H: please text me to let me know you have arrived Me: OK I will
Another h: which car are you travelling up in, the Jeep or the little green car? Me: Little Green Car H: that's not safe Me: the Jeep eats fuel so it's much cheaper H: I prefer you to use the Jeep
as I was leaving H came out H: drive safely and let me know you have arrived Waved as I left Curious exchange. I think he is "up to something". Unsure what that could be, he hasn't shown any concern for my safety in at least 9 months. Any way acted as if it were usual and waved back. Text "I had arrived ok." Then got a text back "enjoy your evening". I replied "you too"
Lovely evening in town hall with local big wigs. Some auctions for charity, raffles and prizes. I do not gamble so let fav cousin have my tickets. Dancing, gg you would have been proud of me. Strutted my stuff, moves like Jagger! Only one glass of wine. Food was poor so didn't eat much.
I dance quite well, I can jive, salsa, tango, Ceroc and ballroom. Usually there aren't many dancers at events like these, but last night a group of young men (old enough to be my grandson young) were there. These lovely young men adopted me and I jived all night. Could take them all home in my handbag as a GAL tool. Such fun. You know the song " could have danced all night", it applies.
A group of ladies came up to me afterwards and said they loved my dancing. And they meant it!
This is GAL as it is meant to be. Resolve to dance more often. A very happy and tired Vanilla slept without stirring all night. Happiness Vanilla
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
One issue I would dearly love the views of my on line friends.
I really do not like smoking, the ashtray smell is very much like repellant to me. 6 months ago H took up smoking. He smokes in a BIG way 40 to 60 a day. The odour is awful, on his clothes, his hair, his bed , his car and now the house.
Since I have had cervical cancer then there is no sex without condoms whilst he smokes. Cigarette waste is a carcinogen and a major cause of all types of health issues. H doesn't believe this and his view is that this is all in my imagination.
His life, his health and his belongings. Most nights he is drunk any way and I will not sleep with a drunkard. Especially one who in that state has a habit of being verbally hurtful. He spews. So I stay away, if H is having a heavy session my door is closed when he gets in, as he has been known to "let me have a piece of his mind" and "another thing".......... Thank you H but I would rather have peace of mind instead.
Do I try to separate the smoking and the drinking? The heavy drinking is non negotiable I will not be close to a drinker who behaves as H does.
Am I unreasonable in this? I have never lived with a smoker before and find the smoking unacceptable. Is this one I should adapt to and do a 180? Is this a boundary issue? Advice and views needed Vanilla
Last edited by Vanilla; 11/23/1409:59 AM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
H and his W1 both smoked heavily. They drank and did not eat very well either, a lot of meat, fried food, cheese, junk, takeaways. H played golf but otherwise no exercise. H refused to allow W1 to cook fish- it smells the house. Both of them went to casinos and played poker. As far as I understand W1 was not compulsive.
W1 had three treatments for breast cancer until eventually went into her bone marrow and she died a long and painful death. S1 died of bowel cancer' he was diagnosed and died within 4 months. When younger S2 also had brain tumour but that was benign. S2 does not drink heavily or smoke and his SO is lovely and cooks healthy food, so S2 a dad to 3 lovely daughters has really lives a healthy life.
When I met H, he appeared very sorted, and was not smoking but generally normal social drinker. He confessed to the gambling but that went too, and we both attended GA and GAM-anon
H decided he did not want to work any more in Jan 2014. By March he was drinking heavily, by June smoking and I believe gambling again. He won't go to GA or address his behaviours.
He claimed he had memory problems and could not work, he won't have counselling (waste of time) and GA is boring. We agreed he would go to have medical tests to find out. I eventually booked the appointment ( an agreed item if I was to support him giving up work). He had medical tests and there is nothing wrong medically or clinically. Doctor says it alcohol and behavioural and offered counselling. H says doctor is an idiot and doesn't know what he is saying. Doctor says H is compulsive and in crisis but if he won't help himself there is little he can do.
H is angry, aggressive and unpleasant when drinking but smoking doesn't affect it. He smokes more when he drinks.
I have let go of the outcome of all round sobriety and have decided I need reasonable boundaries. The question I ask of myself is what is reasonable? You ask if smoking is tied in with drinking etc? Smoking seems to be the last behaviour to come and the first to stop.
Trust that explains
I do have a great deal of empathy with H, I lost my first husband very young and I know grief. I also had a still birth and a late miscarriage. But for me that is part of life's unfair hand but these life curses do not excuse the tantrums H throws my way.
That is how I currently see the situation. Thanks Vanilla
Last edited by Vanilla; 11/23/1403:47 PM. Reason: Layout issue
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Long and difficult talk with my sister and father today. They think H is verbally abusive and my sis says he has been unpleasant to my family. For my 60th party they felt H was aggressive and rude. I did not know this.
They also know he has said negative things about mother. They don't like it. Sis says they will not allow him to drive them away because they love me but if H is openly hostile they will leave or ask him to leave. They will try to be civil for my sake as far as possible.
Sis said she thought H a charming man but he seems to be very agitated and aggressive. She is worried.
Assured sis I was ok, and decided to travel back early the next morning so I can establish rapport with glam sis. All is well tonight safe at sis house. I am wondering if I should move nearer to sis and my family. Am I strong enough with just my friends around me?
Very sad tonight, but resigned that if H does not get help and things sink lower that I may not be safe.
I did text H that I would not be back until following day. I know he tracks my ipad so he knows where I am.
Tired Vanilla
Last edited by Vanilla; 11/23/1411:21 PM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Mmm sounds like my h, he trolled forums and my fb constantly.
It's almost stalking. That's a real worry, protect vanilla. Aggressive controlling men can resort to violence when they get very angry. Mine hit my child, you don't hit a woman but assault on a child fine!
M 46 h54 Both married before T 11y Bd 2/14 I must see where ow leads! Ms 18 hs 26
