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"MrBond - I have been clear and honest about my sitch. The post prior to your last one explains who did what first."

But you gave two separate answers as to your timeline which is important.

So just to be clear, you're now saying that SHE was the one who had a relationship with another person first and YOU began dating a married woman after that. Correct?


M-43 W-40
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Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

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MrBond - Yes. Please re-read the last thing I posted about how our marriage became non-monogamous.

Update: Things have been going well(?). Last weekend W and I and children had family pictures done with a close friend on Sunday. Afterwards kids, W and I went for pizza. Pictures were a little weird / strained, but I did my best, PMA all the way. Pizza was good. Toward end, kids ran off to play and W and I talked for a few mins. I told her it upset me and hurt my feelings that she is dating. She said me not dating was something she is weighing in her 'decision'. She said she had a great day and wants to continue doing this (separated, sharing the house, trading each week)until the kids graduate.

All I could think was HOW UNFAIR. My thoughts were raging with how nice it must be for her to be doing what she wants, with a husband and father at home to keep the kids, do the laundry, make lunches, help with homework, cook dinner, read bedtime stories, while she dates, and stays out late drinking, and keeps me on the hook of 'I want a divorce, but maybe not, but I definitely don't want to reconcile or acknowledge my responsibility, and I'm enjoying dating...blah blah blah'. Cake eating.

YES - I realize this is victim moaning. BUT, I didn't say any of this to her. I just smiled, said I understand you feel that way, and continued with my evening with the children after she left.

Now, get this, it's my week at the house with the children. She watches our youngest during the day, and picks up oldest from school, then when I get home at 5:30 she is supposed to leave. I get home yesterday and she's all dressed up. Says she's going to a local musician's show with friends I know. Great, have fun! I say. I'm in the back of the house when she leaves.

Later, after dinner, I step out to my car, and there is a truck I've never seen parked in front of my house. Not my neighbor's house, directly in front of my house.

I texted W and said "do you know who's truck this is in front of our house?" and received no answer what so ever. W ignored me.

It was a guy she was on a date with to the show with OUR friends.

She had him park his truck in front of our house and ride with her. Came back by the house sometime between 1 am and 6 am to drop guy off to get his truck.

How in the world should I react to this? This morning, when she arrived at the house to watch youngest so I could take oldest to school and go to work, I was pleasant and didn't mention anything.

But, GEEZ, really?! I feel like I'm being majorly disrespected. How would any of you address this? I don't want to push W away, but I also don't want to be completely disrespected and walked all over.

She had this date park and leave his truck in front of our house to go on a date with me and our children at home.

And now, she is asking if I'll watch kids overnight on Saturday on her weekend with kids. No explanation why. I'm going to tell her I already have plans, and I'm going to be out of town. And then I'll actually go out of town.

I have to vent. She is being incredibly selfish, self-centered, disrespectful, and rude, to me and our family.

I don't know how to set a boundary here without being condescending or a jerk. This is not ok with me. At all. How can I convey that in a way that preserves my dignity and protects me?

Should I just not address any of this at all? Let her do what she wants? Let her treat me and our family like this?

Last edited by Chnging; 11/05/14 04:26 PM.

H - 33 W - 31
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"Cake eating."

It's not cake eating. She's just doing what she wants to do which is what you should be doing too. Just because she's doing something that you can't control doesn't make it cake eating.

"I texted W and said "do you know who's truck this is in front of our house?" and received no answer what so ever. W ignored me."

She went to a music concert right? She could very well have not heard the phone. Mindreading.

"It was a guy she was on a date with to the show with OUR friends."

How do you know this EXACTLY?

"She is being incredibly selfish, self-centered, disrespectful, and rude, to me and our family."

Didn't you do the same when you had your A? What makes this any different?

"I don't know how to set a boundary here without being condescending or a jerk. This is not ok with me. At all. How can I convey that in a way that preserves my dignity and protects me?"

You can talk to her about it but you can't force her to do anything.

"Should I just not address any of this at all? Let her do what she wants? Let her treat me and our family like this?"

Treat you like what? She's living her life the way she wants to which is what everyone wants. You are the one who allows the bad feelings to come up in you. You're just getting a taste of how she felt when you carried on with the OW. It doesn't matter that you stopped your own A. She had to deal with all of that too.


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Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

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"Didn't you do the same when you had your A? What makes this any different?"

MrBond - I'm going to try to explain this one last time. I did not have an affair. The relationship I had with the OW was with the full knowledge and support and consent of my W. Eventually, my wife was upset and uncomfortable with the emotional aspects of that relationship. Now, I would agree this became an EA, and I ended it and have had NC since.

I also whole heartedly disagree with your reasoning here. So, if you wrong someone, make a mistake, and it hurts their feelings, then that person is completely justified in doing wrong to you?

I disagree. Period. If my W cheated / cheats on me, has an A, and she has in the past, then am I justified in doing the same?

No.

Period.

If you think anyone is justified in having an A for any reason, I must be clear and let you know that I do not see eye to eye with you on this.

I was never justified in doing anything to punish, hurt, or get revenge on my W for her transgressions, and conversely, neither is she toward me.

"Treat you like what? She's living her life the way she wants to which is what everyone wants. You are the one who allows the bad feelings to come up in you. You're just getting a taste of how she felt when you carried on with the OW. It doesn't matter that you stopped your own A. She had to deal with all of that too."

Yes, she did and is having to deal with fallout from my mistakes. However, I am appalled at your cavalier attitude that she is justified in returning the favor.

I don't think you understand my sitch at all. I am not trying to play 'victim' here, but for all intents and purposes, my current sitch is my W is a WAW and I am a LBS.

Please, stop replying to my thread.

________________________________________________________________

I texted W back after my IC appointment today, with a simple "I already have plans that weekend. I won't be available."

She responded with "Fine."

Then a few mins later "What are you doing?"

I don't think I'm going to reply. I'm planning on taking a trip out of town alone. Better to leave some mystery?


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"I did not have an affair. The relationship I had with the OW was with the full knowledge and support and consent of my W. "

And I will explain this to you one last time. When you have sex with someone who is not your spouse, it's an affair. Period. The sooner you understand that, the easier your situation will be to fix. You said your W was hurt by what you did. That's how spouses feel when they are betrayed in a relationship. It's why you feel the way you do now. Why are you getting upset about this?

"I don't think you understand my sitch at all. I am not trying to play 'victim' here,"

Oh I understand it very well. I've seen many people with the exact same situation you've been in and I've seen what they did to save their marriages. You seem to only want to listen to what you want to and dispel the advice that you don't agree with.

She does have a right to do what she wants to just as you do. Does it make it morally right? Of course not, but you two already broke that rule when you both went outside the M and introduced other people. That's why your W doesn't feel the need to be bound my your moral attitudes at the moment.

I'll tell you one last thing. The main thing that saved my M and many others that have come and gone through this website is that we listened to any and all advice given to us. Especially the ones that we disagreed with. You can learn something from everyone.

In fact, DBing is about doing something different. Just because you interpret something one way (you saying your W is in an "A" and you weren't), doesn't mean that everyone (especially your W) has to agree with you.

Have you ever thought that what I tell you is what your W could be thinking? And that if you figured out a way to answer and change the challenges I bring up, that you situation could actually get better?

But hey, I saved my M. What you do is up to you.


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

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MrBond - I read over some of your posts and threads.

I know I haven't been here long, and haven't detailed a lot of things. However, I am definitely in the I want to save my marriage and family but my spouse doesn't circumstance.

I'm open to your advice. Please, lay some on me. Appreciation in advance.


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Right now, your situation is harder than most because both of you stepped out on the M. That's why I asked for clarification if it was you or your W who did it first. In your first post here, you said you were the first, then changed it to your W. It's not uncommon for the LBS to change their stories to make them seem like the victim.

Now, I said your situation is "harder" but NOT impossible. Don't make her relationship with the OM the sole source of your attention. I say relationship rather than an A because you were okay with carrying on with another woman who wasn't your W. That's the first thing you need to acknowledge.

Next, realize that she was hurt as well by you (as per your first post) and your emotional attachment to the OW.

So now that brings you back to Square One. What issues were there in your M? Write them all down. What were you like when you two first M'd? What are some things that you KNOW that others may not about her?

Detail these out and be objective. If you were an @$$ to her, then say so and explain how. Only then can we create solutions for you.


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

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Still here?


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
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