Seeing a lawyer is for your piece of mind and to protect your interests. He/she will be able to tell you what to do and not to do in the interim period. No one has to file. It's just risk management. If you wait till you are served papers, you may get caught with your pants down.
OK...LRT a little modified. Please don't give her exercises that remind her of the past. At least not for now. One of these days she'll have to put on her big girl pants and not fly off the handle when negative emotions arise.
OK. She wants to work on it "this week". Next week may tell a different story (if I'm reading your posts closely enough).
I suggest you live in separate households until she's real clear about wanting back into the marriage. I suggested 6 mos. This may sound a bit drastic. But why not try dating for 6 mos and let her get all hot and heavy for you, sneaking in sex when you can, and then have her beg you to move in cause she can't get enough of that Gogofo love. ;-)
We are not moving in, not for a while. Our tentative timeline is for me to get my house in order, bathroom remodel finished, storage rooms cleaned, and the house in a state to be ready to sell. At this point she can re-evaluate our living situation. We are in no hurry right now. My goal is just to string together good interaction after good interaction.
Long post alert...
Last night she invited me back over for dinner during for the kid swap. She had dinner she wanted to cook for us, she even offered to get groceries for me if I knew what I wanted.
We cooked dinner, together, which was like the old us. When we were eating it was nice. Shared a bottle of wine that was a gift for me from her aunt in Spain (Txakoli for those who know). In the middle of it she out of the blue says "how come I can't like you all the time like I do right now?" She just came straight out and said that and then followed with "I don't understand why I wasn't worth it before."
I responded with telling her she was always worth it, now I understand that and how my actions made her feel like she wasn't and how I want to change, etc.
So the relationship talks were on, but this time without high emotions. Also this time she started to take ownership over things in her life and how she feels. At one point I flat out just said that I assume she has things that she wants to change about herself, and she agreed and shared with me.
The one quick explanation for M crumbling is that she gave and gave and gave and worked hard at keeping us happy and doing things in the M. She took care of a lot of things and I let her. Things were equal in the beginning, but as time went on and things progressed the was doing a lot more and I wasn't, things were not even close to equitable. She tried her ass off and I reaped the benefits. The issue being I was a taker and used to getting taken care of and she was a giver and getting taken advantage of.
She said her angry feelings are from being mad at me and herself. Me for taking advantage and her for allowing it to happen instead of calling me on my sh!t. We also made a lot of assumptions that created issues with our perception of the other's actions. The biggest was that I must not care if I wasn't trying.
We talked for a couple of hours sharing the issues we have currently and the last issue that had her file papers. She said that she needs to take control of what she wants to and does not want to do. She said she felt pressured by me and my pace and felt that she had to go file so she could have control over how she felt. My pressure was forcing pain into her life. We discussed some assumptions that caused this and also that she needs to take ownership in the pace. She can't just be an innocent bystander.
I asked her what would "convincing" look like. She honestly said she had no idea. I said that it was alright, but when she has an idea it is important she lets me know. She has an unrealistic expectation that I should know exactly what she wants/needs and how to do it (her words). I told her that she needs to share what she wants and needs, no one can read her mind, and it kills and frustrates me to play this game.
My IC told me that "only psychopaths know exactly what others want, and that is a compliment, this is what makes them so effective." Made me laugh and feel a little more sane when he told me this. I felt like a self centered idiot for not being able to meet her expectations.
She hoped she would feel better when she signed the papers Wednesday, she said she didn't. She spent all day Saturday crying and feeling overwhelmed.
I made her positively answer that she wanted to work on fixing our M and she did agree. She is apprehensive, but I told her she needs to take control of the pace and have some ownership in the process.
We are going to have a night out at a concert on Wednesday. I asked her and told her it was up to her, no pressure either way.
I am going to follow the LRT pretty close and modify as needed when progress happens in our M, but I will be going at it slowly. We do not need these one week on one week off situations. Both our nerves are very fragile and we cannot take much more.
The hardest part was to trust in the method. I stopped the conversation at what felt like a high point, said I needed to go home and left. I really wanted to stay but kept telling myself that the best thing for us is to be apart right now.
So anyone reading this that feels that pursuing and pressuring will help, trust the method. My W flat out told me that she wanted to be with me but felt forced to file because I was pressuring her and she was not allowed to progress at her pace.
I don't know how much more of a definitive example you could find. Straight out of the WAW's mouth; do not pressure or pursue, they will feel forced into making decisions that they don't want to make just to make the pain or pressure stop.
M:34 XW:34 Together: 10y Living: 9y Married: 7y Son:6 Son:4 Separated: 12/28/13 Piecing: 5/2/14 Separated 2nd: 10/16/14 W filed, but pulled it: 11/5/14 papers served: 1/27/15 D final: 3/6/15
That sounds very positive, gogo. Very wise to take it slowwww. I am more learning from your sitch than advising you, so I'll just encourage you to keep it up. There is a lot of very healthy interaction there.
Me 38, WAW 30 D11 (former marriage) S2 T 8 years M 3 years BD 8/20/23 S 8/20/23
Gogo, I resonated so much with your description of how you got here in your sitch. Its amazing how much hindsight allows us to see. Sounds like there is room for possibility for you though. Hopefully she will figure things out. You seem to have a really calm grasp of your sitch though. Good for you.
M: 43 W: 43 Married 6 yrs. T: 7 yrs. Son 20, 18, 17, 15 yrs. (w/ Autism), 12, 10
Slow and easy. LRT I think helps. It's gonna take months before she's really ready.
No moving in for quite some time. Let her learn to value you.
By the way you don't have to own her version of the story: you were a taker, and she was a giver. Just listen.
Gogofo -- you are a good man fighting for your marriage. Don't forget that YOU are worth fighting for, too. There's a long line of lovely women waiting for your wife to screw this up. Remember that. You have options ;-)
She has an unrealistic expectation that I should know exactly what she wants/needs and how to do it (her words).
I don't know if she reads romance novels, but I use to read a lot. One common theme I saw in them was how the hero always seem to know exactly what the woman was thinking and exactly what she desired. IDK, maybe it is a misconception that some girls get at some point, but reading these fiction stories that all give that same message, sure doesn't help straighten things out. It does cause problems for the men....and for the women, as well.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
