I think this combination of education and experience was very helpful in our process.

To try to pay back the help I have been given here, my next post will summarize our results. This may be of use to someone considering alternatives to their situation. Thank you all.


M 21 T 24
D 17 D 15
Bomb: 11/5/14
Wife moved out 11/25/14
Started D by mediation 11/25/14
Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 10
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phx172 Offline OP
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Here is a quick summary of our mediation results:

1. STBXW realized that the process would not be adversial and relaxed during the first meeting. At the second meeting (after we both met separately with mediators and stated our concerns), she backed off from having me move of the home which is our separate property.

2. I then gave her a pass on making further contributions to our Ds educational trust.

3. She then stated that she would reduce her request for spousal support by that amount.

4. We both wanted joint parental participation. She agreed to let me be named the custodial parent with our Ds freedom to arrange their own visitation schedule (subject to our approval, of course).

5. She agreed to accept the business valuation report (to come) and to accept payout over ten years. I agreed to pay two years of that up front to help give her some reserve cash.

6. In the last session we both apologized to each other for wrong assumptions and bad decisions on both of our parts. In the end there was no "bad guy" here. After all, we still have to be parents to two beautiful and talented daughters.

7. The mediators are drawing up the settlement documents, which will be finalized after the final business valuation report. Then we just have to wait for the statutory waiting period, and all is complete.

8. Yes, I still have some hurt and anger over what happened. But at least we will be apart without a prolonged and hurtful legal battle and can get on with our separate lives.


M 21 T 24
D 17 D 15
Bomb: 11/5/14
Wife moved out 11/25/14
Started D by mediation 11/25/14
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