Newcomer Living in Hell 2

[bravo61]

i took off the ring a couple of days ago as the papers were signed by me. my S noticed and was PISSED.

i've had the kids since Sun morning and won't give them up until wed morning. on Sun the W asked if i needed any clothes. told her no that if i needed something i would handle it. on Sun night she called and talked to S and i told him he could hang up when he was done. i didn't feel the need to talk to her. also on Sun, we went out and got a tree and lights. that was fun putting together just the three of us.

W did not schedule daycare for D so i'll have her all day and can't really do anything for me. that's fine she and i will find some fun activities! W offered to take her for a little while on those days. i told her not to worry about it.

on mon, W sent a text that she would drop off clothes on my porch and asked what time cause she didn't want to "interrupt" us. i told her i didn't care and i left her beer outside for her to pick up. she texted later that night to ask to speak to the kids. my phone was in another room charging and i didn't see the text until too late. there have been other nights that she didn't ask to speak to the kids. she said that she really wanted to and she'd try again tomorrow. when i saw the text, i sent back that my phone was charging and didn't hear it. told her that the kids missed and loved her. no response. whatever don't care. truth is, the kids didn't want to speak to her anyway (they told me). they feel that W is more concerned about her friends and work that she is them. and i thought i was the only one that felt that way.

this morning first thing, she sends me a text that she and i will probably need to talk this week. that she has a couple of frustrations bout the night calling. she has been decent about letting me talk to the kids at night (usually every other night) but she is sporadic and i never try to keep her from talking to the kids. really getting tired of her ascribing every negative thing to me!

when she calls and begins to tell me how i'm doing something wrong, i not gonna take the bait. i'll just tell her(calmly) that i'm tired of it and since i've been here i've been kind, loving, considerate, helpful, dependable, and per her words a good person. i don't deserve nor will i tolerate all the anger she directs towards me. ideas?

[bravo61]

also, never realized how much i played, fiddled with my ring while i wore it. its really different now cause i do the same things but the ring ain't there. i was proud to be her H and proud of her. while i still love her, i accept that she is not the same person anymore. can she come back to being that same person? don't know, that will be her choice and journey. do i hope that for her? yep, she was an awesome woman. it's sad that my children recognize and comment on how different she is.

[bravo61]

any ideas on how to deal with the upcoming lambasting by W?

[bravo61]

thanks for the ideas folks. just got done texting with W. she said i can only have the kids for 3 days for a couple of weeks a month. 2 days the other weeks. get this, because she doesn't want to go without seeing them for 3 straight days. hello, this is what you wanted. that pisses me off. especially considering she usually gets a babysitter to watch them while she goes out one of those nights.

[Nettles]

I seemed to have missed in your thread why she gets to set the possession schedule. Why is that?

[bravo61]

the parenting plan that has been submitted to the state

[bravo61]

well this will definitely help with detaching

[bravo61]

had a moment of empathy today. i realize how bad i must have hurt her for her to totally turn her back on her values regarding the vows. she said while back that she never told me cause i couldn't/wouldn't change. well it's been six months and i've changed totally. this must be rough for her to see, but she's too proud/scared? to back down.

[RAI]

Bravo,
I spent the whole evening reading about your riveting sitch- both threads . Holy moly! What an ordeal. Your W doesn't know what she is passing up. You really are in the trenches and have handled it with grace and true grit. Early on you were posting without much response, and I was wondering why no one was taking notice,yet you persisted. That is even more impressive because you did a lot on your own. You really put your ego aside in the interests of the R . Now you are a hero to your children and survived the big D with your integrity intact. How many can say that they truly tried everything to save their M. I expect that you may be grieving and that is totally understandable. You are human. But recognize that there is meaning in your ordeal and it was not for naught. You seem to be a better person for all this and a real man. It is a shame that not everyone knows how to appreciate that.

I have such a long way to go in comparison,but I have learned so much from how you have and are conducting yourself. I know you love your xW, but I don't think you need her to feel whole again. I know you will find fulfillment in your new life without her, whether she ever comes back to her senses or not. Derive joy instead from your wonderful children and cherish every moment with them. One day you'll link back and smile at what a shining example you set in the face of adversity. You really took the high road in choosing to work on yourself and not be vindictive and self righteous.

You asked many times about WAW success stories. I would argue that yours is one. I think you just need to redefine what success means. It's like the wizard of Oz. The lion had courage all along and just didn't know it. In the same way,you have been successful all along. You were looking for external validation. To quote ericmsart: the star is inside of you.

Respect,

RAI

P.S. Loved the expression "unicorn farts". Had not heard that one before.

[bravo61]

wow RAI, you must have me confused with someone else but i'll take it!

i will say that i have grown a bunch through this. would i have grown this much without going through this, don't know and it doesn't matter as this is my reality.

i am MUCH closer with my kids and i truly cherish every moment with them. i have tried to use myself as an example of what not to do with all my married friends and hold them accountable for their actions.

i hope and pray that the W will heal from the wounds that i have caused and someday forgive me. i hope also that she can work on herself and be able to realize that she is worth so much. my S and i will continue to pray for her. for myself, i will continue to love her and cherish the good times we had without wallowing in my pain (which is pretty difficult to do right now).

do i believe that we'll ever reconcile, not sure but probly not. however, i do not know what God's plans are for me/or us. i do not know what could be only what is. that is for Him to decide and for me to graciously accept.

i love you my Sweet Girl!!!