Busting this Divorce - Separating

[HPoirot]

She came back and asked to talk. I said sure. She was calm but sad. The text she sent when she left for work sums it up... "HP. I feel like seperating is best. I don't want to prolong this. Please know that I am sorry. I don't want to lie to you any lounger. So no..we don't need counseling. I also want you to know this isn't about someone else. This is ME...telling you honestly from my heart ...that we have reached a place that I don't believe we can recover from. I know you think differently. But please understand that I don't take this lightly. It's killing me.
But I believe we both need to get ready to move ahead. I am committed to figuring out the best way to so..with compassion. And respect."

She still mentioned the possibility of us working out in counseling. But right now I don't see how we get there. I don't know what to do now except keep being better me. I don't want to.

[Zues126]

Be prepared for a long and difficult ride. I think it will get tougher, not more painful but harder to have faith.

See, right now she is a bit shocked by your actions. So while you are hurting, you can do things that seem to give you the 'upper hand'. She is now the one being hurt by her actions, you get to see her deal with that and be surprised with your changes.

Wha will likely happen next is that she'll adjust to that. She'll start expecting it, and stop reacting at all. She'll just get used to a separate life with minimal interaction and start spending more time with OM to try to feel better and in control or the situation.

That doesn't mean you're doing anything wrong. I think you're doin a lot of things right. But it will be a long journey. And once this happens there will be few signs you're on the 'right' track. The ONLY way you'll make it through is if you detach quite a bit more.

Shoot H. Can you get your M back? Lord only knows. It's possible you do everything right and she process with D. A M takes two people, and you cannot want it enough for both of you. It doesn't seem fair, but that is life. And if it does work out the way you want, it is unlikely going to be her just falling back into your arms and everything being ok again. As long as the journey away from you has been and will be, that will be the journey to rebuild some type of R. Should that happen.

I am telling you what may lie ahead. I was where you are after 6-8 weeks. I was doing what I was supposed to, saw some major signs of positive feelings, etc. the results were disasterous. You're on here enough, you should check it out on my thread. Look at the posts surrounding end of August/beginning of September.

Now things have settled down, emotions are calm, she still has conflicting feelings but not enough to stop the momentum of he runaway train. We are proceeding towards D.

So did my DBing work? It won't stop the D. It won't change my STBX. But it has spared me a lot of pain, made me a better person, helped me feel proud of my conduct through a difficult time. Maybe STBX wants another shot at R someday. Not sure what I'd say at this point. The truth is H, I thought I could forgive her for the A. But honestly I think I was just in the 'bargaining' stage of grief. I'd have forgiven ANYTHING to stop the pain of the D. Now that I can't avoid it and I am feeling it, I'm not sure i would want to live with a woman that would do this. Not sure. But it doesn't matter because if that day came, it might be a year or two down the road.

H, I tell you this because you need to detach more and more. Protect yourself for what's to come. I feel you're still in denial because of her confliction and her reaction to your behavior. Really try to get as far away from emotional ground zero as you can. Focus more on YOU. I get how terrible it is to lose an M. But you have to trust us when we tell you it is lost...what you're fighting for is a chance to build a different M with your W someday in the future. But to 'you' it will feel like failure. Because the man you will become will be different. So will she. The two people you are now will go through all the pain and loss.

Prepare for that and build a new life and lots of positive habits now so you have something prepared for yourself. Thank you.

[sandi2]

If you do not feel you want to participate in things you once did with her, i believe you need to make it abundantly clear to her, instead of making excuses each time. Perhaps you have already said something similar to this, and I missed it. When your W has expectations of watching the TV with you or any other activity you two did in the past.......have you just looked at her and said, "There is nothing I want more than for our M and our lives to be healthy and normal again. However, as long as you are actively involved with another man, I cannot pretend to enjoy a shared activitastor just the two of us, as if all is well. It is painful for me and feels like a mockery to what we once had." This should not be said with anger or coldness. It should be said lovingly, but not pitifully.

Now, this is not to punish her or to be constantly throwing the A in her face. But to me, it is the truth and should be stated. You don't want to say, "end the A and then I will watch TV with you!" i hope you see the difference.

As long as you make some excuse to not join her, what does it accomplish? At least this way you have established your reasons and she can't really argue with the truth. She may try, but she knows. Once you make it clear, then you will not need to restate it again. If she asks about watching the show (or whatever) then you look at her and say, "I have already explained where I stand."

I see a difference in a man taking a strong stand, and a cold war. This cold war between the two of you is more a tit for tat thing. You both are playing the punishing game. I don't believe the M will be saved as long as that is going on.

[HPoirot]

Thank you so much Zues for your post, your warnings, and for your advice. I did read some of your sitch and will look for the posts you suggest. I have a lot to learn and I really want to learn. I want to, like you, feel proud of how I acted during this time.

Yes sandi thank you. I saw that my "I'm tired" last night was an excuse and lame and weak. I will use your words and "I have already explained where I stand." I have used "You already know how I feel." I see I punish instead of just making a stand. It is my attitude that needs to change. I will change it.

...

A little after she left this morning, my W called me. I answered.

"I know you're busy and I won't call you all morning," she says.

"ok"

"I don't want to tell S11 anything about this yet."

I mentioned in our talk earlier this morning that she would have to explain her leaving to S11. I would not help her there.

Then she got a little frantic and started again on how we need MC. So we could figure out what to do. For our boy. Another reason I can't remember.

She tells a hypothetical story... something about putting conditions on MC if she had asked or it a year ago when it would have helped..

I calmly agree with her. Yes we definitely need counseling. You're absolutely right. We have to heal.

Just before, in our talk, she calmly talked about how she has been resisting MC and not wanting to go. But she has been asking me about going almost everyday for days now.

This morning, after again she said she wanted to separate (I calmly said "yes you've said that" in response), and also after I mentioned she would have to break this to our S11, she then asked me "do you think we could live separated in a house?" I said "we've been doing that."

She then got frantic with "It's not about OM. We're not in a relationship. There's no relationship. I'm not carrying on like he's a BF. It's nothing. It's not what you think." She went on like this for a bit.

She said earlier today she "doesn't want to be that girl" who lies and whose husband is suspicious of her. She has been being that.

She was also said, earlier in our sitch, that she stepped out of our M. We have used the word affair in conversations about her actions. She said it's now hard because she cares for OM. That this contact makes her feel good and puts her in touch with a life she could have. That he offered to back off because of the feelings growing. And, then there's the dinners and emails.

I said "I didn't know these things (about OM). Explain more." She almost screams "there's nothing to explain! It's not a relationship!"

For most of the phone call I do not say much. She comes to points in her talk where she stops and waits for me to respond. I don't. She keeps on explaining.

Then she catches herself. Changes the subject to looking for a new place for all of us to live (so plans have not changed and she's not separating yet).

I say sounds good. Let me get back to work. Talk with you later. I hang up.

The text she sent this morning was very much like a text she already sent except for the no we don't need MC part. This after she offered to make the appointment today and I reminded her of my boundary.

Then, I few minutes later she calls, says we need MC and tells me OM is nothing.

It's not even 9am yet on Monday.

This is going to be everyday huh?

Funny... I didn't cry or feel shaky this morning. I probably will later. But right now I'm ok. I'm sure I made mistakes... but I did not fold.

Does what happened with her calling back make sense/mean anything? I'm I still on the right track?

Ok enough about her for now. Time to make my day happen before anything else happens.

I can do this.

Thank you all again for your support.

Oops she's calling again.

I answer. I don't think I should keep answering.

She's calmer. She reached out to a friend just now and got information on schools in the state we're thinking of moving to next year. Where she says she'll get her own place maybe.

She let's me know what she found. She sounds friendly. I say ok thank you for looking that up. Let me know if you find anything else. Talk later. Hang up.

Back to my day.