W is now communicating through D14. She went through her to make plans to do kid exchange. Know idea what caused that because everything seemed fine earlier.
Today is the 15th of the month. I always change all the air filters and stuff on that day every month. Do I tell her that she needs to do it. Or not. If I don't she won't know until her HVAC unit clogs up.
Me: 36 W: 36 D: 14 T: 18 (05/1997) M: 16 (05/1999) BD: 7/23/15 Separation 01/2015 D mentioned and started 02/2015 D filed 3/2015 OM confirmed 3/30/15
I understand this is beyond difficult - it is absolutely life shattering and there is nothing anyone can do to help.
Except you.
The first step is to intellectually accept that what you are doing is not only not helping your situation, your actions are not benign, but are actually HURTING your chances of reconciling at some point in the future. Understand that in your head first.
Then accept that you are going to have to lead with your brain for a while and not let your heart take over. I'm not saying to ignore your feelings, as working through them is part of this process. But another big part of this process is learning how to do what you know is right no matter how you FEEL in any given moment. It is an exercise in self-control and it is imperative you master it through diligent practice.
The next step, the step that must be implemented as quickly as possible (if only for your own sanity), is to start to live your day in light of those 37 rules. Start judging what you do, what you plan to do, what you plan to text or email back, or what you will say on the phone or in person...start measuring all of that against those rules. Make those rules a habit!
Church is a great idea and I wholly recommend it! Many times I would go, feeling how you feel, and would sit through a sermon that I swear was written just for me. I abhorred the idea of discussing my marital situation with people at church, with friends, family, or coworkers. It brought (unnecessary) anxiety to my life until I learned a few lessons along the way. I get it - I do! Go anyway!
It's also great that you are working out and staying in such great shape! What does your routine look like? How is your eating?
I know this is all tough. There are so many emotions and thoughts going on simultaneously, at such high speeds, and with such constancy that it can drive a man crazy! I have been there. I have made the same mistakes too. You can do this! And you will be proud that you did.
-PM
M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
W is now communicating through D14. She went through her to make plans to do kid exchange. Know idea what caused that because everything seemed fine earlier.
Don't worry about it. She's in the castle and you are on your blanket.
Originally Posted By: errod
Today is the 15th of the month. I always change all the air filters and stuff on that day every month. Do I tell her that she needs to do it. Or not. If I don't she won't know until her HVAC unit clogs up.
What are your thoughts in favor of each potential action you could take? You could:
1) Tell her. 2) Not tell her. 3) Change the filters without saying anything.
Slow down and work out the pros and cons of each of those responses. Post them here and let's talk about them (I have a few minutes before church, otherwise it'll be later). Keep in mind your new rules that you are forcing into habit.
-PM
Edit: it's time to get a new thread started.
Last edited by PatientMan; 03/15/1502:20 PM.
M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
First off I want to thank everyone who has been helping through my journey. This message board is my lifeline right now.
1. Tell Her I can't think of any pro or con other then the fact I am still protecting her.
2. Not telling her She will never know until her HVAC unit stops working correctly and she pays someone to come out.
3. Change filters without saying anything. That is what I have been doing but I know longer have my key to the house. When I threw that tantrum last week I left it on the counter with my wedding ring. The only thing she brought me was my wedding ring saying I don't need a key. I do have another set but she does not know that, but I don't want to get caught either so I will not use it.
Me: 36 W: 36 D: 14 T: 18 (05/1997) M: 16 (05/1999) BD: 7/23/15 Separation 01/2015 D mentioned and started 02/2015 D filed 3/2015 OM confirmed 3/30/15
Tell her: Pros: Her filters get changed. She avoids costly HVAC issue. Cons: If you tell her can you see how she could view it as controlling? Not minding your own business? Not HEARING her when she says to basically leave her alone? Not respecting her words?
Don't tell her: Pros: You stay on your track. You are respecting her wishes. You are not controlling her. She learns self-reliance. Cons: Her filters don't get changed. She could potentially have an expensive HVAC issue.
Change filters without saying anything: Pros: avoid what is perceived as controlling behavior. She avoids HVAC issues (until the next time they need changed) Cons: she doesn't learn to be self-sufficient. You aren't learning to play in your own sand-box. You aren't learning how to respect her stated desires.
Those are just a few. So what do you think you should do and why?
-PM
P.S. For a new thread, go to the "For Newcomers" page (where all the threads are listed for this topic. Near the top left there is a button that reads, "New Topic".
M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
