Patience

[Joe1981]

So, as I've mentioned, I'm starting a new thread. My old one was stale and I need to get things moving in a good direction again.

Here's my previous thread: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2505078&page=1

As of now...things are still a mess. Sometimes they feel good and it feels like we may get there sooner than later. Others, like tonight, she asserts that she's done, but can't leave due to money. Trying to hold on to the mantra of "believe nothing they say and only half of what they do."

If patience is indeed a virtue, this must be one of most virtuous places on the web.

I think the hardest thing anymore is that I feel like I've grown quite a bit in this process and I see a lot of things from her perspective much better than I ever have before...and I feel like she hasn't moved an inch. She says "I'm a grudge holder" with such pride that it makes me ill. Who is proud to be a grudge holder? How is that healthy?

I know that, no matter how this all ends, I'm a better man than I was before this began. I also am fairly certain, that, if she never does forgive past offenses and we end up being done, in the long run that will hurt her more than me. Holding anger inside is toxic and will poison any future relationships.

Now, back to digging out my PMA again, that slipped today as she was foul at me and I'm still fighting off a chest cold and being over-tired.

[PatientMan]

"Dear Lord, please give me patience and give it to me RIGHT NOW!"

-PM

[Joe1981]

Don't I know it.

[sandi2]

She says "I'm a grudge holder" with such pride that it makes me ill. Who is proud to be a grudge holder? How is that healthy?

That's how I feel toward people who are proud of their stubbornness. Do they want to be congratulated?

Most times, you just have to shake it off.

[Joe1981]

Shaking it off is my primary MO these days. Doing everything I can to keep up the PMA. Continuing the 180s, navigating the murky world that is both detaching and trying to rekindle her interest. Trying to keep my energy on the kids.

It has been a roller coaster, but I'm still here. I'm not sure where this will end, but I will be happy some day...no matter what happens. I am strong.

At some point, I'm hoping she decides to come to the table.

[LisaB]

Hi Joe, just saying hi and checking in. Sorry things have still not moved to a very good place but keep up the PMA.

I was thinking yesterday about patience. We both came around here about the same time and I think we both hoped/believed that it would all turn around in a month and be OK.

Yesterday I realized that it has been almost 5 months for me since BD. Four months ago I would never have believed that time would pass so quickly, or that I would still be separated. This is definitely a marathon and a huge test for our endurance, perseverance and patience.

Hang in there, you've made it this far!

How's it going with the love languages lately?

Hugs, Lisa

[Joe1981]

Love languages...well, I'm a constant walking acts of service. The gift thing is terrifying right now. We've got no money to get her gifts with, but I've got to step up. No idea how.

[gan]

Lisa - I agree it's been a faster ride than I expected. One more week and my H and I have been 6 months separated. 18 months more to go. Sigh.

Joe - what about making a gift? Some of the gifts that got the best reaction from my female friends over the years were a collection of cheapo random things with creative labels on them explaining what they are for. E.g. test tubes filled with jelly beans with labels describing their magic potion powers to help solve something the person has been struggling with lately. Or a box full o' sleep related items for an expectant mum (eye mask, rejuvenating eye cream, eye concealer, aromatherapy, jelly bean sleep potion).

Of course I wouldn't over do the gifts but maybe you could use simple gifts like this to acknowledge things she does or things she is going through while you are strapped for cash? Just an idea.