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love14 Offline OP
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Spending time home yesterday and today. We are taking like morning has happened. She opened up yesterday and said she feels relief that she did something, anything ( filed) to get out of the funk she was in. She also mentioned she is aware that she can put a stop/hold on the D. I was just acknowledging her and didn't say anything. She said that she wants to feel whole again, she has felt so low for so long and feels some type of relief now, and we have been taking for the psy 3 days like we did prior to all of this mess. The way I see it, she was in such a insecure place emotionally, feeling neglected in the marriage and basically felt everything was my fault, she might have a little doubt about the D now because I have stepped back 100% with the questions about "us", begging, pleading etc...I'm just acting totally mellow, engage in normal conversations and I'm not bringing ANYTHING up. I'm very confused about our future, but I'm just keeping my mouth shut to see what path this will take. The path it was on when I was begging wasn't going to a good place, atleast we are now talking like everything is fine but she did say she is aware of the sincerity of the situation, but she does feel good that she can breath and clear her head a little. So I'm going to stay this course and see if she feels good enough to in a few months to possibly work on us. What do you guys think of this situation? Is this headed to just a friendship or a marriage being mended?

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love14 Offline OP
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Sorry typing on my phone, meant to say "talking like nothing's happened"

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Hi love14. Really hard place to find yourself. Your W needs time and it's up to you to wait or not. My W left 9 weeks ago and came home Christmas Eve and is still here. If you were to visit my home you would think W and I were perfect. We watched a film until 2.30am this morning and cooked dinner together and cleaned up. Played games this pm and now chilling watching tele. I know her and know she is done. She has OM / friend and is happy. I have no doubt she will regret her choices one day but like you I never mention R or M. I act as if all ok and life goes o.n. It's so tough but we can control others and our Ws want / need to do their own thing. Detach and move on for your own sanity Take care. Rd

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Hey love,

Glad to hear you had some relief from the stress of it all. But be very careful not to get comfortable. Nothing has changed, so you need to be sure you are working on your 180s and that you get a life (GAL). This will be crucial to your success in the future, which is uncertain, whether you wind up married, single, dating, or remarried. You need to rebuild your identity and sense of self worth apart from your W to really have your own life and sanity back

I'm only hearing your side of the story, but it sounds like your wife hasn't fully shut the door on your M just yet. Be very careful, if you hope to preserve the embers of love she still has for you, your pursuing, pleading, and begging must END. That has been smothering the flame between you two. Now is the time to get serious about acting out the advice you've heard.

Stick with the basics:
Validation Cheat Sheet
Sandi2's 37 rules

What are your 180s and GAL activities?


UpperCut
Me: 28 W: 25
Married: 4 yrs Together: 7 yrs
Dday: 9/14 (W ends affair & comes home)
S: 12/14 (W restarted affair 1/15; moved near OM 2/15)
No kids
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love14 Offline OP
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Thanks for the reply UpperCu,

Im hoping she hasn't shut the door fully, but im not showing my hope, im taking it one day at a time, she is supposed to have a party new years eve at the house, she mentioned it to me and i am hoping she will call or text next week to invite me. I don't have any plans so if im not invited i would feel crushed, but i have felt crushed several times in the last 5-6 months, so im really getting used to that feeling, seems like im just hopeful and loving her, i don't have control over anyone and just will go with the flow.

As far as me pushing and pursuing, i have stopped that, and since she filed for D 2 weeks ago it seems like she has opened up to me a LOT more, we talk very good when around each other and i don't ask, push or pursue. Nothing! I think that's helping her to possibly see a different side that she hasn't seen for the past 5 months.

Still hopeful, but defiantly holding back and not showing that.

Excited to see a "invite" to the party in the next few days.....

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Hey Love 14

Remember, it's really important to detach, GAL and have zero expectations. Instead of waiting and hoping for an invite from your W, why not make your own new years eve plans? You won't be so disappointed if you don't get an invite, and you might really enjoy yourself doing something else with some other people...:-)


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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love14 Offline OP
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Would like to do that, but I also want to spend New Years eve with the kids. Making my own plans would mean I don't see them new years Eve.

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Making your own plans secures you have something to do that night and are no longer held at your W's mercy. She isn't thinking about you right now and you will be disappointed if you place your expectations on her invite.

Do a 180 here. Make your OWN plans and have a great time. The kids will be okay without you that night. You should do something different and exciting. This can be the start of the "new" you!

I went on a Roadtrip by myself after my W dropped the bomb and it was scary and unlike anything I had done before, but I had a great time and had some adventures I hadn't planned on. For new years this year I'm going on a ski trip with some college buddies I haven't seen in a few years. Panning your time out ahead is crucial for the journey you're startung out on...


UpperCut
Me: 28 W: 25
Married: 4 yrs Together: 7 yrs
Dday: 9/14 (W ends affair & comes home)
S: 12/14 (W restarted affair 1/15; moved near OM 2/15)
No kids
Joined: Dec 2014
Posts: 561
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Sorry to hear your story but it really sounds like your marriage has hope, more than for many others here. But be careful because too much hope will make you slack becoming the person that you want to be/can be. Try to see the positive in your situation that you have a chance to personally grow, so does your wife. And give her the chance too. Going from married for so long to just friends is a long way, don't be scared. You can win her love back, but prepare yourself for a long and slow fight.
Like everyone else said. Do sth yourself, go on a trip, do something crazy, scary, exciting. For me it helped to become the person that I was before, more authentic, more fun. You will become more confident, stronger and less confused. The foggy mind in that you probably have will only go away if you GAL and get away from it a bit.
Happy new year and good luck!!


Me 32 (German) Wife 28
T 3yrs M 2yrs
Moved to US for W
No kids
BD 6/2014
In house separation
Confirmed EA 1/2015
(ongoing since BD)
OM not ready
Real D talk started 1/27/15


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