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Originally Posted By: CaliGuy
But there is that hurt little boy I am trying to silence that realizes she does not want the M, does not want the family .. .and does not want me ... and its hard to not take that personal.


That's where she is now, and you have to accept that. (and I think you pretty much have) It doesn't mean she will always feel that way. Feelings can and do change... there lies the hope for your M.


M: A really long time.
Crisis: 5 years.
She's still worth it.

Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
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Originally Posted By: ForeverYoung
Originally Posted By: CaliGuy
But there is that hurt little boy I am trying to silence that realizes she does not want the M, does not want the family .. .and does not want me ... and its hard to not take that personal.


That's where she is now, and you have to accept that. (and I think you pretty much have) It doesn't mean she will always feel that way. Feelings can and do change... there lies the hope for your M.


Yeah ... I have, as much as I would like to fight it I have. I had to think about it from afar (Could not do this without detaching a bit) and think .. evne when I thought things were good... there were no indications she wanted the M, it was just she wanted the comfy feel of a familiar blanket.

I do have hope, and faith .. still. However I also have reservations .... all I can do is live my life, continue my path ... and take things as they come. I do not think I have made it this far for nothing .... Song lyrics in my head "Storm" by Life house .." I know You didn't bring me out here to drown"


M: 48
W: 47
M16 T26-S8
BD Sept13



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Yep, what my friend, FY said..^^^

So, just a couple of things cuz now you know thats how I roll. LOL! Gotta keep you honest, Cal, because you are commmitted here. smile


Originally Posted By: CaliGuy

So I told her I realized it was early but they were both welcome to be a part of it ... she said she would cancel (I am not sure why she would do this and decided no mind-reading here) ... I told her I did not want that, if they were there great, if not that is fine too ... I just wanted to extend the invitation.


There you go, Cal...nicely done. smile

Originally Posted By: CaliGuy

But there is that hurt little boy I am trying to silence that realizes she does not want the M, does not want the family .. .and does not want me ... and its hard to not take that personal.


I get that because I felt that. The thing is this. She is in a crisis. She wants desperately to feel better. And I mean desperately. The MLCer cannot see it is inside of them. So they lash out at those closest to them. They really believe if they eliminate that part of their lives, they will feel better. You could have been perfect, Cal. It would not have mattered. She is hurting, broken. She feels as if she is going crazy. It really does have nothing to do with you. It is her frantic search for the end of the pain.

Originally Posted By: CaliGuy

That little boy wants to lash out, but the man I want to be will not allow this, he will walk tall and hold his head up high, he will be dignified about this ... regardless if that hurt little boy wants to dish out some pain of his own .. this will not happen, I am better than this. Sure I deserve better, as does my son .. and the way I can get this is by treating myself better and not allow anyone to have power over my moods/thoughts/actions.


Yep. And think about it, lashing out may feel better for a moment, but, that moment doesnt translate into real relief. What it would do, though, is change who you are.

Originally Posted By: CaliGuy

Observations: The past week or so, she seems to be doing things differently ... alot of Facetime with S on the phone, if she is running late due to traffic she sends a picture of the traffic. I have not brought up the fact I trust her as far as I could throw a semi truck. Not reading into this stuff, just simple observations.


They change in their crisis...it is not linear, it ebbs and flows, goes up and down and back and through. That's why it's best not to even pay attention to the changes...until they are real.

Cal, I know this is so hurtful, down to your very core. I also know that this was a journey you were meant to go on.

May I ask you...the hurt little boy...are those feelings related to anything else that has happened in your past? I ask because they were for me. My mother was an alcoholic. The little girl in me never felt good enough. So that when this happened, those feelings resurfaced. Once I could reconcile why I was feeling the way I did, I was better able to cope with the feelings of hurt and abandonment.

I want you to know there is always hope as long as you have it, Cal. There really and truly is.

This is how it is right now, it doesnt mean it will always be this way. This is how you feel at the moment, you will not always feel this way.

You are doing wonderfully, sweetie.

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Originally Posted By: uRworthy
Yep, what my friend, FY said..^^^

So, just a couple of things cuz now you know thats how I roll. LOL! Gotta keep you honest, Cal, because you are commmitted here. smile

Committed .. as in a membership to Looney-ville??? ... lol Yeah I am committed, and have had a realiszation I will be a card holding member to this for some time regardless of my desires for lightning to come out of the sky and reboot my wife's CPU ... I have to patiently await on the shore .. enter Lighthouse.

Originally Posted By: CaliGuy

So I told her I realized it was early but they were both welcome to be a part of it ... she said she would cancel (I am not sure why she would do this and decided no mind-reading here) ... I told her I did not want that, if they were there great, if not that is fine too ... I just wanted to extend the invitation.


There you go, Cal...nicely done. smile

Yeah I thought I did well, and honestly I would LOVE for S to be there, but its really ok if this does not happen, this one is part of MY journey


Originally Posted By: CaliGuy

But there is that hurt little boy I am trying to silence that realizes she does not want the M, does not want the family .. .and does not want me ... and its hard to not take that personal.


I get that because I felt that. The thing is this. She is in a crisis. She wants desperately to feel better. And I mean desperately. The MLCer cannot see it is inside of them. So they lash out at those closest to them. They really believe if they eliminate that part of their lives, they will feel better. You could have been perfect, Cal. It would not have mattered. She is hurting, broken. She feels as if she is going crazy. It really does have nothing to do with you. It is her frantic search for the end of the pain.

I get that, heard a sermon months ago that put it into a perspective I appreciated. Your pet dog is out running around and gets hit by a car, you try to help it and it bites you, out of fear and pain... not because of what you are trying to do .. but because the animal is scared. Helped me with her lashing out and me not taking it as personal.

Originally Posted By: CaliGuy

That little boy wants to lash out, but the man I want to be will not allow this, he will walk tall and hold his head up high, he will be dignified about this ... regardless if that hurt little boy wants to dish out some pain of his own .. this will not happen, I am better than this. Sure I deserve better, as does my son .. and the way I can get this is by treating myself better and not allow anyone to have power over my moods/thoughts/actions.


Yep. And think about it, lashing out may feel better for a moment, but, that moment doesnt translate into real relief. What it would do, though, is change who you are.

Originally Posted By: CaliGuy

Observations: The past week or so, she seems to be doing things differently ... alot of Facetime with S on the phone, if she is running late due to traffic she sends a picture of the traffic. I have not brought up the fact I trust her as far as I could throw a semi truck. Not reading into this stuff, just simple observations.


They change in their crisis...it is not linear, it ebbs and flows, goes up and down and back and through. That's why it's best not to even pay attention to the changes...until they are real.

Cal, I know this is so hurtful, down to your very core. I also know that this was a journey you were meant to go on.

May I ask you...the hurt little boy...are those feelings related to anything else that has happened in your past? I ask because they were for me. My mother was an alcoholic. The little girl in me never felt good enough. So that when this happened, those feelings resurfaced. Once I could reconcile why I was feeling the way I did, I was better able to cope with the feelings of hurt and abandonment.

I want you to know there is always hope as long as you have it, Cal. There really and truly is.

This is how it is right now, it doesnt mean it will always be this way. This is how you feel at the moment, you will not always feel this way.

You are doing wonderfully, sweetie.


I am not sure .. honestly. Now I would not say that I had a great childhood. But I will give it to you so you all may see somethings that I just do not see ... or maybe there is something I need to work on.
Oldest out of 3 boys .. all 6 years apart (Fathers joke was he only got it every 6 years and had to make it count ... ok .. still funny) Father was always gone working in various states, but would be back on weekends .. maybe every other depending on where he was. Strong, stern man but honestly... I became good at being good when he was around and doing as I wanted when he was not ... so ... yeah not a huge father figure presence during my childhood. He and I had a falling out in my teens ... but reconciled and became close in my late 20's up to when he died in 2012 (I did not handle this loss well at all)
So growing up I was the oldest and in charge, I did not want this nor care for it.... Both parents alcoholics, Mother worse than Father .... atleast in my eyes. She would just become so ... well .. stupid... drunk. I to this day have respect issues with her and her drinking, and still do not care for women when they are intoxicated. (W does not drink so never been an issue there)
As far as the hurt little boy and trying to think about any resurfacing feelings ... yeah abandonment may come into play a bit here ... but honestly I was ok with my parents not being around, it was freedom... and I was ok with that. But yeah I get that feeling of ... if I am better maybe I will be loved, there is something to that. I feel that I have never been good enough for W, she is very beautiful, that increased with age with her, when we were young she had no clue how gorgeous she was ... now ... it seems she knows, is almost arrogant about it .. and I am just this midwest kid who got lucky but can no longer afford the payments.
This is what I have been trying to work out ... that I am good enough .. that I deserve better. Rebuilding the self esteem that I allowed to be taken from me slowly over the years, regaining my confidence and self worth ... I have made progress but still have alot of work to do in this area ... slowly I am getting there.


M: 48
W: 47
M16 T26-S8
BD Sept13



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