IF what happens to former spouses is going to be some barometer for OUR happiness and life, OR if we let it effect our happiness and life then we're forever tied to them and their problems & baggage or their happiness. Why would we choose ^^that?
Their life as of now, cannot matter to our life. The 2 are NOT connected.
If you confront what you're really feeling it'll startle you. I mean when she dropped the bomb on you, I can relate to the blow to the ego. (WE ALL CAN). But now, years later, for you to still wish ill for her (even if it's only half serious) means your detachment work has just slid backwards a lot...AND It means you are still using a scorecard.
Scorecards damage marriages and sometimes they even destroy them. When we keep score, we built resentment and we hinder or prevent forgiveness.
We also break the "love does not keep a record of wrongs" piece of many wedding ceremonies. That's why I advise dropping the scorecard. But here you are, dusting it off to see if she is "finally lonely" b/c that is what is "Fair" to you, and if not, YOU will be sad....(yes??)
What is that^^ really telling you? With the work you did on yourself, can you agree that much (or all?) of it was needed?
IF so, then there were some things legitimately lacking in the marriage, and her needs were unmet for awhile, correct? Okay....So what if she's finally happy?
Why isn't that actually a decent good thing? Heck, You loved the woman and down deep, don't you want good things for her? I bet a small voice is saying "yes sure, BUT only if I also have good things happening in MY life!!" at which point my advice is for you to focus on your life and what is still missing in it. B/c if you were content in it, if you were at peace with your present choices, her wining the lottery or marrying the affair partner, would NOT bother you at all.
On a good day you might even wish her well. Finally, the fact that she is marrying the affair partner is good news in my opinion. Why? Think INSTEAD, IF she left you for a man she never married, AND yet married someone else down the road, -- that would mean that 1) she left you just for "some guy" who didn't even matter that much to her to last; AND 2) when the A finally fizzled out with OM..., She did not go back to find YOU, and say "Whoops!! I Messed up! Take me Back Please. I GET IT NOW!!!" -- but instead, she found another man instead of you...again...
See my point? This way, she marries THE guy for whom she left you. She got swept up into a big fat romance and voila, she married him! I think it's less painful if you look at it that^^ way. So why not look at it that way?
Just some food for thought and my last .02 (probably)
Please just, feel better. This too shall pass. This could provide the impetus for you to make that final break, of real true detachment. Where the head goes, the heart will follow (if we let it). So, Let it.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Also, keep in mind, your WAW is marrying someone who also divorced. Maybe they will be happy, maybe not. When you run away from your problems, you actually bring them with you. If she's lucky she will have learned and grown from all the damage she caused.
And you are already better off, whether you realize it or not.
M: 43 H: 39 D: 14 Married 15 Together 16 BD: 6/2014 S: 8/2014 OW revealed 10/2014 Instigated dissolution 12/2014, in progress So over it!
Thanks 25yearsmlc. You are right, this definitely brought about a backslide in detachment for me. And I think you are right that much of this does boil down to the problem of comparison or keeping score. I'm working hard on transitioning to a new life (preparing my house for sale, transitioning my career, etc). I'm trying to do that transition the right way instead of doing it in a panic, which will mean getting a reasonable price for the house and getting the job I really want instead of just running away from everything (I'm in a tough field in terms of career transitions). I think this is the right approach despite many times wanting to burn the house to the ground, jump in the car and just drive until I couldn't go any further. It is tough to be stuck in "our" house which will never feel like "mine".
It is a terrible comparison to make, when your WAW jumps into another relationship that she's already been fostering with someone else, and their kids, and house, etc. And it is certainly a blow to the ego - reinforcing the sense of tossed aside and replaced. It took more than a year for me to recover from everything financially and adapt to a single income with not much change in expenses. I am finally at a place where I'm building the future, not just scrambling to survive the present.
In that context, it is really difficult to not compare my situation to hers and draw conclusions about fairness, even though I know that comparison is problematic.
"Comparison is the thief of joy." -Teddy Roosevelt
I really hope that it will be easier to fully detach once I'm out of this limbo and I've completely rebooted. And I also need to accept that life just isn't fair or just. Bad things happen to good people, and good things happen to bad people. Maybe there is karma, but if so, it isn't my responsibility, right?
A separate issue is the ugly feeling I get when I imagine a group of people I counted as friends and family gathering to celebrate/legitimize the terrible thing she did. I guess I need to detach from that as well, though it really makes me question my relationships with people now. Trusting people not to betray me, even those beyond a romantic relationship, is easier said than done.
Me:40 EX-WAW:39 M:9 T:19, No Kids EA/PA with co-worker started: 9/24/12 - ongoing ILYBINILWY, S:9/25/12 MC 9/12-12/12 D: 9/13/13 EX-WAW and affair partner marrying 10/17/14
First of all, my heart goes out to you. What you went through is horrific. Your ex marrying her affair partner is salt on the wound and certainly is something you still need to process and grieve over.
My general thoughts:
1. Yes, what happened is unfair. It feels like you get sucker-punched, kicked to the curb, replaced, while your ex moves on to happy life. Your wife broke a promise to you, committed adultery and abandoned you. It's supposed to feel unfair. If you have any modicum of self-respect, human feeling or sense of justice, you are going to feel like you were run over by a train. I'd be worried about you if you weren't wallowing in anger, revenge fantasies and self-pity. This is normal. The question sometimes, isn't "Why do bad things happen to good people?", but rather, "Why do good things happen to bad people?" Or, "Why do evil people flourish?" The problem is thousands of years old. If you are a Bible reader, look at Psalm 73, it's all about that very theme. Read it. I won't spoil it for you, but remember: nothing escapes God's eyes.
2. Shirley Glass in her book, Not Just Friends, talks about this exact thing. Most affairs fail. Most do not lead to marriages, much less happy ones. But some small percentage of affairs succeed and lead to life-long marriages. Some cheaters seem to escape short-term or mid-term karma, get to sh*t all over people who love them and, apparently, get rewarded for it. What do you do when your ex waltzes off into the sunset, marries her affair partner, and lives a fairy-tale romance with him for the rest of their natural lives? Shirley Glass says we naturally expect justice and recompense. The only real revenge we can have is: a life well-lived.. However trite and pious this sounds: move on and live a great life. In this case, 25yearsmlc is totally right.
3. I don't, however, take as "Zen" a view as 25yearsmlc. Her advice to move on is really helpful: detach, don't base your happiness on what you ex is doing, etc. I disagree, however, on the level of detachment and ability you have to re-write the story of your betrayal (yes, that's still what it is) to the point where you really want your ex to be so happy, that you can actually say "good for her that she found someone who can make her happier than me". I'm sorry, that's a little unhealthy sounding to me. You were hurt. You were sinned against. What your ex did is wrong. Eventually, you won't be defined by this betrayal. You will always bear the wounds, to some extent, but they do heal. And there is resurrection of the spirit and mind. You will soar again!
4. I strongly suggest you go to the Chump Lady website. She's freaking hilarious. She'll make you laugh out loud (something you probably need right now). She's not optimistic about reconciliation, but she's really great at helping people cheated on get their bearings and, believe it or not, admit to themselves that cheaters suck. Plain and simple she thinks affairs are immoral and those that participate in them are "flaming turds". She thinks leaving a cheater is the first step in gaining a new and better life. She even addresses issues about friends and family supporting the cheater: they also suck. GreyMeadow: unless you were some kind of monster, your friends rallying around your ex and her new paramour is sick. Find some real friends. You need people in your corner, loyal to you. I get it.
5. You'll find a great support group here. Though it's super simplistic, I think all of us who have been betrayed and cheated-on, have, in some ways divided up the world into two camps: those that cheat, and those that end up on the Divorce-Busting boards desperately trying to save their marriages. There are great people here. I've meet several in person. Every one I've met is a gem of a human being. Some have saved their marriages; many haven't. But I trust all of them. If people get too specific here about how to connect offline you get kicked off. I can share this with you however: Theoden is, indeed, a King and sometimes, in the strange world of Middle-Earth in that great book where people like to show their faces, he can be found. Perhaps Greymeadow has visited Middle Earth?
6. This may seem like cold comfort: Fall on your knees and give thanks that you DON'T have children with your ex. This would have made it more excruciating and hurt many more people. Plus, you would have had your ex in your life in some way as long as you had kids in common. Also, you would have to contend with you kids being raised by the man who helped break up your marriage. Your chance for a clean break and a fresh start is more likely now.
7. Let's see how you can begin to re-write your story so that your life from now on is interesting, enlivening, meaningful and rich.
