Thanks for the support everyone. It means so much. I will take my time, pray and think about this. I will check out Train's thread, as well. No hasty decisions.
Me 38, WAW 30 D11 (former marriage) S2 T 8 years M 3 years BD 8/20/23 S 8/20/23
Card, GoatGal posted this on my thread a few days ago, I think it might be helpful. PeterV2 said he did something similar when his XW was ugly to him, and you might recognize some parenting practices and dog training in there too...
Maybell, I understand your frustration.
Sounds like setting some boundaries is in order. He's their father, seems he's got to step up for them regardless of his feelings about the M.
I've struggled with that too--still am, in fact.
How to get him to uphold his end without being bossy, controlling, complaining, or creating negative interactions.
Finally, I decided that it wasn't so much what I said, as what I did.
I figured out what my boundaries were, and when he crossed them, he got "consequences."
He doesn't let me know he's coming. Then I don't see him when he's here and go dark. He blows off his night to take care of the animals for no good reason... I go dark and go out and GAL. I know he sees the bill...
I don't know what might work for you, but there's got to be a way to have some "natural consequences" in place that don't require you to be the responsibility cop, but are an outgrowth of his dropping the ball.
He doesn't show up when he's supposed to, you all go on without him. If the kids get upset at him, then they do. Then he has to explain it to them.
I know this sounds overly simplistic and I don't mean it to be. I'm sure you've thought of all this yourself. Just trying to get the old creative juices flowing.
He's not filling your love tank. Of course he's not. He's struggling enough trying to keep himself afloat.
Maybe try and think of it that right now he has nothing left to give. I don't think he is capable, no matter what he says, or however he may lead you to believe that he might.
Building a relationship with him now is pretty much out of the question. He's not ready. Try to focus on the small things, the MANY small things we all are reading in your sitch.
He has to experience the consequences of his actions in the real world. If the children turn away from them, if he loses out on opportunities with them, then that's the price he pays.
I'm not saying your childrens' relationship with him isn't vitally important. It is. But it's not your job to to smooth things over for him, if that's even what you do on occasion.
Try and find ways to deal with things without depending on him. Let him feel what that's like, to be on the outside of the family.
Not in a mean way, just let nature take its course, ya know?
If you could accept that he was ill, would you expect him to fulfill many of your emotional needs, or to uphold an equitable share of the parenting and day-to-day responsibilities?
Perhaps this is another way of looking at it. Because if he really IS in MLC, he is not himself, he is depressed/mixed up and it will only cause resentment if your expectations are not met.
Now--if he gives you grief about taking care of things without him, that's another story!
Again, sorry if this sounds simplistic and dopey. It's just what I've been dealing with.
What to "allow/excuse" and what to insist upon.
I soon realized that my "insisting" did nothing more than push him further away. So I appreciate all he DOES do, and he does more.
Natural consequences and positive reinforcement.
It's all AMOEBA training!
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
More great advice! Thanks for sharing. I have thought of one way I will set a boundary around myself...I accepted a new position a few months ago (but still haven't transitioned...long story...). Accepted it in July. It is a "step up" and requires slightly better dress. At the time, WAW said she would go with me to help me shop for clothes. Just a few days before the dating convo, she told me again that she wanted to go with me (I haven't upgraded the wardrobe yet due to financial strain of all of this crap as well as the fact that I am indefinitely stuck in my current position). It is clear to me now that I do not want to do things like that with her if she is pursuing OM, or even open to the idea. I'm not going to call her and tell her this. I will shop by myself, and will only address it with her if she brings it up again.
Me 38, WAW 30 D11 (former marriage) S2 T 8 years M 3 years BD 8/20/23 S 8/20/23
just reading up on your thread to help me consider how to handle IF my situation gets to the point that my W wants to date others. something I'm not really wanting to think about right now.
thanks for updates
me-42 w-33 d-3 together-6 m-4yr 6/1/14-w check out 6/15/14-EA? 8/1/14-mc 9/1/14-IDLY-started DBing 9/15/14-w suggest separation 10/17/14 wife is done 12/13/2014 - wife move out me file 1/1/15
