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#2499584 10/22/14 05:21 PM
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RachelC Offline OP
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I am so glad I found this site and the book. Although, I am in the thick of things it is really helping me to get through the rough moments. A little about me and my situation...

I married my best friend 12 years ago. I am 41 and he is 48. We have two sons 9 and 11. The past two years we have had our ups and downs. But, I have always subscribed to, "we will get through this and grow." This past March my H told me that he loved me, but not like he used to and wasn't sure he wanted to stay married. I did all the wrong things, I started to cater to him and ask him how he was feeling about our M once a week. Then my resentment set in, he wasn't trying at all. I would get upset and tell him I needed my needs met to. This probably happened once a month. In April we found out he had prostrate cancer. Part of me thought this was going to make us stronger. He had his prostrate removed in July and I was sure we were on the right path. But then I starting feeling resentful and he started shutting down.

I began going to a therapist because I was just sure he was having an affair and I needed to work that out as I was obviously projecting my fear. My therapist starting pointing out that my husband sounded like he was suffering from a MLC. The symptoms I have seen, started working out hard core two years ago. Became body obsessed. Became increasingly unhappy with his job. Developed a temper with our sons, he was always very good with emotions before. Started snapping at me. Shut down all communication when it came to serious discussions. I am sure there is more, but I won't bore you.
Last week he told me that he loved me but not the way I wanted him to and that we should have some space. Once again I did everything you aren't supposed to do, crying, begging, pleading, etc. which made him even more clear that he did by want to be married.

I immediately started researching and reading. Learned all I could about MLC and techniques that could stop divorce. He hasn't let and I have made sure I don't talk to him about anything serious anymore. He is very depressed, but won't admit it or get help. It is hard because my sweet wonderful husband that used to hug and kiss me all the time, wants nothing to do with that. We have fun conversations and I am always laughing and smiling. I have started schedule bucket list items for myself, something I needed to do even without this situation. I am making a big effort with my sons and making sure they are ok.

We are going on a family trip in two weeks, so I know I have to be very strong and not move to move to my bad habits. I have a constant dialog with myself and remind myself he is still here and he still seems to enjoy my company. I am really focused on me now and when I do get upset, I try to determine the underlying reason rather than just blaming him.

Hopefully there are several DBs that have survived MLC and that I will be one of them.

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Rachel,

Sorry to find you here. However, you'll find a bunch of supportive people here who will guide you along the journey and support you when things get hairy or frustrating.

A couple of questions...

-What makes you think that H is in MLC?
-Did something occur that was tragic or traumatic for H?
-Could you describe all of that in a bit more detail?

I do see the part about having prostate cancer. What incidents occurred pre and post cancer removal?

Keep posting here and in other threads so you'll get more responses back in your own thread.

Wonka #2501277 10/27/14 11:48 PM
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RachelC Offline OP
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I can name one incident. He has been increasingly unhappy over the past three years. His parents have recently gotten very ill. The prostate cancer was the tipping point.

I found this quote on his iPad

So many people live within unhappy circumstances and yet will not take the initiative to change their situation because they are conditioned to a life of security, conformity, and conservatism, all of which may appear to give one peace of mind, but in reality nothing is more dangerous to the adventurous spirit within a man than a secure future. The very basic core of a man’s living spirit is his passion for adventure. The joy of life comes from our encounters with new experiences, and hence there is no greater joy than to have an endlessly changing horizon, for each day to have a new and different sun.

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RachelC,

Be thankful you found DB and this site as soon as you did. This will probably prevent a lot of mistakes moving forward. I wish I had found it sooner.
I wish you lots of luck. As the spouse of a MLC, you have my complete support.

Best,

RAI


Me 48 XW 45
lots o' kids
D April 2017
RAI #2503518 11/03/14 03:31 PM
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Rachel, congratulations on having such a fluent MLC spouse. Mine just developed a man-crush on Walter White from Breaking Bad. (Hope you're hearing this in the spirit offered...)

You're in good company here, keep posting.

And do you mind adding your stats to your signature line? It makes it easier to follow along.


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.

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