Don't send the email. Stop saying what you're going to do and just do it. I think you've been given this advice over and over and over again and just don't want to follow through.
Stop worrying about the level of your W's relationship with OM. Whats important is that shes not committing to the right steps to reconcile with you. Anything else is 100% irrelevant.
Stop confronting her. It only makes her pissed off and resentful and she reacts by saying '[censored] it, im done anyway' (my wife did the same thing, btw).
Stop thinking about what you want from this relationship and start thinking about other ways you want to define your life - your marriage isn't the only defining characteristic of your existence.
Drop the expectations - gives wife time to decide, your birthday, lease situation, etc.
I wish I could say more to you man but our situations are extremely similar in length, in process and in current status (only difference - which is a big one - is that I don't have kids). All of the above worked for me, not to win her back but to arrive at a place of relative peace and begin to see a real future without my marriage.
Me:38 W:39 No Children BD: 5/13 EA/PA Confirmed: 7/13 W Moved out 12/13
Thanks Dingo, and good to hear from you! Our situations were very similar so I look forward to seeing an update from you.
And thanks for your feedback labug. Option B does seem more in line with the DBing approach as opposed to Option A, which is more like a 'classic' Tarheel move.
Just read up on your last few posts in this thread. I see that you are experiencing a lot of fear on deciding what path to take.
You have been given some great advice. Wonka posted some info from MWD. That is exactly what shifted things in my situation. I got tired of living in limbo, and pushed the D forward. The thing is, you have to be genuinely prepared to be D. To me, that was a better option than living in limbo.
Full disclosure, I did date and had the opportunity to see what life would look like with a different person. Those were the possibilities that were better than limbo.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
I actually feel ok with where I'm at right now. W and I haven't spoken since her D text other than a couple emails about the kids schedule.
Not quite sure what it was, but the last few weeks I've really come to a good place. I feel good about my life, enjoying time with the kids and not feeling like I'm 'waiting' for W. I'm sure I'm not 100% detached, but I feel like I'm getting there. I can't change the past and can't control W or her actions.
Next week is my bday. Not expecting anything, but curious to see if W will reach out after a couple weeks of silence.
As of now, not planning on taking any action for a couple mos, although friends are wanting to set me up on dates. Don't care to get involved with anyone while still M. We'll see if W initiates D, but I don't think she can afford it right now, so I'm just enjoying life and not worrying about the future!
Glad to hear that you are in a good place. It will be clear to you, when you are ready to push things forward.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
I thought about your situation over the weekend, and wanted to touch on something that you may not realize. You have mentioned that you are frustrated, because your W has lied to you, and is not consistent with a parenting schedule. I am sure there are other things that are frustrating to you.
Here's the thing. You are contributing to your situation and your frustration. Why? The simple fact that you are enabling her.
You are choosing to remain dark/idle while she wonders around aimlessly, in hopes that your interactions with her improve. It is like dealing with a petulant child. They will push and push to see how are they can push. Your W knows that you are there, and she knows how far she can push. There isn't a motivation for her to change. Your W is using the D word to keep you in a place of fear, and it is working.
The point of my post, is for you to look within to identify how you are contributing to your frustration by enabling her. You have a bigger part of this than you realize. If/When you change, the dynamics of your sitch will inevitably follow.
Hope this helps.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
You're right LITB- I am contributing to my own frustration. In the past it was because I was afraid that if I approached any of those 'difficult' topics (kids schedule, bills, etc) with W, it would push her one step closer to D. However, as part of feeling more detached these past several weeks, I realized exactly what you posted above. I can't be afraid to upset her.
With that being said, I've purposely avoided bringing these topics up until after tomorrow- my birthday. Maybe that reeks of fear or wanting a reaction, but my reasoning is that tomorrow gives her a reason to reach out to me after almost a month of very little communication. I'd say I have no expectations, but I suppose the fact that I'm writing this means I somewhat do.
So later this week I do plan on addressing the schedule and some joint bills I've been paying. In fact, I drafted the email last week. It won't go over well because she barely has enough money to live as it is, but that's a result of her decision, not mine.
On a side note- I went out with some friends the other night. W was supposed to pick up the kids from the house, but they told her they just wanted to stay home. I then received an email from W basically asking if I was planning on staying at the house. I was vague in my reply- just that I didn't know what time I'd get home, but I could tell she was trying to prolong the conversation by then bringing up the fact that we've been exchanging kids at a nearby parking lot instead of at her condo (which I've yet to visit). I validated and agreed to drop them off at her place going forward if she'd provide me the address. Maybe my agreeing took her off guard because she's yet to reply : )
Hope you're well!