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GoatGal Offline OP
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Well, my Thanksgiving officially s*cked.

More on this another time.

Tonight it's off to a Big Band Swing Dance Formal Gala.

Gonna get dressed up all purty and make a real effort to recapture some of that PMA.

Don't worry, all is well, just--tired. Tired of fighting the incoming horde of emotional soul-sucking Zombies.

At some point, it's just easier to say: "Go ahead and eat my brains. I hope you enjoy them very much." Then smile a winning smile and let them have at it...


---(G)GGG


Me 54 Him 63
M 23 T 29
0 Kids
Funny Farm of Rescues
12/12 OW--
5/13 ILYBINILWY: A denied
9/13 Proof OW: ENDED
2/14 Got D papers on my BD
I kicked him out for my sanity
9/14 He wants to "talk"?



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GGG, just catching up on your thread. Your posts always inspire me.
Originally Posted By: GoatGal
I think I can say that these days, it's pretty clear to him that I am now out of his league. I think this is another barrier to him for R. I'm so much better than I was, and he is a shadow of his former self.

I don't think he feels confident about what he has to offer me, or someone like me.
I think he thinks I'm too good for/too much for him. That I have "demands" and "requirements". And I do.
That he would be happier with someone less confident, more submissive, and who puts him on a pedestal. Enter HWW.... that's very much what that was about. Perhaps he would be happier with a R like that. Maybe that's just what he needs and all these years he was trying to live up to what I wanted from him and he's just too tired to try any more.
It is just like you were describing my H. I have the same thoughts (mindreading, ha.)

Have a great time tonight! Don’t let these Zombies to eat your brain, It is invaluable smile .


M:50
H:52
S28 (my S from previous marriage)
M:17 + 3
BD: 06/12
S: 06/12 - H works in another state
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Welcome back, lady.

You are on my gratitude list.

Fiddle-dee-dee, tomorrow is another day.

Hugs!


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
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job Offline
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GG,
I'm sorry to read that your Thanksgiving didn't go well. I do hope that the Big Band Swing Dance Formal Gala was a huge success and that you had a great time. You needed this to help recapture some of your PMA.

As for your h and his moving things back into the basement, it reminds me so much of other posters who had spouses do things very similar to this many years ago. I'll be sitting on the sidelines waiting to see what else you've discovered that has found its way back home via the basement.

Please take care of yourself.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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GGG,

Ditto to what Job said ^^^.

Observing your petri dish experiment and noting the results in your clipboard. smile

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GoatGal Offline OP
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Thanks for checking in, job, Wonka, Bright, Maybell, nero... Rest assured I am sticking to the DBing plan! I appreciate you following along with my crazy sitch!

Here's a "quick update" for all you GUBU fans:

I did invite him for Thanksgiving, said that I wanted to know by that morning whether or not he'd eat with me.

That morning he said "I will not be eating there." via text.
Totally expected, really. He then said "not trying to be a jerk".

Ok, so I was annoyed. Like what do I have--the plague or something? And FWIW, I am a great cook.

But as far as he was concerned, I sent a pleasant text:
"Figured you wouldn't. That's why I had backup plans."

(Which I didn't really, just eating alone and playing music alone... same old, same old. Yay me being an introvert. Thank goodness for small favors.)

He apologized again later, via text: "Don't take offense, just in a weird place today."

Ok.. whatever. I validated: "I often feel the same. Don't sweat it. Perhaps another time."

Funny how he never says "Thanks for the invite..." or anything that actually recognizes that I asked him... it's always this third-person sort of response that minimizes what I asked into some soul-less transaction.
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Thinking about all these "Nice Guys" on here who are working on rediscovering their manly assertiveness, I recalled a convo GUBU and I had early on after OW discovery.
He had this printed paper that was all about "Codependency". I asked him about it, and he said that he and OW were trying to figure themselves out... (!!!!!)...and decided they were Codependent.

Well...DUH! It's the "Captain Save-A-Ho" syndrome...

NOW it seems he is very aware he is massively codependent, (just things he's doing and saying that point to trying to reverse this tendency) and after doing a lot of reading on the subject myself, I can see how this has played into our R over the years.

He did at one point try and "explain" to me that because he is codependent, that I must be as well, but--sorry--nope! Probably why he was so weird around me and felt so "GOOD" with OW. She was so needy and messed up from everything he said. Clearly.

As for me--I'm seen a few psychologists and one good psychiatrist over the years and the label "codependent' or 'narcissistic" never came up. I have a "healthy" attachment style, am independent but compassionate... aside from the ADD and Asperger's, pretty darn healthy. And I work really hard to make those last two not define me or what I can do.
I've taken every freaking online test and "Codependent"--it's just not me. Never was.
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GUBU was probably always somewhat uncomfortable with me because I was NOT the classic needy, messed up one who he could rescue to make himself feel needed and therefore have value. I guess was scary for that reason.

Yet, I was somehow what he wanted. He married me, didn't he? I think I was the exception among all the needy, messed up women he had before (and during) our R. (Yes, I see that now. I was the first non-train wreck, except for one old girlfriend decades ago who was lovely, and yes--he dumped her too!)
I think I was the case of the "relationship that could have been healthy if the codependent wasn't so busy sabotaging it...."


Anyway... I digress... Dr. GoatGal is writing her dissertation.... smile
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The point here is that I think this *might* be something he's working on in therapy, since he's gone from "Mr. I'll Do ANYTHING for You" to "Mr. I Don't Give a Rat's A$$ and I'm Learning How to Say NO and Your Feelings are YOUR BUSINESS."

All well and good, except that he exploded my life, I'm living here alone, and he does have some responsibility for that. He's crossed over into minimal compassion land. In fact, he's been there for a long time now.

Yes, he'll do what I ask. But he never offers to do anything and basically just does whatever he wants without thinking of me.
So--no one wants a codependent mate, but a compassionate one... well, that would be nice for a change these days.

I figure it's going to take some time for him to learn where the middle ground is between indecisive passive-aggressive and total jerk-o-mo non-empathetic, self-centered pr*ck. Time will tell.
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Anyhow, on Thanksgiving I just focused on what I had coming up for the weekend and made the best of it.
But yeah, it did suck being here alone on yet another holiday. Last year sucked too.

But my Gala was great and I enjoyed that very much. Today I'm home, but then have another event Sunday evening, dinner and dancing with friends. So I'm staying busy.

Even at my age I am still working on improving my dancing abilities and working in new techniques and problem solving. Same for my music. I have been working hard on that and it's paying off. I'm surprising even myself these days. Ragtime guitar. I'm killing it.

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Back to GUBU:
It's hard to think of all the little things he's been doing that show me progress, but there have been several.

Ongoing pleasant phone calls, for one. More laughing, more eye contact. Just more light interactions without so much drama.

Extending our health insurance benefits...keeping all the finances jointly, not getting his own place, still working on the house... more clothes have appeared.

He stopped asking what time I'd be leaving or getting home when I go out. He knows where I'm going, what I'm doing, and who I'm with. I have nothing to hide.

He still gives me his whereabouts, makes a point of letting me know he's at "his" place, (highly doubt he'd have another woman there for a bunch of reasons, plus, he wouldn't be calling/texting me so much), he says when he'll be late, etc.

The other is sometimes he's been actively avoiding me when he's been here which I thought was odd, until I realized that he was grubby and unshaven... and I *think* he didn't want to be around me like that.

He HAS been around when he's been shaven and wearing decent, clean, non-manure clothes.

I haven't noticed his beard getting any longer, but at least he's not doing the grubby thing.

And he's still locking his truck when he's here for 10 minutes. Weird. Creepy. I always wonder what he's afraid of/hiding...or what.
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For the record, I looked KICK-A$$ last night!!!
I asked him to fasten my pearl necklace for me... (made him touch me) thanked him for doing that, and how "being a girl" takes a lot of work! (I can be a bit tom-boyish, so I'm playing that up.)

The Gala was a black and white theme, so it was a form-fitting vintage black sleeveless dress with a low back/neckline (tasteful), with pearls and a pearl comb in my upswept blonde hair. Ruby red lips, perfume, vintage makeup with pale skin, dark eyeliner... get the picture?

I KNOW he did! wink

Then I made a comment about how unfortunate it was that the "scent of the hairspray was conflicting with my perfume..."

"Oh". He says. "Hah. I guess it would."
(Bit of sarcasm I heard from him, but my point was made!)
I looked good, smelled good, and was concerned that anyone in my vicinity might not get the full benefit of my perfume.
Ahem....ahem...

Anyhow. Sometimes it's hard. I haven't had any physical affection other than hugs from friends and dancing. No bodywork since my therapist has had family issues and can't work on me. No one really touches me, holds my hand.

My animals are good, but talk about "needy"! I want someone to GIVE to ME for a change.
That does make me sad sometimes, always being alone.

But then I remember that you wonderful folks are out there in the ether, and I'm grateful to have people to talk to.

Time to feed the mutts and make myself some nice Thanksgiving leftovers, which apparently I'll be eating for the next month....

And, oh yeah. I'm pretty detached. That's good.


Your Pal,

The Goat Gal
"The Queen of the "QUICK UPDATE"!!! smile


Me 54 Him 63
M 23 T 29
0 Kids
Funny Farm of Rescues
12/12 OW--
5/13 ILYBINILWY: A denied
9/13 Proof OW: ENDED
2/14 Got D papers on my BD
I kicked him out for my sanity
9/14 He wants to "talk"?



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