I was briefly talking with H and the issue of his parents came up. I noticed how, by not validating my feelings and frustrations, I immediately felt he was defending them. Was he actually though?
I know I feel like he doesn't and never did have my back when it came to them. He'd roll his eyes, try to "talk me down" and the incidents I was upset over are no small potatoes. He wouldn't defend me when they got on my case or were critical of me whether I was in the room or not. It hurt. A lot.
I have a feeling he's the same when in their presence and I'm not around.
I think he's trying to be neutral but in this case, neutrality is perceived as permissive to both sides and I feel I deserve to have been supported and defended and validated when it came to his parents. Couldn't he have shown some loyalty and solidarity with me? Had my back. Not implied that I was over reacting when I attempted to set some boundaries. Ugh, that really hurts.
And even now, he's neutral. Trying to stay out of it and it digs up old feelings of being hung out to dry. I deserved better. So much better.
With divorce I smoothly escape having to deal directly with my in laws ever again, really and even if I did, with divorce comes the general assumption that they pick Team H. If we don't get a divorce, this is something we will definitely have to face. I won't be hung out to dry, often in front of my daughter, again.
That's not too much to ask, I don't think. There's a big possibility though that I won't get to ask. Such is the journey.
OMG! Working Black Friday in retail should help with boundary setting.
On a more serious note, the great thing about boundary setting is, when you have strong boundaries you need very few. But don't expect people to immediately respect them. You have to defend them because if people weren't boundary crashers, we wouldn't need to state boundaries (if that makes sense).
DO NOT expect them to fall in line and immediately aquiesce.
It's not your H's job to set your boundaries even with his parents. It might be nice if he helped defend them but we all need to be able to say what's damaging to us.
If you set boundaries with in-laws and he doesn't stand with you then that gives you more information.
((( )))
I left out a very important word up there.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
