I can only speak for me. I didnt love myself. Not really. When this began, I realized a great many things about me. Some good, some not good. I didnt see myself as lovable because two of the most important relationships in life...my mother and my h, didnt value me and didnt think I was enough.
I know now that I am the only one that gets to define my worth. But I allowed them to do that. When I looked at who I was, it wasnt the person I wanted to be.
I think expecting someone to make us happy is a terrible burden to put on someone. Imagine being responsible for someone else's happiness.
So I had to learn to be good within myself. I had to learn that I was worthy and enough. I had to choose joy in my life. Everyday. In the people in it. In the things around me. It was my choice.
A partner shouldnt determine your happiness. They should add to a life you find joy in. For me, finding that including being really good with who I was. Happiness and joy really are choices we can make.
Backslides are going to happen, S. Its what you do with them that matters. Letting go is one of the hardest things in all of this. It is counterintuitive to what you think you should be doing.
And no, it doesnt work that way...where he should stop what he is doing because you are hurting. The truth is that he is hurting, too. It may not seem that way, but, he is. No one's happiness is more important than another's.
You will get to the place of detachment when you get there. We all do this in our own time and in our own way.
It helped me to remember that having those thoughts about what his actions meant wasnt serving me well because I couldnt possibly know. So, why continue to watch them?
Faith matters. Sometimes we have to take the first step even when we cant see the whole staircase.
Good on you for how you handled that with your daughter. You are fortunate that he has stepped up. You did the right thing in telling him what you did..
You asked about my changes. There were plenty of them. I took what my h said and looked at them. I determined which ones had merit and threw the rest away. I looked at who I wanted to be. While I looked at what he said, I didnt make the changes because he said them. I made them because I could see that I wanted to change those things about me.
If you are looking and wondering why he doesnt see the changes, then they arent for you. I got to a point where it didnt matter to me if he saw or not. What mattered is that I was good with them.
I can understand not wanting to be in the house. Why not make changes to it? Make it more you. Make new good memories in it with your daughter.
I can see where the move would mean a fresh start, but, you still have to take you with you, ya know? Im not saying it wouldnt be good for you. I dont know that. Only you do. I am just saying that it doesnt matter where you are, you still have to do the work or it comes with you.
That's exactly what I'm doing, card. I started my list. And I'm thinking if ways to put it all into practice every day. Have you started your list??
Yes but it evolves as I think of things or make progress (which is honestly limited so far). I downloaded a journal app a few weeks ago and have been using it for jotting down random thoughts, saving key DB posts, whatever. Among the entries from September is my 180 list. It is definitely a living list as I add or change things every week or so.
On top of my "180 topics", I also use this. I'm not exactly sure where I found it - a recent DB thread, a classic thread shared with me or someone else, or somewhere else on the internet. It is a 180 inspiration list. In my journal I highlighted the words I want to focus on in green, the negative words I need to practice avoiding in red, and things I want to pay special attention to for my W (now or in the future) highlighted in blue. So my inspiration looks like this:
I've done better the past few days. Much more detached. Less in pain. Living more me centric. It's not easy but I'm getting the feeling that it's kind of like riding a bike... If you slow down, your balance suffers... Keep pedaling! So that's what I'm doing. Not climbing any mountains just yet, just pedaling on flat ground for now. I'm slowly getting my mind in the right place.
Tonight H texted me asking if he could come over and kiss D goodnight at 7:30 ( that's their usual time to talk on the phone). He came over, played with her and the dog for a bit, chit chatted with me for a bit (no indication of anger or frustration or even hard feelings which is somewhat strange to me), helped ad brush her teeth, tucked her in and then came downstairs and sat on the couch.
We talked about next week and D's karate tournament as well as Halloween and the plan, what time we'd head to our friends' house, etc. I asked him if he'd be able to pick up a veggie platter to bring since I'd be up to my elbows in costume readiness and make up (D's costume requires an HOUR of make up). He said no problem and then got up to leave. Said goodnight and said, "see you tomorrow" with a big smile on his face. Wtf?
Not thinking anything about it. It means nothing. At least nothing significant.
Tomorrow should be very fun. I know d has been excited for weeks. Combine that with the amount of candy she's sure to intake tomorrow and she's going to be insane so I'd better rest up.
I hope you are all well. I'm regaining my inner strength and look forward to providing support again instead of just taking it. Very soon... I hope.
Wow. The tri-polar activity of the WAS's is mind boggling sometimes.
Me 47 - W 35 M 9 - T 10 2 Daughters - 7 & 9 Discovery of EA- 8/4/14 S - 8/5/15 D mentioned - 9/11/14 R & Piecing - 3/17/15 Regard one another as more important than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3
Easier said than done I know but just have a good time. Go into w/the expectation that it will be fun and it just might be! I spent 3 1/2 days w/W and kids & I let myself have a great time. That spirit is infectious even to WAS. Think about it like this, if you had a friend you knew had a deadly sickness would you look for reasons to fight? No ofcourse not. Funny thing is, I bet your D picks up her mood from how y'all interact. I know my kids do. Long story short, have a good time. PEOPLE R GIVING AWAY CANDY FOR GOODNESS SAKES! whats not to love about that. Good luck!
M40 XW35 M11 T15 S9 D5 Bomb 6/3/14 Papers del 10/3/14 D final 12/5/14
I wish I could love you and make you believe it 'Cause that's all you ever wanted From me
Does a opening up to it mean acceptance? I am really trying but it is a lot to ask to succumb to the life someone else has chosen for you, you know? Add to that the impact on D that H seems to ignore because he doesn't want to face that this could actually be hard on her (lest he feel guilty) and acceptance seems silly and almost cruel. I realize that fighting it is futile... Is there no middle ground?
Yes, being open to it means acceptance because this is the life we have. Not accepting means you're not looking at reality, you keep wishing to fix the past or fix your H. I know, I was there.
"It's a lot...to succumb to the life someone else has chosen for you." (I hate the term but, stinkin thinkin)...it is tough to do. I have a couple of things to say about that, first, it rings of my H's feelings when he left and two, that's the little, scared girl in you talking. What if you change that to "this sux but I've been given an opportunity to work on stuff I know I need to work on and become a better R partner, a better mother, better business person, better friend? To be OK WITH ME! My H may grow and change and become my partner again or I may find a new partner more suited for the new me. Either way, I win."
Not all gifts are wrapped in pretty paper with bows.
About your D, this is a difficult thing for kids but they do better when the parents do better. Show her that you will all get through this together and you will. She may always grieve the loss but she can learn to deal with that appropriately, just as we do with other loss situations. Be her rock, her listening ear but don't automatically think she has the same feelings you do.
You don't know that your H is ignoring the effects of D on your D. What do you know to be true about how your H interacts and cares for D, right now, today? When we try to figure out the motives of others we are often led to where our mind is, not where their mind is. Mind-reading is dangerous.
Let go of blame, forgive him for being stupid or short-sighted or lost or in a fog or whatever and let it go. Put all that focus where it can do some good, you and D.
Quote:
I mean, my life right now consists of a part time, hopefully temporary job, possible temporary living arrangements, awkward holidays... How does one open up to that? How do I create some permanence, consistency, predictability for D and I?
You control you. You can control whether holidays are awkward or not. You can control the consistency, maybe predictability (I'm not sure what you mean there). Permanence doesn't happen. For anyone. Life is constantly changing. Which you may come to see as a good thing because even tho you may have some very low, lows there can also be some amazing joyful highs.
I get what you're saying, I controlled to the nth degree in order to guard against unpredictable things popping up. I was filled with so much fear that I would be blamed for the bad, unpredictable things. It would all be my fault. I would be punished.
I couldn't see that everyone around me was miserable. And so was I. My attempts to control things outside myself didn't save me.
Quote:
I think that's why this NorCal job is so tempting. Change big enough to start over. Granted, I'm seeing some escapism on my part in the decision but I'm looking at that. It may not be the best idea but I haven't even been granted an interview yet so it's not like I'm moving next week.
Escape fantasies are fun. I lived some of my escape fantasies throughout my life, changing jobs, moving house, moving from one state to another. I had many more in the year after H left, my friends probably tired of hearing them but I was given some very good advice, don't make any big decisions like selling house (unless have to), moving away, new R for at least a year. We're so full of emotion that we're not able to make a decision based in fact. Not unlike our WASs when they just have to get out of the marriage.
With my previous escapes I always found that wherever I went, there I was.
Quote:
And labug, I am a survivor but I am brought to my knees when I think about D. I can't make this stop for her, protect her from it. Part of me despises H for thinking she's "fine" and will continue to be "fine". He doesn't want to face his decision as being hard on anyone but himself and I never knew he could be that kind of man. It makes me cringe to think I picked someone who could do this to her and convince himself that it's not that big of a deal. I just can't reconcile that.
Do you really think your H wants to hurt your D? Go back to what you know to be true. I think what scares us the most is our S was so unhappy with us that they feel this is the only way.
If your H is truly that shallow and uncaring then you're better off without him. But a shallow, uncaring guy doesn't call to see if he can come over and kiss his D good night.
Get out of his head, stay in yours. There was a phrase that another ex-poster used for those times when you might want to spin what the WAS is saying or doing "Isn't that interesting." In my experience, I did a lot of mind-reading and I can tell you that I've since found out from H that I was wrong 90% of the time.
Quote:
And, if I'm making all these changes and YOU all can see that, why is H so closed off and blind to my changes?
We don't know that he isn't seeing them, that's your story and your timeline. Read The Untethered Soul again. ((( )))
You're doing great but peeling these layers is painful. Don't expect otherwise and it makes it easier.
Hope today is a better day.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
