[onyi]

Christmas is going to be a hard time. We used to spend together with our parents and her grandma, lately with her mother. Now I have chosen to be on night work on Christmas Eve. Suppose, I should refuse any dinner invitation (in case).

[onyi]

I don’t know, whether the frightening and explicit criminal things the OM’s partner said about the dark past of W and OM are true but analyzing retrospectively I guess so. (see by 3 posts earlier) But this nice young woman desperately wants OM back, loves him, dependent on him, so it is not in her interest to lie about him to me. Of course, I can’t and won’t ask my W, as I came to a mental state where I can’t believe a word of her. Derived from OM’s partner description, OM must be a narcissistic psychopath with a pedophilic pattern, and I should advise her to forget him. (against my interest). It is highly improbable, that OM will suddenly change to his advantage now in his late 60s, so predictably their A won’t last. But I got uncertain, whether I would be able to take back my W.

[Mozza]

If they are true, those are big revelations about the OM's past. I wouldn't know how to handle them from a legal perspective, but I doubt that you have any power. Also, it is not advised around here because it's unlikely to help you. The amount of lies, the past of the OM and the strength of the marriage that you describe are all reasons to be hopeful. There's no guarantee but there is a path to reconciliation in your sitch.

In the meantime, I see your doubts about whether you'd be able to take back your W as an example of your own progress during the separation. It's good that you become able to see your options because if she's ever to come back, you shouldn't take her back out of desperation, but as a choice and one that you are willing to let go if she doesn't meet certain milestones.

Patience. Try to work on yourself in the meantime.

[onyi]

Mozza, I highly appreciate your patience dealing with my sitch. Your wise evaluation gave me back some piece of self-confidence.

I think, today I committed a big mistake. I met W’s mother, who invited me to Christmas dinner. I answered I only can go if her daughter will not be present. She asked why we couldn’t be friends. I couldn’t help telling her that I should protect myself. I reported on OM’s partner of 18 years which was to her big surprise. I said, if I were her mother I would fear for W’s future, but it was not my business anymore. I said that I had had to face a huge amount of lies and dirt from a world I didn’t belong to, and couldn’t follow W. I regretted telling all this immediately and repeatedly asked her to keep all between us because W is mentally inaccessible in her present sate and telling W anything toxic just would make her hate me. I am convinced it is just as if I were speaking to W, her mother will pass to her everything asap.

[Mozza]

I'm afraid, you're right: it will get to W straight away, enhanced by MIL's recollection and opinion... Oh well, what they say around here is that a mistake is not the end of the world, that you should dust yourself up and keep going.

Know that the only reason I haven't done the same thing is that I'm never in touch with my in-laws. I imagine dialogues with W, in-laws, etc. where I pour my heart out and it's not nice to W. I'm afraid they would come out as nice little packages given the opportunity.

Lesson: avoid temptation. That's why you should cut the conversations short. Remember next time, not for us, but for yourself. Also know that if you don't speak up, the truth will be known sooner or later and your stature will be enhanced by your respectful behavior.

[onyi]

Thank you Guys for Your support so far.
I have cut all contact with W, didn’t answer calls, mails. She stopped. To my surprise, the revelatory knowledge made me somewhat relieved. I got rid of self-blaming. I caught myself singing while walking in the street, joking with the cashier at the groceries and with the waiter. Yesterday attended the pre-Christmas party with my co-workers and was dancing until late night. (“until nosebleed” in my native language slang). Sadly, I have never been given the happiness of dancing with W, she just felt embarrassed at it, even when nobody could see us. I engaged in long conversations with some not too well known-to-me colleagues. Cracked some well accepted jokes. All this but the last one are unusual of me.

[onyi]

I have learned that OM’s ex grew up fatherless, like W. She may have been about 18-20 when started her R with the 30 y older OM, seemingly specialized in young, damaged girls.
Poor soul has gotten stuck in a much earlier phase of the emotional process than I am in. I am trying to give her some point using the knowledge and wisdom collected here in this wonderful community. Thank you once more.

[onyi]

I’m rereading my previous post, and I’m surprised at its tone. It was only a transient euphoria induced by sleep deprivation.

W sent me a small Christmas gift, a pack of special cake. This cake is from a place, where we spent a happy week hiking in the surrounding hills years ago. A small letter included: “You are mistaken thinking I have forgotten our life.” Note that she still spends every second of her life with OM, her childhood perverter.
What is it to mean? I think she is just purposefully tearing my wounds. What am I supposed to do?

[onyi]

Here is my summary of my success story.
Success, but not the way I wanted, planned, or even could imagine. W had a childhood sexual trauma, determining her future development. She never admitted to me, so I have never had the chance of helping her, or preventing her fate. The hidden sin was present deep in our life, giving retrospective understanding of some disfunctionality I considered entirely my fault. We were sitting over a time-bomb that finally fulfilled its purpose. Her perverter (OM) reached out from the dark past and claimed back his victim.
The action of W made me get to know the OM previous prey. Getting close to her a new world opened to me, with such deepness, richness and beauty of soul and human totality, that have been hidden from me and I was even unaware of its existence. The feeling of miracle is mutual. (I know what rebound R is, but we are convinced that it is far beyond that.)
I can’t interpret it otherwise than the merciful intervention of God, who elevated me from the very deepness of hell to the heaven. I have not deserved this but this is my most important task for the future.
The rest is simply legal.
I could hardly be here without the support I got here. Thank you.