Is it too late?

[123Gwen]

I am really struggling and have been trying to find a place for advice and support. Some forums on the internet are strictly for standers and some seem to consist of only the bitter and angry. Here is my situation:

Married 25 years. 2 daughters ages 16(high school) and 19(university). Thought we had a great marriage full of love, respect and honesty until the last 5 years. Husband has always had a stressful job but the economy and his industry escalated things. Laid off for almost a year 5 years ago then found a job at a start up. It was great for a couple of years until the economy tanked.

Of course around this time we just started coping with stress and kids and money by doing what we thought we should but not putting each other first. We moved my mother close by and then a couple of years later she was diagnosed with cancer. We moved her into our home and she died. Hubby had a near fatal car accident and saw another man die. Commute got worse. Pay cuts and stress. Daughter went to college. It was truly that time in life when you are vulnerable. Hubby took up running. I supported him because I am that kind of person. Now this is the part where I was so naive...

A twice divorced female "friend" at work started to get even closer. She preyed on our family. Coming to the door and letting our daughter answer because they were going running in a group. She reported to him and we would take her out to Christmas lunch with her other co-worker. I look back and I was so completely deluded. For almost 25 years I trusted this man. I loved him and I believed him and I respected him.

At the beginning of the year husband announced his company was dying and he must find a job anywhere in the country. I would stay behind until our youngest graduated. I was sad but supportive. 2 months later the other woman left the state to live with her boyfriend. We even took her to a going away lunch and have a picture. I was relieved that that flirtation woman was gone. 2 months after that husband received 2 job offers (yay!) --- one was cross country and one was 500 miles away. He insisted on the cross country position. I prayed and realized it was time to choose my marriage so I said it was time to talk about all of us moving. That was BD - The I need some time to go on a journey, ILYBINILWY...

I tried to get us to a counselor but we only had time for one meeting. We met with a priest and he swore he was still a practicing Catholic. We went to Mass every wee. He was checked out. It was all lies to placate me and I had no idea. I worried he was depressed, suicidal - I was so scared for him. He said our anniversary was "just another day". He left emotionless with a weird hodge podge of junk. He left most everything behind.

He rarely texts his children and only called me once because he wanted to trade in the car. I tried to initiate some contact but he ignored most efforts. I refused to trade in the car because it made no business sense. He was angry. It was an awful time. The worst of my life but then one night around week 7 I finally received the cell phone logs. Hours and hours and hours of calls and texts. Like a teen. Very creepy and disrespectful. Over 2 hours on on our silver anniversary. Ignoring our children's birthday. I confronted him and he said he has had "hard times and she's his best friend" - That's it.

It was so odd and disturbing these half conversations with one or two talking points. No real complete sentences and odd half truths like a politician. Scary to have to decipher. I hung up sad and confused. Later that night I received a gift. He tried to change his email password and the idiot forgot the family email is the recovery address. That's when I discovered the proof and the plan. He planned to take a job in the neighboring state from OW. It was dated 3 weeks before he left.

I was patient. I contacted an attorney and had separation papers drawn up. I waited 6 weeks and then one day he texts me. He was considering interviewing for a job 1300 miles closer to us. He asked if I told the girls. Told them what? The crazy train had to be stopped. I told him we know about her. He said "what, we're friends" then "sorry" and then finally "I am not going to beg" - when I asked beg for what he wouldn't answer. No empathy just indignation. I kept the conversation short and said he could not have a relationship with both of us. I sent him a neutral email full of empathy but simply stating love and redemption come in many forms. I told him I would not forsake our marriage. I left things open ended. I waited 10 days and absolutely no reply. I had the separation papers sent on day 11.

He is supposed to respond in 3 days to my attorney. I see he has tried to talk with an attorney or two but not sure if he hired anyone. He continues to talk with her every morning and every night. She is the only person he talks too other than an elderly aunt. It is sad, tragic and strange. My girls have not heard his voice almost 4 months. He doesn't contact any of us since discovery.

I want a legal separation so I can GAL. I need to move on but am I giving up? I don't want a divorce for religious and insurance reasons. He can make that move if he wants it. Distance and time are making me think he just wants out. I deserve honesty and peace. Our children deserve at least one parent who is brave and mature.

Is it too late for anything except self preservation??

[Shakspr]

It is never too late. I am about to be divorced in one week and I haven't given up.

Keep posting in small bursts. You will get someone's attention. Several women had husbands with a MLC that he eventually came out of.

Have your read Divorce Remedy or Divorce Busting yet? Without those, you won't understand the detailed lingo of this board.

Good luck. I'll check in on you!

[MrBond]

"I want a legal separation so I can GAL."

You don't need that to GAL. Unless by GAL you mean date other people. That would do you any good.

"I need to move on but am I giving up?"

Again, by "moving on", do you mean date? If you do, then you are giving up.

"I don't want a divorce for religious and insurance reasons."

Not good enough reasons. It comes down to you. Do you still believe in YOUR M with him? If you do, there will be a long road ahead and many things you need to do. But if you don't have the patience, then finalize the papers and get someone else. The problem is that because you haven't resolved your issues from this H, they will be carried on to your next relationship.

Right now, your post was filled with how you felt you were "deceived" and that your M was a "sham", etc. because he found someone else to love. That's not the case. Both of you M and stayed together because of love. Period. Over time, that love deteriorated. It's easy to get that back and it can start with you. However, it is not the easiest of roads to travel.

So the bottom line is...do you want to save your M to your H.

[Wonka]

Gwen,

I am so sorry to find you here. However, you'll find a bunch of incredibly supportive people to root for you.

From reading your post, I strongly suspect that your H is going through Mid-Life Crisis and you might get more support if you move your thread over to the MLC forum.

It will benefit you greatly if you would take a look around the MLC forum. Take it from me, I am a former MLCer.

[123Gwen]

Thanks everyone. I do love my husband deeply but as with many of you I was blindsided. He has left us, moved to another state and is avoiding every attempt at communication. I am scared because I am utterly alone with our daughters. He talks to OW every morning and every night. I am confused and thinking perhaps it is too late? As for GAL - I thought that meant taking classes, etc.

There is no other man for me. 25 years and every day is choose my husband. Still say a prayer for him every night. Love my husband but I don't know this man.

[123Gwen]

MrBond - I moved over to MLC thread. Of course I feel deceived because after never mistrusting my husband for a day I have just found out he has cheated. I mean I discovered OW less than 3 months ago and it was after he left our home.

I am mentioning GAL not to date but because it is Michelle's advice. As for the separation...I have been a SAHM for 20 years and so I must have some financial protection. There is the emotional aspect to our marriage and the business aspect of a long term marriage.

For the business of life I require health insurance and child support and alimony to pay for the house he left behind.

As for the emotional side to life - I am Catholic and believe that marriage is a sacrament. Divorce is not an option for me and considering my H was attending Mass up until 5 days before he left I assumed we would try everything before divorce. We also chose to raise our children in the faith so pardon me if my heart and my spirit are catching up to having to deal with unpleasant realities.

Dating is not GALing correct?